Category Archives: rant

I am just freaking tired

Posted on September 27, 2021 | 4 comments

It is infusion day, so I am tired in general. But the tired that I am is way different than that kind of tired.

I’m tired of having to be the bigger person when I walk into Walmart wearing my mask (because even though I am FULLY vaccinated (as in I got my third dose already so yeah) and I get derogatory comments directed at me. I either get comments about it all being a hoax… or not nearly as bad as the flu… or get your damn shot… or that I am just plain stupid for wearing one… or if I’m fully vaccinated I don’t have to worry about anything so don’t pander to the man… whatever

I’m tired of seeing posts about “them” putting chips in vaccines so they can track you and knowing that at least half of those posts are made by people using their shiny smart phone that has legally been tracking people since the 9-11 attacks. OOOOO yeah… tell people how YOU aren’t going to be tracked and stick that tracker that automagically sends you “there is a sale at that tire store you just passed” adds… and coupons based on your past shopping…. that can hear you and pander adds to you… because yeah… the vaccine is what they will use to know things.

I’m tired of the rhetoric and the arguments

I’m tired of people being judgemental butts

I’m tired of “yeah yeah yeah, I know you have problems but what about MY more important problems”

I’m tired.

No, the vaccine isn’t the magic bullet. Yes if you get the vaccine you can still get covid but not as bad (I’ll get to that in a couple minutes). Yes, you have every right to your views and opinions but you know what, I have every right to mine and if I don’t happen to point out that you are stupid or being a sheep to a different flock (if I’m going what a whole bunch of people are doing I’m a sheep…. GUESS WHAT… if you are doing what a whole bunch of different people are doing you are just a sheep to a different flock but you are still a sheep… you can find a way to be your own lone wolf to eat the sheep I guess but if you are like a metric crap ton of other people you’re not the wolf).

Yes you can pick and choose your pieces and parts of your version of your religion to justify whatever you can do. Even Shakespeare knew that much a bazillion years ago…

“The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose.
An evil soul producing holy witness
Is like a villain with a smiling cheek,
A goodly apple rotten at the heart.
O, what a goodly outside falsehood hath!”
― William Shakespeare, The Merchant of Venice

But you know what… I just spent the weekend worried (surrounded by pieces and parts of my family at any given point in time) about my little sister.

My little sister was fully vaccinated (MONTHS ago because she has parents that she didn’t want to put at any more risk than had to be… and she has a daughter that has diabetes so is at added risk and didn’t want to be the cause of bad things happening even inadvertently).

My sister caught covid a few weeks ago. She was self swab tested and it came back negative but there can be false negatives. They treated her for covid and she was REALLY sick for several days and improved. End of last week her doctor cleared her to start back to work on a limited schedule.

Friday she was out an about doing the things that she generally does… towards afternoon she realized she wasn’t feeling right (her dr told her to be aware if not feeling right happened and get to the ER). She is a trained nurse so she knows what to watch for. She went to the local ER. They knew something was up but didn’t know what. They were going to admit her for observation. Then they realized something serious might be up and they decided they didn’t want to look bad if things went south so instead of putting her in THEIR ICU… they life flighted her to a semi local hospital. By the time they landed she was in the middle of a massive heart attack (two of the four blood vessels were blocked by clots). She died three times and had to be revived with the defibrillator… THREE TIMES. This, she/we were told was classic post COVID complication. No plaque in veins just huge clot that has now exploded and is hundreds of little clots… on blood thinners… having ecgs… moved (moving?) to a “regular” room on the heart unit. Will need a pace maker when she gets strong enough but in the mean time will be wearing a life vest for at least six months (those are the personal aed devices that monitor your heart rhythm and will shock you back to normal… alive… if you pass out).

They are keeping her a few more days to monitor her.

Her doctor told her that it was a blessing that she had been fully vaccinated because if she hadn’t been… she would not be alive right now. Her covid WITH the vaccine was sever enough that if she hadn’t been vaccinated she would have ended up intubated and would most likely not have made it.

I’ve heard my mom cry hysterically over the phone… not able to catch her breath… when she called and told me that sis was on her way to the hospital in life flight. I sat around the table talking to very sober family who rallied around each other waiting to get information from little sister via phone/messenger/facetime. I’ve heard the fear and the pain.

And this morning it’s back to being Monday. I’ve driven 500 miles in two days (two trips there and two trips back… because work…. and dogs). I’m sitting here listening to the morning snorage that is all around my feet because they are dogs and they sleep A LOT but they also know and want me to be okay.

And I’m realizing how tired I am. I watched as some people pretended to support the family while wedging in their own agenda to the conversation. I’ve watched while people looked at me with hard side eye for wearing my mask in Sheetz to grab pop and coffee. I’m tired of arguments and rhetoric and bullshit and my tolerance for bullshit is so epically low that I currently refuse to deal with it. I’m unfollowing people (because lord knows I can’t block people).

Tomorrow should have been my anniversary.

In 19 days it will be the anniversary of bear dying.

Covid has been a thing and my doctor told me that covid will forever be a thing and the best thing I can do is avoid people at all costs and learn all of the right ways to protect myself and my family. Even with fully vaccinated for flu or covid or pneumonia I will only ever be 65% protected because of my amazingly expensive drugs that allow me to maintain a fairly normal life.

If you see me with my mask on, don’t get all sanctimonious on me. I don’t care what your opinion is. You have yours and I have mine and if you don’t want me to get bitchy in your face just leave me the hell alone. If you don’t like it, I DON’T CARE. And the next person who tells me that they were bullied into wearing masks for a year so now it’s my turn to be bullied because I am still wearing one… don’t be surprised if I tell you to go sleep with the sheep in your own damn herd.

