I’ve been told that I’m the happiest person that people know. I’m always chipper. I’m always in a good mood. I keep thinking about that comment. I keep thinking about the way I hear other people talking. I keep thinking about the way that people sometime find it so much easier to dwell on what “I wish was” or “what used to be” or even “man, what could have been”.
You know, I wish a lot of things. I wish I wasn’t tired all the time. I wish I knew when I was 20 what I know now… maybe I would have done things differently… but then… I would be who I am or where I am now… so maybe not.
I try very hard, even when I totally hurt and totally don’t feel like being mary sunshine, not to dwell on how I’m feeling but on how I want to feel. I try to not be the whining person who does nothing as much as enjoy complaining. Don’t get me wrong. They aren’t lying about how horrible it is. There are so many days when the pain and the limitations suck rocks. But I can’t figure out what good it does to complain and bring everyone else down too.
Some days it means finding the ONE thing that doesn’t suck rocks. Like the little brass bell that I carry on my key chain because it makes me think of fairy bells and Clarence the Angel in A Wonderful Life and where the world might be if it weren’t for me (okay… When I think that I feel like I’m getting a big head, but I don’t know what wonderful things my kids might do… ) or the sunrise that looks stunning almost every morning… or the one morning every quarter that rains… or…whatever… but if I look for it, I can find it. Some days it means listening to the kind of music that distracts my mind…. whatever it is… I try to focus not on me and on what hurts but on the other things.
I’ve started to realize, though, that my working at being terminally chipper brings a smile to several people that I deal with every day and that means a lot to me. If I can bring even a little smile to my facebook friends with my posts or to the people I meet as I’m walking down the street… the people that I meet each day… then my attitude is working and I am fulfilling my current purpose.