With all of my heart, for about 6 hours, I wished whoever it was that kicked me this time could walk a day in my shoes. JUST ONE F#$%*NG DAY… one.
And then I realized that I would not have wished this past couple years on anyone.
Earlier this week I have a very unpleasant visit from the city. Apparently one of my neighbors has taken exception to pretty much my existence and has reported me for being a worthless piece of whatever… you fill in the rest… The very unpleasant visit came on a day when my hands hurt about an 18… my fingers weren’t working… my shoulder hurt… and I have been putting in 12 hour days to get things done at work so I don’t have to think about worrying about losing my job. Not likely… but I’m pretty sure that would be what causes me to walk out into traffic.
I haven’t been able to take my meds… the ones that keep me functional… because they will counteract what the vaccine is supposed to do. The best I can possibly hope for is 65% coverage for me because of the RA and the meds. 65 isn’t as good as 95 but beats the hell out of 0.
My doctor told me to not get the vaccine yet. You know… no one has bothered testing it on people like me. Probably because it would be better if people like me would just decrease the surplus population…. Thank you Ebenezer… But when the kids’ godfather got put in the hospital over Easter and was very nearly put on a respirator I got really really scared… so when Monkey Butt went to get his vaccine I went along. So… no meds to dumb down my immune system… so flare after flare.
But hey… whatever
It’s been colder than normal. It’s been wet. I feel like crap (and I don’t mean warm and mushy). But I’m still (at least for now) able to work from home and avoid being around people as much as I can. I want to be safe. I promised to do my best not to die.
Bear got IPF
Bear got either the flu or (what we believe) COVID back March 2020… you know… back when you couldn’t get tested for FLU let alone for COVID and when they would kind of sort of treat you maybe but you couldn’t ACTUALLY see a doctor ANYWHERE…
Bear went down hill pretty fast
Bear got put on hospice
I started working from home
Bear got worse
Bear’s brother in law died
Bear’s brother died
The ceiling fell in in the kitchen because the 10,000 Kohler tub has a design feature than allows water to run down the shower hose through the tub, through the floor and pool in the ceiling below. DO NOT BUY KOHLER if you want a walk in tub. The tub is great but apparently I’m too stupid (yes, I have it on video me being told I’m too stupid) to know that every couple days you have to go around to all of your water things (showers, faucets, whatever) and tighten them because expecting a 10,000 dollar tub to NOT need that the first few days is ridiculous. No, they have not yet gotten back to me on helping fix the damage. I guess because I’m too stupid.
Godfather got sick and put in ICU (Easter… and he’s still in the hospital)
I found my bulldog dead in the back yard
I hurt… I hurt a lot… because you know… RA and no meds and stress
So… when the very special man knocked at my door and told me in no uncertain terms that I need to quit sucking as a human being and get my shit together… I didn’t take it well.
I was told I can keep my little free library (I guess that reflects well on the city and whichever neighbor thinks I should be ridden out of town on the rails) but I have to get rid of my memorial to Bear. It’s a bench and a couple statues and a couple garden stones. I can keep my swing, but not my hammock and I need to have ONE count the ONE chair on my front porch and I need to get rid of my bin of dog toys in that is hidden behind my rosebush. I need to take down my 3 x 6 fence that keeps my mutant pug from getting eated by hawks down. I need to make other people happy. I have been warned. I have been reported. JUST FREAKING GET WITH THE STEPFORD PROGRAM WILL YOU!!!
I cried. I got angry. I cried. I cried. I tried to figure out how to hide my memorial to Bear… I took my last xanex and curled up into a fetal position and considered what it would take to make people just stop being mean. Yeah, that’s not going to happen.
I just got done cutting my grass. It’s 40 degrees. It’s raining. I waded puddles to my ankles. My hands screamed and I cried. But it is supposed to rain today and tomorrow and I can’t afford to get fined for not cutting my grass.
For a while, with ALL of my heart, I wished that the person who decided that I am simply trailer trash would be forced to live their life without their life’s partner. That they would have to spend weeks in pain. That their world would crash down around their shoulders and that they would find NOTHING in the world bu more bullshit falling down around them. I did.
But while I was cutting my grass
in the rain (sometimes spitting snowflakes)
I realized that I really didn’t wish that on anyone.
I can’t wish that on anyone.
Whatever energy you put out into the word comes back to you (some day maybe even though right now I have my doubts) three fold and I really don’t want Karma coming back because I’m hurting.
I wish whoever it was had bothered to come to me to talk.
I wish whoever it was had BOTHERED to ask if there is anything they can do to help or if everything is alright or SOMETHING other than calling the next bus to run me over a few times. I wish…. if wishes were pennies beggars would ride…
I’m just so f@#$ing tired right now. I would give anything for just a few weeks to go by without SOMETHING crashing down around me.
One chair. I can have one chair on my porch.
three people live here
do we take turns…. or sit on each others’ laps?
Happy Mother’s day…