I’m tired.

I’m tired and there is no end of bullshit in sight.

Love and Light
ajw

4 Comments

Posted in bitchy, bullying, Covid 19, Family, fear, rant

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Walk a Month in My Shoes

Posted on June 17, 2021 | 1 comment
May be an image of tree and nature

Fair Warning…. I’m getting too old and tired to have much of a filter. Consider yourself warned.

Tuesday was amazing. I want on a sunrise walk…. saw a rainbow… had a peaceful much needed morning…. ended the day with a tattoo.

May be an image of one or more people, tattoo and tree

Tuesday was a good day. Between Saturday’s Crone’s Circle and Tuesday, I realize that I am really glad I’m not made out of Ticky Tacky (PLEASE, listen to malvina reynolds – little boxes…. then listen to it again… and again…. really listen… youtube repeater is magic).

Then there was Wednesday.

Low and Behold I’m still not good enough for my neighborhood (I’m SERIOUSLY considering not putting up a single freaking Haloween decoration.. no trick or treat…. no Christmas decorations…. I’m good enough when it suits them but not when it doesn’t….. ). The city inspector came around (I’ve been reported again…. I put away the crap that they didn’t like and they are still not happy. F#$K them! I have to take the time and spoons I really don’t have to make someone who doesn’t have the cahonies to actually come talk to me…. to face me…. to freaking ask if there is anything they can do to help. Once upon a time neighbors didn’t just get a stick up their ass and hide behind the city.

I want with all of my heart to have whoever it is to have to actually live my world for JUST ONE MONTH. I want them to have to consider, when they open their eyes, exactly how they feel…. Can I tie my shoes this morning or is it a crocks kind of day? Can I hold a regular coffee cup or do I need a plastic one so if I drop it with my not working so good fingers it won’t break? Will I need to take industrial strength Napproxen so I can sit at my computer and do my job today? Do I need my cane to get to the bathroom because my knee is way way bitchy or my hip isn’t working right? Can I put a t-shirt on or is my shoulder hurting enough that I need a button down so I don’t have to raise my arms over my head?

Is my child currently in the hospital and I need to be BOTHERED to pencil in a visit so they know I still care? TWICE in the last month….. but F#$K that…. make your ticky tacky house look good enough so I don’t have to deal with anything.

Four dogs with Kennel Cough. That doesn’t worry me a bit.

Am I dealing with PTSD and stress and does the PTSD and stress make the RA scream worse? Am I having a tremendously horrible time dealing with Bear being gone and now my child moved out so where there were four a year ago now there are two?

F#$K that…. TICKY TACKY TICKY TACKY

Is it getting near infusion time? Can do at this point do little more than function and fall into bed exhausted? SUCKS TO BE YOU…. TICKY TACKY!!!!!

Is the silence and the loneliness nearly incapacitating some day? oh well.

Other people can have shelves on their porch (you know to keep it semi organized). Not me.

Can’t have my swing now that I could have when the other inspector came around. Oopsy

Can have my hammock but it can’t have a blanket in it. WTF is that about?

Can’t have a couple boxes of books for the Little Free Library on my porch.

Can have furniture on the porch but not dog toys (What is it with my little bin that is 18 inches high and hidden behind the bushes that holds the pug toys that offends the neighbors?).

After putting in 10 12 14 hours at work…. I don’t HAVE the spoons to do much of anything some days. Tough shit.

My window of good days is kind of limited. It surrounds my infusions and how well I can keep the stress down. Yeah this is SO helping.

I don’t know what I’m allowed to have on my porch. I don’t know why it is anybody’s business if I have a shelf. How do their nosy asses know I have a shelf? WHY do they care if I have a shelf?

Lowes last night (add insult to injury) I got berated for wearing a mask…. don’t I know the mandate is over? Stupid bitch sheeple don’t know how to exercise your rights. I guess I only have the right to not wear one… not the right TO wear one… people lived with the government bullying them into wearing masks that didn’t do ANYTHING to stop anything so why not bully people like me for exercising MY choice. Doesn’t matter that my doctor said that the BEST I can hope for is 65% effectiveness if I’m lucky because of RA even though I’m fully vaccinated but I pay 10K a month for the meds to be able to function that limit the efficacy…. nope I’m a stupid bitch sheeple…

I keep thinking…. the energy a person puts out into the world (positive or negative) will be returned to that person three times. What did I do wrong? WHAT DID I DO WRONG????

I would not wish this on anyone for a long period of time… but I really wish whoever got a stick up their ass with my house would have to live my life for ONE month… infusion to infusion… and deal with all of this shit so they would know. ALONE….. have a live human to talk to for about one hour…. maybe two hours… a day. Have to shovel through all of the shit that got put off for the year that they were dealing with Covid and Hospice and Grief and stress and PTSD. Then they can go back to their ticky tacky lives and leave me the hell alone.

