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I want to see how this works…

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I saw this on Facebook. I want to take it a step further. The original post had 500+ responses…. I just wonder

I am just freaking tired

It is infusion day, so I am tired in general. But the tired that I am is way different than that kind of tired.

I’m tired of having to be the bigger person when I walk into Walmart wearing my mask (because even though I am FULLY vaccinated (as in I got my third dose already so yeah) and I get derogatory comments directed at me. I either get comments about it all being a hoax… or not nearly as bad as the flu… or get your damn shot… or that I am just plain stupid for wearing one… or if I’m fully vaccinated I don’t have to worry about anything so don’t pander to the man… whatever

I’m tired of seeing posts about “them” putting chips in vaccines so they can track you and knowing that at least half of those posts are made by people using their shiny smart phone that has legally been tracking people since the 9-11 attacks. OOOOO yeah… tell people how YOU aren’t going to be tracked and stick that tracker that automagically sends you “there is a sale at that tire store you just passed” adds… and coupons based on your past shopping…. that can hear you and pander adds to you… because yeah… the vaccine is what they will use to know things.

I’m tired of the rhetoric and the arguments

I’m tired of people being judgemental butts

I’m tired of “yeah yeah yeah, I know you have problems but what about MY more important problems”

I’m tired.

No, the vaccine isn’t the magic bullet. Yes if you get the vaccine you can still get covid but not as bad (I’ll get to that in a couple minutes). Yes, you have every right to your views and opinions but you know what, I have every right to mine and if I don’t happen to point out that you are stupid or being a sheep to a different flock (if I’m going what a whole bunch of people are doing I’m a sheep…. GUESS WHAT… if you are doing what a whole bunch of different people are doing you are just a sheep to a different flock but you are still a sheep… you can find a way to be your own lone wolf to eat the sheep I guess but if you are like a metric crap ton of other people you’re not the wolf).

Yes you can pick and choose your pieces and parts of your version of your religion to justify whatever you can do. Even Shakespeare knew that much a bazillion years ago…

“The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose.
An evil soul producing holy witness
Is like a villain with a smiling cheek,
A goodly apple rotten at the heart.
O, what a goodly outside falsehood hath!”
― William Shakespeare, The Merchant of Venice

But you know what… I just spent the weekend worried (surrounded by pieces and parts of my family at any given point in time) about my little sister.

My little sister was fully vaccinated (MONTHS ago because she has parents that she didn’t want to put at any more risk than had to be… and she has a daughter that has diabetes so is at added risk and didn’t want to be the cause of bad things happening even inadvertently).

My sister caught covid a few weeks ago. She was self swab tested and it came back negative but there can be false negatives. They treated her for covid and she was REALLY sick for several days and improved. End of last week her doctor cleared her to start back to work on a limited schedule.

Friday she was out an about doing the things that she generally does… towards afternoon she realized she wasn’t feeling right (her dr told her to be aware if not feeling right happened and get to the ER). She is a trained nurse so she knows what to watch for. She went to the local ER. They knew something was up but didn’t know what. They were going to admit her for observation. Then they realized something serious might be up and they decided they didn’t want to look bad if things went south so instead of putting her in THEIR ICU… they life flighted her to a semi local hospital. By the time they landed she was in the middle of a massive heart attack (two of the four blood vessels were blocked by clots). She died three times and had to be revived with the defibrillator… THREE TIMES. This, she/we were told was classic post COVID complication. No plaque in veins just huge clot that has now exploded and is hundreds of little clots… on blood thinners… having ecgs… moved (moving?) to a “regular” room on the heart unit. Will need a pace maker when she gets strong enough but in the mean time will be wearing a life vest for at least six months (those are the personal aed devices that monitor your heart rhythm and will shock you back to normal… alive… if you pass out).

They are keeping her a few more days to monitor her.

Her doctor told her that it was a blessing that she had been fully vaccinated because if she hadn’t been… she would not be alive right now. Her covid WITH the vaccine was sever enough that if she hadn’t been vaccinated she would have ended up intubated and would most likely not have made it.

