Fear Bites

So… here I am, faced with my ultimate dilema. I’m starting to feel human again. I can make decent tme on my walk. I can feel like getting out and pushing again. I am looking forward (deranged individual that I am) to the half marathon in February.

So, here I am… I love to be out in the way darky dark morning when it is cooler, quiet, and still. When I feel absolutely at peace with my ‘run’ and most alive.

And when the mosquitos are out.

Last night on the news, and yesterday at my Rheumy’s office, reality was driven home on what it is to be me, now.

A woman died in the county where I live… in the rural places around our town. We live in a housing area on the edge of the rural-ness. She died of west nile. She WAS elderly. I am immunocompromised. I’m 40 something. I am too freaking old to be scared of mosquitos. I’m scared to go running during my favorite time to run, not because I’m scared of getting raped or beaten or even hit by a car. I’m scared of getting bitten by a freaking mosquito. And it only takes one.

I’m a woose.

I’m going to have to start doing more lunch walks… more water… Waiting and hoping for colder weather or for our area to do what Dallas is doing and spray every night for mosquitos…

On the plus side, now that I’m post hysterectomy… I can also not take estrogen replacement because (while that does combat bone density loss and eliviation of sypmptomes) it can help with allowing cancer in… which RA already allows for a better chance of. MTX and Humera help keep that down a little too… but not enough to feel safe with estrogen replacement.

EXPLITIVE!!!

But… I am still looking like I’m in nearly complete remission (just a residual knuckle and couple of toes… the knuckle bumps don’t count)… so… it is all a trade off.

I can wet my Buff before I head out. I can take water with me. I can take a sink bath in the big bathrooms. I can find adventursome places to explore (google maps, here I come) to vary my lunch time outings… I can lose myself in my music and find interesting new pictures to take.

Maybe not ENTIRELY Mary Sunshine… but I’m trying.