Below are the lyrics to Little Boxes and here is a link to a really neat article on the song.

https://news.berkeley.edu/2020/08/28/berkeley-talks-music-podcast-malvina-reynolds/

Lyrics to Little Boxes

[Verse 1]
Little boxes on the hillside
Little boxes made of ticky-tacky
Little boxes on the hillside
Little boxes all the same
There’s a pink one and a green one
And a blue one and a yellow one
And they’re all made out of ticky-tacky
And they all look just the same

[Verse 2]
And the people in the houses
All went to the university
Where they were put in boxes
And they came out all the same
And there’s doctors and lawyers
And business executives
And they’re all made out of ticky-tacky
And they all look just the same

[Verse 3]
And they all play on the golf course
And drink their martinis dry
And they all have pretty children
And the children go to school
And the children go to summer camp
And then to the university
Where they are put in boxes
And they come out all the same

[Verse 4]
And the boys go into business
And marry and raise a family
In boxes made of ticky-tacky
And they all look just the same
There’s a pink one and a green one
And a blue one and a yellow one
And they’re all made out of ticky-tacky
And they all look just the same

Sorry for the rant but… all I can manage this morning is to cry and I don’t know how to cope right now… and the meds that would help not cry all day would mean I can’t do my job and I can’t do what I have to to keep from going to court over the shelves on my porch.

Love and Light
AprilJoy

1 Comment

Posted in Music, rant, rheumatoid arthritis

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Just What Exactly Does Normal Mean?

Posted on September 23, 2020 | 1 comment

I guess it would come as no surprise that I come at things a little differently. I figure everyone looks at the world through little different lenses because no two people are the same, not even the ones who grew up identical twins. That being said, my kids both know that, when anyone talks about normal, the only think I know of that is normal is the setting on the dryer (the washer too, depending on your make and model). Even normal body temperature isn’t “normal” just average.

So now we are 6 months in to Covid 19. I live in the United States, so I guess that makes me part of the “me” country. Yes, I realize that we are who most of the rest of the world looks at and shakes their heads. I look at us and shake my head.

We fought the good fight for about two weeks when two weeks was what was set out as the game plan. But people got stir crazy. People wanted to go back to normal.

What normal are they wanting to go back to?

Unemployment benefits are being paid out at often well over what people were making while employed. There was a moratorium put on foreclosures and evictions. People who had never even thought of using a food bank before had to start to rely on food banks. People who never ate at home with their family around the table started to spend time with family around the supper table again.

Unemployment boost (the extra $300, $400, $600) will end. People who are unemployed will have to subsist on what “normal” unemployment is again. The moratorium on not losing your home because of back rent will end… and if you can’t make up all of what you owe, landlords and banks will be able to process the evictions.

What “normal” will that leave everyone with? What will “normal” now look like for those families?

People want normal schools.

People want normal lives.

People are demanding normal Halloween.

“These kids deserve normal” (Kids, from what I’ve seen, seem to adapt far better than their parents)

“I want my kids to grow up the way I did” (Take away the electronics then, go back to board games and four channels on the TV)

“If any sheep wearing masks come to my door trick-or-treating they will get nothing from me” (I kind of like the picture of mask wearing sheep… but that’s just because my mind works a little differently)

“People call this the new normal. There’s nothing normal about this!” Why? Shit changes. Shit changes every single day. You don’t like it? Okay that’s great. Start being part of the solution rather than being part of the thing that is getting the US laughed at.

Fifteen years ago, my normal changed. I went from being obese and trying to get in better shape running to having the rug ripped out from under me when I got the phone call that the lump on my finger wasn’t a cyst it was RA and oh by the way I had been having active RA, at that time, for about two years. I was moderate to advanced already. HA. So there.

Enter drugs that dumb down my immune system and enter singing happy birthday twice every time you wash your hands and oh yeah carry hand sanitizer everywhere and clorox wipes to clean off the tables in restaurants and finding creative ways to push buttons on the elevator and the soda machine. Enter being terrified to buy lemonade at lemonade stands because kids are kids (and kids ARE kids and they will always be kids). Enter looking at EVERYTHING just a little differently. Enter a new normal for me.

Was it a pain in the ass? Yep. Was I terrified? Yep, still am to a great extent.

Do you have any idea how happy I am that there are now “tools” that are being imagined and delivered that make MY life easier? I have a hook to pull open doors, to push open doors, to push elevator buttons, to not touch a lot of things that I used to look and try to puzzle through the best way to cope? Do you have any idea how awesome I find it that I have fashion choices I can make with masks that I’ve wanted to wear but the paper ones just didn’t work for my head size and the skin under my glasses? Do you? I took a mask I bought at Walmart to my mom’s with a couple technical shirts in hope that she can reverse engineer the mask and make me some sexy running masks so when races start again (and the bitching at Disney for cancelling the January and February races has been rampant since the announcement came out… and don’t get me started on “social distancing” in races and runners on the left and walkers on the right unless I’m a runner and there are too many runners and I can elbow you to the face because you’re walking a race and you’re IN MY WAY) I can wear something that I am comfortable in and that I think looks good.

No, you probably don’t unless you are one of the people for whom this is… WAIT FOR IT… normal now.

Normal for my siblings growing up was having polio.

Normal for my siblings growing up was barn work and putting in hay in the summer and making trips to the store maybe once a week maybe once every two weeks. Normal for most of us was a land line that had a rotary dial not a computer you toss carelessly around like a $2 notebook.

Normal?

You want normal?

And what happens when YOUR normal changes?

I’m tired of rhetoric. I’m tired of being taken for granted. I’m tired of knowing that a lot of the people I live around figure that I’m expendable because they want to go back to what they had a year ago. I’m tired of knowing that (despite the fact that I have a job and I contribute to society) I’m one of the people who should just suck it up and die quicker so the rest of the people can get on with their lives and maybe be able to rely on herd immunity.