I’ve heard my mom cry hysterically over the phone… not able to catch her breath… when she called and told me that sis was on her way to the hospital in life flight. I sat around the table talking to very sober family who rallied around each other waiting to get information from little sister via phone/messenger/facetime. I’ve heard the fear and the pain.

And this morning it’s back to being Monday. I’ve driven 500 miles in two days (two trips there and two trips back… because work…. and dogs). I’m sitting here listening to the morning snorage that is all around my feet because they are dogs and they sleep A LOT but they also know and want me to be okay.

And I’m realizing how tired I am. I watched as some people pretended to support the family while wedging in their own agenda to the conversation. I’ve watched while people looked at me with hard side eye for wearing my mask in Sheetz to grab pop and coffee. I’m tired of arguments and rhetoric and bullshit and my tolerance for bullshit is so epically low that I currently refuse to deal with it. I’m unfollowing people (because lord knows I can’t block people).

Tomorrow should have been my anniversary.

In 19 days it will be the anniversary of bear dying.

Covid has been a thing and my doctor told me that covid will forever be a thing and the best thing I can do is avoid people at all costs and learn all of the right ways to protect myself and my family. Even with fully vaccinated for flu or covid or pneumonia I will only ever be 65% protected because of my amazingly expensive drugs that allow me to maintain a fairly normal life.

If you see me with my mask on, don’t get all sanctimonious on me. I don’t care what your opinion is. You have yours and I have mine and if you don’t want me to get bitchy in your face just leave me the hell alone. If you don’t like it, I DON’T CARE. And the next person who tells me that they were bullied into wearing masks for a year so now it’s my turn to be bullied because I am still wearing one… don’t be surprised if I tell you to go sleep with the sheep in your own damn herd.

I’m tired.

I’m tired and there is no end of bullshit in sight.

Love and Light
ajw

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I’m Mortified… Books Review

I am mortified that I judged a set of books by their title. I’m a bad bad person. When I was raising my kids, it was way WAY a thing with me that there are no girl toys, there are … Continue reading

Walk a Month in My Shoes

May be an image of tree and nature

Fair Warning…. I’m getting too old and tired to have much of a filter. Consider yourself warned.

Tuesday was amazing. I want on a sunrise walk…. saw a rainbow… had a peaceful much needed morning…. ended the day with a tattoo.

May be an image of one or more people, tattoo and tree

Tuesday was a good day. Between Saturday’s Crone’s Circle and Tuesday, I realize that I am really glad I’m not made out of Ticky Tacky (PLEASE, listen to malvina reynolds – little boxes…. then listen to it again… and again…. really listen… youtube repeater is magic).

Then there was Wednesday.

Low and Behold I’m still not good enough for my neighborhood (I’m SERIOUSLY considering not putting up a single freaking Haloween decoration.. no trick or treat…. no Christmas decorations…. I’m good enough when it suits them but not when it doesn’t….. ). The city inspector came around (I’ve been reported again…. I put away the crap that they didn’t like and they are still not happy. F#$K them! I have to take the time and spoons I really don’t have to make someone who doesn’t have the cahonies to actually come talk to me…. to face me…. to freaking ask if there is anything they can do to help. Once upon a time neighbors didn’t just get a stick up their ass and hide behind the city.

I want with all of my heart to have whoever it is to have to actually live my world for JUST ONE MONTH. I want them to have to consider, when they open their eyes, exactly how they feel…. Can I tie my shoes this morning or is it a crocks kind of day? Can I hold a regular coffee cup or do I need a plastic one so if I drop it with my not working so good fingers it won’t break? Will I need to take industrial strength Napproxen so I can sit at my computer and do my job today? Do I need my cane to get to the bathroom because my knee is way way bitchy or my hip isn’t working right? Can I put a t-shirt on or is my shoulder hurting enough that I need a button down so I don’t have to raise my arms over my head?

