Tag Archives: coping

Fair Warning…. I’m getting too old and tired to have much of a filter. Consider yourself warned.

Tuesday was amazing. I want on a sunrise walk…. saw a rainbow… had a peaceful much needed morning…. ended the day with a tattoo.

Tuesday was a good day. Between Saturday’s Crone’s Circle and Tuesday, I realize that I am really glad I’m not made out of Ticky Tacky (PLEASE, listen to malvina reynolds – little boxes…. then listen to it again… and again…. really listen… youtube repeater is magic).

Then there was Wednesday.

Low and Behold I’m still not good enough for my neighborhood (I’m SERIOUSLY considering not putting up a single freaking Haloween decoration.. no trick or treat…. no Christmas decorations…. I’m good enough when it suits them but not when it doesn’t….. ). The city inspector came around (I’ve been reported again…. I put away the crap that they didn’t like and they are still not happy. F#$K them! I have to take the time and spoons I really don’t have to make someone who doesn’t have the cahonies to actually come talk to me…. to face me…. to freaking ask if there is anything they can do to help. Once upon a time neighbors didn’t just get a stick up their ass and hide behind the city.

I want with all of my heart to have whoever it is to have to actually live my world for JUST ONE MONTH. I want them to have to consider, when they open their eyes, exactly how they feel…. Can I tie my shoes this morning or is it a crocks kind of day? Can I hold a regular coffee cup or do I need a plastic one so if I drop it with my not working so good fingers it won’t break? Will I need to take industrial strength Napproxen so I can sit at my computer and do my job today? Do I need my cane to get to the bathroom because my knee is way way bitchy or my hip isn’t working right? Can I put a t-shirt on or is my shoulder hurting enough that I need a button down so I don’t have to raise my arms over my head?

Is my child currently in the hospital and I need to be BOTHERED to pencil in a visit so they know I still care? TWICE in the last month….. but F#$K that…. make your ticky tacky house look good enough so I don’t have to deal with anything.

Four dogs with Kennel Cough. That doesn’t worry me a bit.

Am I dealing with PTSD and stress and does the PTSD and stress make the RA scream worse? Am I having a tremendously horrible time dealing with Bear being gone and now my child moved out so where there were four a year ago now there are two?

F#$K that…. TICKY TACKY TICKY TACKY

Is it getting near infusion time? Can do at this point do little more than function and fall into bed exhausted? SUCKS TO BE YOU…. TICKY TACKY!!!!!

Is the silence and the loneliness nearly incapacitating some day? oh well.

Other people can have shelves on their porch (you know to keep it semi organized). Not me.

Can’t have my swing now that I could have when the other inspector came around. Oopsy

Can have my hammock but it can’t have a blanket in it. WTF is that about?

Can’t have a couple boxes of books for the Little Free Library on my porch.

Can have furniture on the porch but not dog toys (What is it with my little bin that is 18 inches high and hidden behind the bushes that holds the pug toys that offends the neighbors?).

After putting in 10 12 14 hours at work…. I don’t HAVE the spoons to do much of anything some days. Tough shit.

My window of good days is kind of limited. It surrounds my infusions and how well I can keep the stress down. Yeah this is SO helping.

I don’t know what I’m allowed to have on my porch. I don’t know why it is anybody’s business if I have a shelf. How do their nosy asses know I have a shelf? WHY do they care if I have a shelf?

Lowes last night (add insult to injury) I got berated for wearing a mask…. don’t I know the mandate is over? Stupid bitch sheeple don’t know how to exercise your rights. I guess I only have the right to not wear one… not the right TO wear one… people lived with the government bullying them into wearing masks that didn’t do ANYTHING to stop anything so why not bully people like me for exercising MY choice. Doesn’t matter that my doctor said that the BEST I can hope for is 65% effectiveness if I’m lucky because of RA even though I’m fully vaccinated but I pay 10K a month for the meds to be able to function that limit the efficacy…. nope I’m a stupid bitch sheeple…

I keep thinking…. the energy a person puts out into the world (positive or negative) will be returned to that person three times. What did I do wrong? WHAT DID I DO WRONG????

I would not wish this on anyone for a long period of time… but I really wish whoever got a stick up their ass with my house would have to live my life for ONE month… infusion to infusion… and deal with all of this shit so they would know. ALONE….. have a live human to talk to for about one hour…. maybe two hours… a day. Have to shovel through all of the shit that got put off for the year that they were dealing with Covid and Hospice and Grief and stress and PTSD. Then they can go back to their ticky tacky lives and leave me the hell alone.

Below are the lyrics to Little Boxes and here is a link to a really neat article on the song.

https://news.berkeley.edu/2020/08/28/berkeley-talks-music-podcast-malvina-reynolds/

Lyrics to Little Boxes

[Verse 1]
Little boxes on the hillside
Little boxes made of ticky-tacky
Little boxes on the hillside
Little boxes all the same
There’s a pink one and a green one
And a blue one and a yellow one
And they’re all made out of ticky-tacky
And they all look just the same

[Verse 2]
And the people in the houses
All went to the university
Where they were put in boxes
And they came out all the same
And there’s doctors and lawyers
And business executives
And they’re all made out of ticky-tacky
And they all look just the same

[Verse 3]
And they all play on the golf course
And drink their martinis dry
And they all have pretty children
And the children go to school
And the children go to summer camp
And then to the university
Where they are put in boxes
And they come out all the same

[Verse 4]
And the boys go into business
And marry and raise a family
In boxes made of ticky-tacky
And they all look just the same
There’s a pink one and a green one
And a blue one and a yellow one
And they’re all made out of ticky-tacky
And they all look just the same

Sorry for the rant but… all I can manage this morning is to cry and I don’t know how to cope right now… and the meds that would help not cry all day would mean I can’t do my job and I can’t do what I have to to keep from going to court over the shelves on my porch.

Love and Light
AprilJoy