When Does Late Night Become Entirely Too Early Morning

Yesterday, I could blame it on the dog.  This morning… it’s my thoughts racing and chasing and my inability to stop them.

And the achies that have settled into my hands.

It is with great regret that I think of the pain relief gel that is locked in my suitcase locked in the trunk of the car.  I tried soaking my hands in hot water.  It helps for a bit.  Not long enough.  The Tiger Balm helps too.  Not enough.  My hands are fighting back from this week’s infusion.  It worries me.  The ICU nurse that is the one at my Rheumy (my old rheumy… ) who does the infusions had more trouble in the early December infusion threading a vein.  My veins roll.  And I bleed very easily.  The last infusion was way worse.  Twice in my left hand (I left my DNA on her scrubs, on the floor, on several dozen paper towels in the trash) and once in my right hand before she got the one in my elbow to take in my right arm.  The OUCH started right away…The bruises took about a day to start to show up… the dull everywhere in my hands ache and the tingly not quite asleep feeling took about 12 hours longer.

So sleep last night was elusive.

The reality of the next two weeks crashed down around me.  Last night was the last night I will ever spend in this house.  Home for 9 years.  I’m not sure when it went from being our house, to home… but somehow it happened.  It doesn’t feel a lot like home right now.  It’s naked and staged for sale.  It feels empty and lonely and cold.  But the memories are trapped in every nook and cranny.  The last place we have called home as a whole family under one roof.

I know the adventure that is coming is going to be incredible.  It’s going to be amazing and I know all of this is really going to be a good thing.

But every change has its good and its bad.  I pray that everything that comes from this stays good.  I have faith that it will.  I know that at some point I have to let go and trust.  This is the time in my life where I have to remember that I did a good job raising my babies and that they are both grown.  They will always, both, find their way home to wherever home is.

I’m not sure why, at 48, growing up is harder now than it was when I was 18 or 30… but it suddenly is.  I think, maybe, now… because I am very cognizant of the fact that yesterday is memories and there is absolutely no promise of tomorrow… all we really have is right now… today… this minute… and change is never really completely easy.

Tie a knot and hang on, it’s going to be an interesting adventure.