I’ve been, honestly, fighting with this post for days. I’m not sure how it makes me feel most of the time. It is just there, kind of, hiding in the background. Being my shadow… or maybe I’m its shadow… I’m not really sure…
The last couple days it has been making me feel scared. Scared enough to go shopping for a different rheumatologist, scared enough to get angry with the people who I have had to deal with on the phone, scared enough to be vocal.
Not that being vocal is anything new for me… or anything different. I’m just not usually this vocal about things when it comes to me. I usually just allow the doctors to be the doctors. They have gone to school for a lot of years to be who they are and where they are. This time I just want them to listen to me… and I really don’t think that is too much to ask.
How does it make me feel?
It’s been five years. It makes me feel like me. Some days I hurt. Some days I don’t really hurt so much. Today… Today, it makes me feel like it is Thursday and the weekend is only two days away.
When you find out that you have (or someone you love deeply has) a chronic condition, whatever that chronic condition is, it is kind of like suddenly finding yourself lost in a lonely little rowboat in the middle of a dense fog bank.
You may not be alone. You may have the best support system around you that you could ever dream of having, but finding out your new reality hits you so hard that you suddenly find yourself lost.
The sun may burn off the fog in hours, days, or months. The wind may fill your sails and push you out of the fog. It may roll back in later, but it will likely not be as thick or as frightening the next time you find yourself feeling lost.
If you are the one in the fog, reach out to the light houses along your way, find your candle on the water to help you find your way. If you have been in the fog… you can be someone’s lighthouse, even if it is only virtually (on line… on facebook or other social networking site, or in another medium). If you love someone who finds themselves being lost… understand that the fog can roll in suddenly and overwhelm their little boat… throw them a rope so they can feel safe. Knowing the rope is there, knowing the light house is there, knowing that there is anyone who gets it (understands, has been there, gives a dam) is sometimes the most important thing in the world.