I’m tired. Mostly I’m tired of seeing just how little regard an awful lot of people have for each other. I’m tired of the new normal making it okay to name call and bully but hey, that’s a great part of the new normal that no one seems to want to get rid of because THAT is just wicked freaking awesome to be able to completely turn off what filter you had and let your bully flag fly. I’m tired of it being okay to call people sheep because you’re too self absorbed to know that there are people like me living right beside you. Maybe I should COMPLETELY turn off my filter (what little filter I have, any way) and tell people what I think of them and THEIR wicked awesome new normal… but oh wait… it’s bad if I say something to you but it’s okay for you to say something to or about me… I forgot… YOUR normal is good, but only yours.

I don’t know what “normal” will evolve in to but it will continue to evolve. At some people even the United States will be able to claim that we have managed to beat Covid into submission (albeit long after the rest of the world minimized confirmed cases and deaths). At that point, normal will be a NEW NORMAL again. Maybe at that point people won’t be angry at that new normal.

As for me… my new normal is… This morning I noticed I’m starting to go gray. I’m wearing one of my masks around my neck. I’m a little concerned I woke up with a headache but a couple of napproxen and an extra 90 minutes sleep beat it back. For now, normal is waking up on the futon mattress on the living room floor with four dogs for company and checking on Bear to make sure he is still breathing. This morning, normal was putting on a hoody to ‘go to work’ in my office 60 feet from the living room. Halloween will mean bagging up candy and putting several baggys on a table to be picked up by trick or treaters. I won’t make fun of them regardless of whether or not they wear masks. I will wear my mask and keep my distance because I know that there are people out there who are asymptomatic and if I catch it from them I probably won’t be.

And… I’m late for work, but I needed this diatribe. Will anyone care? Those who already care will care. Those who don’t, won’t. And if I get any snark… I just might snark back…

Love and light
AprilJoy
9/23/2020
Happy Fall….

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Posted in rant

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Denied…

Posted on September 15, 2020 | 3 comments

I am… lost… scared…livid… frustrated…

Probably not this month… Should be tomorrow but probably not this month…

I have been on Orencia INFUSIONS (that’s when they run an IV into your arm and deliver the meds in the infusion center) for eight years (a little more than 8). EIGHT YEARS… eight years… Six and a half of those years has been with the same insurance carrier… before they got acquired by a drugstore chain… one I’ve had issues with before because my stupid doctors refuse to write my prescriptions in the way the drug store chooses to be able to fill them… and yes, it is THEIR CHOICE to not be able to fill them the way the doctor writes the scripts.

Yesterday I got a letter in the mail telling me that my infusion (the one that was supposed to be tomorrow) was denied. The decision was made in August (woman on the phone let that little gem slip), the letter was written September 8 and postmarked September 9 in Arizona. It took six days to get to Ohio from Arizona.

To start with… it took six days to get me the information that the infusion that I start to really need by four or five days before the 4 weeks are up would be denied… it was supposed to be 9/16. It’s not yet cancelled but it probably will be today because… yeah…

The USPS couldn’t get it to me in less than 6 days. Good thing they are being way more efficient now that we have that shiny new head of the postal service… sigh…

I called… I called the clinic to see what they could tell me… they are working on it. THEY sent the follow up paperwork a week ago when they got the notification that after 8 years the insurance company thinks maybe I should just do things differently now.

I called the insurance company.

I got a very nice man that commiserated with me, but who had to put me through to the mega drugstore chain who owns them and who decided that suddenly they need more information.

At that point I became a very stupid four year old who needed to be patronized. The woman on the phone explained four times that they need more information. More papers need to be provided before they can decide again whether or not my meds are justified. After I got pissed and told her that I’m not a stupid idiot and that I READ on my letter that the doctor needs to provide more information and that, no, indeed, I did not need her to read me the letter again telling me that they just need more information and that I can file an appeal.

I snarked at her. I snarked hard.

She finally coughed up the information that the denial is typically because the doctor hasn’t prescribed the maintenance meds in such a way to ensure a 90 day supply… of IV infusion meds… that get administered in the clinic every 4 weeks… and have been for 8 years.

I can file an appeal.

That will take 15 days for the first level… then they will send a letter… which will make it 22 days if past history is anything to go by… letting me know if it is approved or again denied… at which point I can again file an appeal… and another three weeks later (that makes my 4 week infusion at worst 10 weeks out unless it is completely denied then suck farts old woman).

And all of this came two days after I watched someone dear to me drink a Pepsi… She has RA. She is finally (after several years… after MTX and plaquinil and enbryl and weaning herself off of 7 years of prednisone) pretty much controlled. Her hands aren’t working “right” any more and she has to pick up her Pepsi bottle with two hands to drink it because she can’t physically pick it up with one hand any more.

All of this while I sit and examine the nodules on my fingers that so far aren’t getting any bigger.

All of this while my fingers and toes are feeling like someone has poured hot ground glass into the finger joints and the joints where my toes connect to the big part of my feet.

All of this while hospice.

All of this while trying to hold it together

All of this… all of this… all of this…

And you know, <sarcasm> stress certainly doesn’t make any of this worse and it certainly doesn’t trigger a flare and it certainly doesn’t make me fall apart</sarcasm>.

I have to take walks with bear. It means too much to be able to push his chair all over the neighborhood and spend evenings out and about together. No matter what it takes, I have to push him on our walks. No matter what it takes. Time is so short and so precious… I have to… we have to… no matter what. What if the last walk was the last walk? What if… what if…

AprilJoy
9/15/2020

3 Comments

Posted in Infusions, insurance, rant

Just The Flu

Posted on June 30, 2020 | 2 comments

<rant (fair warning)>
You logic (or maybe your humanity???) is flawed. It’s not that I have a particularly thin skin. I have been bullied my entire life. I get it. I have a kick me sign. Dynomutt, scag, nerd (okay that one turned out to be true… ), dogface… I get it. But sometimes the stupid just hurts my brain so badly that I can’t help but scream.