Is my child currently in the hospital and I need to be BOTHERED to pencil in a visit so they know I still care? TWICE in the last month….. but F#$K that…. make your ticky tacky house look good enough so I don’t have to deal with anything.

Four dogs with Kennel Cough. That doesn’t worry me a bit.

Am I dealing with PTSD and stress and does the PTSD and stress make the RA scream worse? Am I having a tremendously horrible time dealing with Bear being gone and now my child moved out so where there were four a year ago now there are two?

F#$K that…. TICKY TACKY TICKY TACKY

Is it getting near infusion time? Can do at this point do little more than function and fall into bed exhausted? SUCKS TO BE YOU…. TICKY TACKY!!!!!

Is the silence and the loneliness nearly incapacitating some day? oh well.

Other people can have shelves on their porch (you know to keep it semi organized). Not me.

Can’t have my swing now that I could have when the other inspector came around. Oopsy

Can have my hammock but it can’t have a blanket in it. WTF is that about?

Can’t have a couple boxes of books for the Little Free Library on my porch.

Can have furniture on the porch but not dog toys (What is it with my little bin that is 18 inches high and hidden behind the bushes that holds the pug toys that offends the neighbors?).

After putting in 10 12 14 hours at work…. I don’t HAVE the spoons to do much of anything some days. Tough shit.

My window of good days is kind of limited. It surrounds my infusions and how well I can keep the stress down. Yeah this is SO helping.

I don’t know what I’m allowed to have on my porch. I don’t know why it is anybody’s business if I have a shelf. How do their nosy asses know I have a shelf? WHY do they care if I have a shelf?

Lowes last night (add insult to injury) I got berated for wearing a mask…. don’t I know the mandate is over? Stupid bitch sheeple don’t know how to exercise your rights. I guess I only have the right to not wear one… not the right TO wear one… people lived with the government bullying them into wearing masks that didn’t do ANYTHING to stop anything so why not bully people like me for exercising MY choice. Doesn’t matter that my doctor said that the BEST I can hope for is 65% effectiveness if I’m lucky because of RA even though I’m fully vaccinated but I pay 10K a month for the meds to be able to function that limit the efficacy…. nope I’m a stupid bitch sheeple…

I keep thinking…. the energy a person puts out into the world (positive or negative) will be returned to that person three times. What did I do wrong? WHAT DID I DO WRONG????

I would not wish this on anyone for a long period of time… but I really wish whoever got a stick up their ass with my house would have to live my life for ONE month… infusion to infusion… and deal with all of this shit so they would know. ALONE….. have a live human to talk to for about one hour…. maybe two hours… a day. Have to shovel through all of the shit that got put off for the year that they were dealing with Covid and Hospice and Grief and stress and PTSD. Then they can go back to their ticky tacky lives and leave me the hell alone.

Below are the lyrics to Little Boxes and here is a link to a really neat article on the song.

https://news.berkeley.edu/2020/08/28/berkeley-talks-music-podcast-malvina-reynolds/

Lyrics to Little Boxes

[Verse 1]
Little boxes on the hillside
Little boxes made of ticky-tacky
Little boxes on the hillside
Little boxes all the same
There’s a pink one and a green one
And a blue one and a yellow one
And they’re all made out of ticky-tacky
And they all look just the same

[Verse 2]
And the people in the houses
All went to the university
Where they were put in boxes
And they came out all the same
And there’s doctors and lawyers
And business executives
And they’re all made out of ticky-tacky
And they all look just the same

[Verse 3]
And they all play on the golf course
And drink their martinis dry
And they all have pretty children
And the children go to school
And the children go to summer camp
And then to the university
Where they are put in boxes
And they come out all the same

[Verse 4]
And the boys go into business
And marry and raise a family
In boxes made of ticky-tacky
And they all look just the same
There’s a pink one and a green one
And a blue one and a yellow one
And they’re all made out of ticky-tacky
And they all look just the same

Sorry for the rant but… all I can manage this morning is to cry and I don’t know how to cope right now… and the meds that would help not cry all day would mean I can’t do my job and I can’t do what I have to to keep from going to court over the shelves on my porch.

