So, I find myself sitting, early this Friday morning listening to Change of Heart “at work” in my office at home at 5:30 am getting more done by 9 am (blah blah blah). There is the sound of claws on laminate flooring as the dog chases, catches, and chews on the cat (I’m glad they love each other). The window is open, a hawk cries just out of sight. An owl alerts the world that it is morning.
I keep thinking about changes. It’s been a third of a year now full of changes.
Not all of the changes have been easy. I miss my little boy desperately. Skype helps a lot and I bought a year’s paid subscription so I can call anywhere, even land lines, without having to worry about it. Voxer helps too. I still miss him. I know he has his wings and that this is as it should be. But still…
It was very hard leaving “home” to go on vacation (and to do the half) in Florida and getting on one plane while my family got on another plane and I never went back to Texas to say good-bye. Watching them leave (their plane was an hour before mine, and I wasn’t allowed to check in until they were nearly ready to take off) through the airport while I sat waiting to check in will remain a very fresh and raw memory for me.
Not all of the changes were hard.
I love my new house. It feels like a home in a way that the old house never quite did. Maybe because here I have a room of my own that is all my own that I love. Outside my window is a bird feeder that birds actually come to. I have the window open this morning listening to the bird song from wherever they are. There is a chilly breeze coming in and it’s wonderful.
I have a garden and flower beds that won’t require hundreds of dollars of water to keep looking like flower beds, and I’m making them my own. I’ve adopted plants from the farm where I grew up. I’ve adopted plants from the yard of the vacant house next door. I’ve bought plants that I love (yay pussy willow bush), herbs and plants that hearken back to my childhood and my great grandmother’s house. I still want a rose bush and a lilac bush.
My job is sometimes hectic and sometimes, frustrating sometimes, incredibly educational sometimes, but always something I enjoy doing and something I look forward to doing almost every day.
Oh come on, NO one loves their job every day. Some days you just feel like shit and don’t want to deal with breathing or going to the bathroom let alone facing people or stress. I’m glad that the days that I want to hide under the front porch are way fewer than the days when I actually enjoy going to work.
And looking at where I am now, I have to think that the best change is that my boss believes that I am capable now. I thought I was going to work where I was forever because it was decent insurance and it was good pay. It didn’t really matter that I was ridiculed all the time or that my boss outright told me that he didn’t think that I was capable of being a productive member of HIS team… or that I was deliberately set up to not possibly be able to reach the goals set. Now I’m part of THE team and I am a productive member of the team. And I realize that I can. And knowing that I can, again, is one of the biggest changes.
I don’t always feel marvelous. I am getting back to caring how I feel. And I am starting to find peace in what I am and what I’m doing. And the absolute best part is, the change in the weather seems to be agreeing with my RA.