This is my scream.

It’s not COVID… it’s ONLY the Seasonal Flu!!! DUH.
Okay, let’s suppose that your premise is true. Let’s just suppose for the sake of argument (and because I’m just too tired to give two shits and a poptart) that that were the case. Let’s just suppose that the reason you don’t wear a mask… that you don’t stay the hell away from me in stores… that you don’t stop the endless bitching is that it is the flu and everyone knows that the flu kills WAY WAY WAY more people than the stupid SHEEPLY Covid crap has.
Two things.

1, if it is flu it isn’t covid. you can’t have it both ways. Pick one and get on with your kvetching.

2. if it is the flu and EVERYONE EVERYWHERE knows that the flu kills bazillions and bazillions of people every year so duh… then that makes the argument even worse.


IF for the sake of argument it is the seasonal flu then um, the season is over and all of those people dying to make your life inconvenient are just stupid and wrong and not dead… so there


If, the the sake of argument it is the seasonal flu and wearing a mask will keep someone’s mother, father, grandmother, great aunt Eloise on their mother’s brother’s cousin side from dying of the Just Plain Flu… then why is it such a bitch fest to wear the mask while you are in the store…


I get that getting drunk and slobbering and coughing all over people at the bar is just freaking awesomely fun. I get that wiping your runny nose and touching the door knob and grabbing those nachos and using your hands in the salad bar is just so much freaking fun. I get it.


And I get it.


I want desperately to get back to ‘running’ in a race that’s a real race.


I want desperately to go back to Disney like we were supposed to be going to do this past March just the two of us that will never happen.


I want to sit in my office and look out the window and watch the freighters wind their way down the Cuyahoga.


I want to not have to know that I’m watching someone I love desperately die.


But you know what? This whole “JUST THE FLU, DUH” adventure has taught me a lot. It has taught me that an awful lot of people just don’t give a tinker’s dam about other people.

They don’t.


Know what else? When all of this is over and all of the bitching and gnashing of teeth stops (well, okay, whatever… people are acting like it is nothing and over now so… whatever)… I’m going to get my flu shot because I’m one of those inconvenient statistics that everyone keeps throwing out there. I’m one of the expendables. But when this is all over… whenever that is… I’m going to keep doing the needful. Flu season, I’m going to carry my handy dandy mask with me and when I’m around anyone I’m going to wear it. If this is JUST THE FLU, then this is just the flu and it’s all good and my trying to keep myself, the people I love, and even your sorry ass safe from JUST THE SEASONAL FLU and being one of the BAZILLIONS who die EVERY YEAR from that, K? For what it’s worth… my wearing my mask isn’t hurting you at all. It is not a political statement. It just says way the hell more about me than it does about you.


Don’t like the government regulating that you pretend for one hour every couple days or so to be a caring human being, fine. Whatever.
I have a limited number of give-a-damns in any given day and… guess what… just used them up. Get too close to me, I’m going to suddenly have a HUGE WET MEATY COUGHING FIT. I am.

Might start carrying a cane and accidentally trip you if you step into my bubble. Consider this fair warning.


I wish with ALL OF MY HEART that I could go back to February and do so many things differently… with all of my heart… because maybe things would be different for this house right now.


This whole JUST THE SEASONAL FLU adventure has taught me how many people just don’t care.


but it has taught me, too, just how many people do. And for that, thank you…

Thank you.


I’m tired. I am deep down bone tired.


</rant>


Time to get on with Tuesday.

Love and Light
AprilJoy
6/30/2020

2 Comments

Posted in Covid 19, flu, rant

I’m just so freaking tired…

Posted on May 11, 2020 | Leave a comment

So, yesterday, I did a thing.

I posted a gif on Facebook of a man who is talking about how 70 – 700 people dying so the US economy can rally is acceptable. The off camera person said… so… 70 is the number that’s okay? Man: yeah… 70. Off camera: Let me show you 70 people.

70 people in that man’s family came around the corner of the street.

When he realized that there were 70 people who were in his family and that 70 suddenly had faces and relevance his numbers changed.

Was it staged? Um… Duh.

Was it to make a point that every single one of the “acceptable losses” is a person? Um… duh.

I’m so tired right now. I’m so incredibly tired.

A friend of mine from elementary school commented on the picture.

But on the other end of this horrible double edged sword, is the awful fact that's thousands have not received a penny of unemployment in 7-8 weeks or more. These folks are losing their businesses and not even being able to afford food.. terrible situation whole way around. 😞

<because… again… duh… it’s not like I don’t know that too… and I KNOW those faces as well> and I answered… I answered because I’m tired. I am so sick and tired of all of the bullshit. ALL of the bullshit.

I know. I really do know. And I’m terrified of the way the economy is and the way it is heading and I hate the way the country is handling this so incredibly horribly compared to EVERYWHERE else. But people are very very cavalier with “eh… 70 to 700 deaths are acceptable as long as it fixes everything ” (which it isn’t going to fix everything like people believe. there is no magic bullet in this case) until they are faced with the acceptable losses being THEIR losses.