Love and Light
AprilJoy

And… Just Like That… Normal…

Sitting on the porch in my hoodie listening to the birds come awake with their songs trying to keep my head from completely exploding.

It’s not working.

Saturday I got a letter from The Hartford (the company that we pay to process the ADA paperwork for not going back to the office when only 41% of the people in my county are fully vaccinated) saying that my work from home was permanent. So I asked HR what exactly permanent meant… permanent for 30 60 90 days or what the paperwork actually says permanent permanent. They told me that, despite my ruling that work from home is permanent, The Hartford is wrong and they are re-examining what my doctor’s paperwork REALLY meant and I guess at some point I will be made aware of which day exactly my ADA is done and I have to join the throngs of people streaming back into work.

Few hours later the edict came out that it’s going to be business as usual and they are taking away the elevator restrictions, the cafeteria restrictions, the meeting room restrictions June 2 but are keeping for a couple more weeks the restriction on EVERYONE flooding back in to work. Masks are no longer required (effective immediately for fully vaccinated and everyone if they decide they don’t want to wear one) but if you choose to wear one no one is allowed to make fun of you… yeah, that’s going to work… July 12 everyone will be welcomed back to the offices. It would be nice if everyone were to be vaccinated but that is only kind of a suggestion and not a requirement… but you can pack a dozen people into the elevator knowing that at least 7, statistically, are currently not fully vaccinated. I will need to figure out what stairwell will be open to take the stairs… and I will likely start losing weight again because I work on the 17th floor.

They are working on a flexible working policy. Sometime next week we will probably be made aware of what that is going to mean. I know that I will have to go back to working at work at some level. And I miss my boats. But knowing that I will have to go back to “normal” at some point… whatever my normal will look like… is one thing. Knowing that people who have been vaccinated fully (nurses at the facility where a friend of mine works) have been getting COVID anyway is scary. Knowing that, at best, people like me (on immunosupressants) are likely 65% covered according to my Rheumy is scary. Knowing that Rheumy said that COVID will be around forever like the flu and that there will be flu shots and COVID shots and pneumonia shots like there are flu and pneumonia shots now and that they are already working on the fall booster for the shots we already have taken kind of helps my head a little but only a little because I know an awful lot of people don’t get their flu shots now and if COVID keeps having so many variants what is that going to mean for forever. Knowing that I will join many of my friends and some of my family in always having a mask with me and wearing it when I’m in close proximity to other people… indoors a lot because of HVAC and people and that there will be people who make fun of me for it is kind of sobering.

It’s been nice only having to deal with seasonal allergies for the past 16 months. No cold… no flu…

So I sit here and enjoy the morning as long as I can… knowing that I will need to address reality as soon as reality hits. I have a race in 12 days… and in person race… and with the new CDC suggestions I don’t know what that is going to look like now. It was supposed to be staggered start times. It was supposed to be okay-ish. But what now?

Fully vaccinated people can go back to life as normal… not washing hands so much… no 6 feet of separation… no masks… but no one will ever have to prove that they have had even one vaccine let alone both of them. How many people will continue to get the vaccine if suddenly everything is back to normal anyway? There are an awful lot of people who have already said they won’t be getting the vaccine but are waiting for herd immunity. There are an awful lot of people who don’t wear masks correctly now and will suddenly not have to wear them at all.

I know that the best I can do is the best I can personally do for myself and my household… but… fear is kind of sobering… and I don’t get any more panic attack pills because Bear died 214 days ago so I don’t need them any more.

And sitting here… birds singing… woodpeckers finding their breakfast… sun coming slowly up… these are the things going through my mind. Not just now what… but… NOW What…

Breathe in
Breathe out
One day at a time
and buy a metric ass ton of hand sanitizer…

Love and Light
AprilJoy
5/18/2020

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[4.5.2021.1]

missing love aloneyou are everywhere nowherecardinal song haunts AprilJoy4/5/2021NaPoWriMo

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Grief, Stress, and fighting your way out of darkness

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