I’m human. I hurt, I am exhausted, I am incredibly cranky, I am depressed. While I would love to be able to hold myself to a higher standard than humanity, there is nothing higher than humanity. I need to suck it up princess and realize that. Nothing says human more than sitting in the dark wrapped in a special blanket crying your heart out because you are suddenly terrified. Nothing says human more than slowing down so your daughter can cross a finish line and not be Dead F#$(*&% Last in a race. Nothing says it more than breaking down when you are all alone and you are relying on the cheering of complete strangers to motivate you to go just one mile further… or the tears you shed in relief when you see your son’s long strides walking out to meet you to make sure that you are okay… or the utter elated exhaustion when you cross the finsih line and you realize that no matter how badly it hurts you did it. The past five (give or take) years have taught me that I’m human. I need to be gentle with myself. I need to set my expectations of myself correctly and I need to learn that there is only so much one human being can do.
I’m mortal. Go figure. I’ve found myself terrified of dying… more than once… of being put on disability… of being a burden on my family and on society. If it can happen to me, it can happen to anyone. I know RA has impacted my life expectancy. I have read the statistics.
I can do it. Whatever the it is… I can. I may not get it done as quickly as someone else might like. I know that I’ve let people down and I know that it has been unavoidable. I know that I have made most of my family proud and that matters way more than the scathing looks when I let people down. I have made a difference. I may not have made a HUGE difference… but I have made a difference and that matters.
More than absolutely anything else, though, I’ve learned how to be exactly the person that was missing in my life. I leanred how to be that for me and for other people. I’ve learned exactly how important THAT is and whether or not it matters to anyone else, being that person matters an awful lot to me.