Would all 70 acceptable losses be in one family? Not likely. But people don’t put faces to the acceptable losses they keep throwing around. People use a tone of voice when they talk about acceptable losses… like… Yeah… whatever… a few more dead people… so what… pffft

I have family in the same situation… where they don’t have an income and they are waiting and waiting and waiting for stimulus checks and unemployment that feels like it will never come. But I also speak as someone who cavalierly gets lumped into that big giant “Eh, F$%^-em let them die so the economy can be as fabulous as it’s ever been” feeling you get from seeing people talk about acceptable losses. Three people who live in my house would very likely die if any of us got Covid.

I guess that’s three from someone else’s house that wouldn’t have to… but still… I’ve had it right up to the eyeballs with hearing about how it’s “only” the elderly and vulnerable who are likely to die so what’s the problem.

I’m tired of spending 12 – 14 hours a day sitting in my office at my computer busting my butt working only to be made to feel like a drain on society.MY point in this is… every acceptable loss is someones family… someone’s brother, sister, son, daughter, mother, father, best friend….

I want desperately for people to be able to go back to work and to be safe. But I want people to be safe. I want people to not have to get shot in the face for telling people to put on a mask. I want people to not get spit on for asking someone to please stand 6 freaking feet away. Hell, I don’t want people close to me than that when it’s not this fugly mess and I will deliberately run into assholes in the store before all of this if they ride my heels with a cart or shove their smelly armpits in my face because they HAVE TO HAVE THAT whatever that happens to be where I’m shopping and they can’t wait the 45 seconds it’s going to take me to get my whatever from where they HAVE TO BE.

I’m tired.

I’m tired of bullshit.

Everyone else gets to go “LOOK LOOK LOOK at what those assholes in the <whatever political party they are “against” and are HATING… and I’m so flipping sick of the hating> are doing to make the whole FU#$%^& world so much FU#$%^& worse than anyone else in the whole FU#$%^& world could make it!!!!!”.

I Just thought maybe people might need to be reminded that every acceptable loss matters to someone somewhere…
or maybe not

I was good. I didn’t reply right away. Probably should have. If I had done anything at the time, I probably would have just taken the post down… because I don’t make waves and I don’t voice my political opinion because I’ve been bullied my whole life and I really don’t need to provide more fodder for people to use to take pot shots at me.

But I am tired.

I’m tired and I’m scared and I want about 2/3 of the time to go sit with my back against my favorite tree at the park and wrap myself in the throw I’ve been working on for years and cry until the tears won’t come any more.

This whole mess has taken its tole on my house.

Squirrel is so on edge most of the time and she is facing the knowledge that her girlfriend can only handle the good times and can’t handle it when Squirrel falls apart. She is facing friends that have already told her that, if she wears a mask to school or around them for any reason they will make fun of her. She just started Humera… added to the other two immunosuppressants… you know what… Covid hunts people like that down. Would she die? Statistically probably not. But that’s a chance.

Monkey Butt has started to shoulder the responsibility for keeping the rest of the house from going completely bat shit crazy. HE (my jaded son who has hated humanity for years) has started to hunt for the bright sides to show that it’s probably really not so bad.

Bear? Hospice. I’m not handling that really well, either. Hospice makes it really really real. Last night we <all four of us> went to Lowes. It was the first time Bear had been inside of a store in over two months. I needed fence to keep my dogs out of my garden and I needed containers to grow some of my plants in… and I needed soil for in those containers… I needed stuff to work on my witchy SHTF prepper stuff outside so I don’t have to worry quite so much about what is coming… and to keep us as healthy as we can be inside our walls. I needed Monkey Butt because bags of garden soil are heavy. Squirrel needed to get out of the house because… she hasn’t been venturing out even when I have made my panic filled ventures out into the craziness. And Bear needed to be out. He needed to be out and where people outside of the four of us (and his hospice nurse Dave) are. The last time we were at a store together, he pushed the cart. Yesterday he drove my truck, but he needed his wheelchair because he knows his legs won’t carry him even with the cart through the store. It’s getting that real. What would Covid do if it came into my house?

And me? I am just tired of the stupid things that people do to each other. I’m tired of people ridiculing the choices we have had to make. I don’t LIKE doing a half marathon virtually with a mask on. I don’t like being terrified every time I walk into a store that is full of people who have apparently decided that the current situation is an excuse for them to let their asshole flag fly high and proud. I have been loudly and publicly ridiculed and laughed at in a Walmart isle because I chose to have a mask and gloves (and because losing 50 pounds has messed with my ability to maintain feeling warm) and a hoody on a 50 degree day. I’m trying to keep up with everything in the house. I’m trying to hold it together because Bear can’t handle it when people lose it in front of him… so I hold onto my control as long as I can until I can’t any more. And I spend hours at my computer working because I do still have a job to “go” to and I need to keep that job. I try so hard to down out the TV when it’s on because everyone talks about acceptable losses and how it is “only” (except when it’s not only) the elderly and vulnerable and fragile who are at risk any way. I’m one of the at risk. I take my own immuno-supressants and I qualify for elderly. Would it kill me? I don’t know. Maybe, maybe not. I know that I’m feeling very lost and very scared and I struggle a lot of days just to make it through the day without falling completely apart.

But suddenly I don’t understand both sides (either side) because I’m trying to point out that NO ONE anywhere seem to be faking the attitude that would feel better when they talk about acceptable losses. I guess when you talk about it in terms of acceptable losses it depersonalizes it. Like when you talk about the HUGE numbers of people who are struggling to survive the devastating unemployment numbers. Like when you see cars lined up at food distribution centers. We get to see the faces of the nurses and doctors who are saving lives. We get to see the faces of some of the people who have beaten it. And those faces give my hope. They are a very good thing. But there are faces behind every number that gets thrown around. The numbers of people working devastating hours in what currently amounts to nearly a war zone at stores (if three people can shoot a guard for saying you have to wear a mask and you are in the position of working in stores like that IT DOES AMOUNT TO A WAR ZONE). The numbers of families (mothers, fathers, children) who are facing another day without money… without food… without <in a lot of cases> hope. THOSE are faces too. They aren’t numbers. They aren’t statistics. THEY ARE FACES!!!

I guess I will leave my soap box now. Will it do any good? Will it matter? Yeah, probably not. But it did clear my head a little and give me a voice through witch to scream.

Love and Light
AprilJoy
5/11/2020

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An Open Apology for Being Me

Posted on November 5, 2018 | Leave a comment

Okay, so the title is a little disingenuous.  I do not ever (any more) apologize for being me. You don’t like it?  Chuck Fou Yarley… drive on by.  I get tired of people trying to make it my fault for their shit.  I’m done.

That said… I was running through the groups, on Facebook, that I really (sometimes) enjoy reading this morning and I feel like this all needs to be said…

To the person with RA who’s response to someone asking for help/advice in desperation who’s only response to the cry for help was “buy a dishwasher or stop washing dishes”… you’re not part of the solution, you, my dear troll, are part of the problem.  If you are in the group because you have RA and your only ONLY response is snark, I’m sorry that the rest of us take up space in your world . It must be nice being queen of the May, but you know what… bite me. I may not have answers for the person asking but I’m damn sure either going to say nothing or try to be supportive and understanding.  RA sucks.  Being a b#$%h sucks worse.  She didn’t deserve your snark.  I apologize for trying to maintain as normal a life as I can while gagging down a fist full of pills every day to help me do that.  It keeps me semi-functional.

To the person who felt compelled (again) to bitch about those of us who are such dismal failures that we can ‘only’ finish a half marathon in 2:45  or longer who are taking up valuable space on the road (having paid our 100 – 200 – 300 dollars to be in the same freaking race as you) by walking part of the race while your narrow ass is… oh wait… yeah… STARTING BEHIND US else you wouldn’t be bitching about us being there you would have already crossed the finish line…  Walkers shouldn’t be allowed in races.  Really?  What exactly is the cut off for speed in a race?  Because, you know, I may not be doing a 4 minute mile for 13 miles, but I’ve improved significantly over the past year.  What is the speed cut off to be in your special neck of the world?  You’re not talking about running Boston or New York or even Chicago… your talking about running a freaking Disney race for crying out loud.  If the people you are bitching about are in any way in front of you, that says way more about you than about them.  The only exception to that statement is the Dead Last Club who start out with the balloon ladies and see how many kills they can accumulate by the finish line.  Them I get, but you know what… they have manners… they probably would rather have more slower people in the race so there are more people they can pass.  You… princess butt muffin… you are just whining to whine.  The waaaaaaambulance is coming so hop on.  To you I apologize for taking up your valuable space and air.

I apologize for not running when obviously the fact that I can run walk run faster than you can flat out run simply makes me a poser.  My race, my pace and when I pass you walking while you are running, I won’t pass judgement on you, I will just run my race.

I apologize for caring and trying to be a friend when it has become obvious that lies and deceit are what was driving everything.  If you read this and you understand that this time it is directed at you… good.  If not, whatever.

And finally (and this one is genuine) I apologize to WW for passing judgement when I shouldn’t have.  I still don’t get the logic and I still kind of track in a way that works for me (ie… If I have a smoothie and I know that the smoothie is one cup and it WILL hold me for a few hours… I will still track it as 0 points).  It worked for me.  Online worked for me.  Meetings are working for me (albeit the early early early one so I can still do crap on my Saturday).  I’m 2 weeks in to maintenance and one week out from infusion still tracking to my goal weight.  Yesterday I ate too much… today will be better.

And to you… I apologize for the rant.  But when my head is going to explode because it is so full of the stupid banging around in there, I feel compelled (driven) to let it out before it spills out on my family and co-workers.  It’s Monday and a no-run (rain and rest day and post leaf blowing day) day and there are days when rant is the only way to stay sane.

Love and Light
April
11/5/2018

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Well This Sucks (on no plastic straws)

Posted on August 14, 2018 | 1 comment

I watched a video this morning on the banning of plastic straws and its impact on the disabled community.

I’m all for saving the planet.  I’m all for saving the animals that are impacted when plastic straws (plastic lots of things) enter the water and the wilds.

But at what cost?

I’m ‘lucky’ (tongue in cheek sometimes).  I’m able to buy alternative straws (forever straws… my wicked cool metal foldy straw is supposed to be coming in November… knock on wood) and to use them.  But there are many people who can’t invest that kind of money in a straw.  There are a lot of people who require a straw that bends (haven’t seen a forever straw that is bendy yet).  There are a crap ton (a metric crap ton to be more exact) of people like me, who look at the straws in the older dispensers that are not wrapped and that lord only knows who has touched or coughed in on and mentally freak because either they have issues in their brains with germs or they have compromised immune systems and have issues in the rest of their body with germs.

The report had it’s due diligence done.  People went out and asked companies in the cities where straws are already banned if there were straws available to people who can’t bring a cup to their lips because they don’t have the use of their hands and arms to do so.  The people wanting their freedom to live the lives they have in the most independent way possible sometimes need the simpler things just to be able to be functional.  There were many companies that didn’t even have straws available to be used by the people who NEED them.

I don’t NEED a straw.  Sometimes it is nice to have a straw but it isn’t something that I need.  If I do want a straw, I do want one that is either within my control to clean or that is wrapped.  I don’t want the people who go to the bathroom and leave without washing their hands and who cough into their fists and then wipe their nose with their hands touching my naked straw (or silverware or whatever).  And don’t get me started on people who grab your glass by putting their fingers into the glass when they hand it to you at the fast food places.

People who are differently abled have the right to their independence and the people who provide goods and services have a legal responsibility to provide them with reasonable alternatives when requested as necessary.

It sucks enough to NEED to need the extra assistance.  Adding to the troubles that people with disabilities have by taking away their ability to interact with what they need to survive isn’t the answer.

 

Love and Light
April
8/13/18

 

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It’s NOT Okay

Posted on June 12, 2018 | 2 comments

It’s not okay… okay?  It’s just FREAKING not.

I’m a little edgy this week, I’ll give you that. Today I go see my PCP and I haven’t seen her since I got pissed and started Weight Watchers.  I’m down but probably not down as much as she will want and she might just get an ear full on how… you know… Sunday when I did just under 13 miles (at least per my fitbit… map my run thinks it’s more… ) I burned almost twice as many calories as I consumed (Yay 23 points… YAY 752 calories intake…. WOOOHOOO… not… ) and how I’m not certain that this is a sustainable “life style choice” for the long haul.

I’m a little stressed.

So yesterday’s reaction to a situation might be a little skewed.  I didn’t THINK it was, but by the comments… and comments to comments… I’m not so certain any more.

I run.

And I’m actually enjoying running.

I’m down 30 pounds.  I’m kind of enjoying how that feels too.

I run in leggings. I wear either a tank, a technical t-shirt or a technical long sleeved shirt.  Running get up tends to not flap in the breeze, it usually fits more on the tighter side.  That’s just the way running stuff is.

I have a running skirt that I’ve been really wanting to try out… but I’m not sure how I will feel about running in it any more… not after yesterday.

Yesterday I went for a walk in Public Square at lunch time.  I wanted to hit my step goal and that was probably the best way to do it.

As I was walking through, a woman who was out for her lunch time run came past me through the park.  She was wearing all black.  She had leggings to her ankles.  She had a long sleeved technical shirt.  She had headsets.  She was going at a dead run.  I wanted to be her so badly.

A herd of piggies (you know the male chauvinist kind) found it necessary to engage in somewhat questionable cat calling.  It wasn’t for her benefit.  It wasn’t just a whistle.  It was rude.

“Look at them titties bounce”
“Man, that is one fine tight little ass”

I guess maybe I over reacted.

I suppose in the “Merca” we live in today that is perfectly acceptable.

I mean there were only about 30 kids under the age of 8 in the park for the lunch time fun that Cleveland has scheduled this summer.  It’s not like they are of an impressionable age, right?

I posted on facebook.  I was really pissed about the piggies.  It’s NOT alright to treat someone’s daughter/sister/mother this way.  It’s just not.

And I got some people (more, I’ll admit, amongst my running group than ‘regular’ facebook) that were as pissed as I was.  When you hear stuff like that, it kind of strikes home that you are not always as safe as you would like to think you are when you are out running in a public place in broad daylight with your headsets on.

There aren’t a lot of people around when I run so I’m not apt to hear the comments.  But there aren’t a lot of people around when I run… so… yeah.

One woman agreed with me and pointed out (RIGHTLY SO) that in today’s political environment, this kind of talk is not only condoned, it gets you elected president.  At which point it was pointed out that… you KNOW… Billy did bad things so it’s perfectly reasonable that it’s okay to say you could grab them by the <you know the rest> and to treat them like less than second class citizens.

Someone from work (who is at Disney as we speak… I’m so jealous) pointed out that… at Disney… there are women who are walking around with furry nether regions sticking out and with shirts cut low enough that nipples are becoming visible (and not during breast feeding) and if it were him with his junk dangling out of his shorts he would be arrested.  He’s right.  There is a HUGE double standard.

It was pointed out to him that body shaming is never acceptable when he said that he and his wife explained to their LITTLE GIRLS (read… I think maybe 6 and 8) that it’s not a good thing to have your nether regions on display so EVERYONE (including the CTV cameras that live stream Main Street USA) can see if they are natural blondes or not.  We aren’t talking about beach attire here.  We aren’t talking about being AT the beach.  Hello…

People are HORRIBLY offended at the THOUGHT of someone who is trans using the same bathroom as they are using… that someone might SEE something… something on their DAUGHTERS or wives… that they shouldn’t see.  Hell, they don’t have to worry about perverts pretending to be trans to sneak in to bathrooms to catch a glimpse… all they have to do is walk through a public place and wait.  It will come to the perverts, they don’t have to seek it out.

It’s a double standard.

Monkey Butt thinks I’m a freak of a feminist… and I guess I’m a freak in general so why not as a feminist.  I don’t think men and women should be treated differently.  I think if a man is arrested for his dangly bits being on public display, then maybe women should have the same experience.  That apparently makes me unpopular.  Women should be allowed to wear whatever they feel comfortable in wherever they feel comfortable wearing it (or… you know… not wearing it) irrespective of location and audience.  I think, if women have chairs and couches in the lady’s room… that men should have them too.  I think having locks on every freaking lady’s room door at work (all… every single one) but none on the men’s room doors is also somewhat hypocritical.

And I’m sitting here thinking… you know… I know I can get away with (in my head) wearing things that I haven’t worn in YEARS… shorts for example… leggings… shirts that aren’t as huge as I can find to hide in…

I know I can wear things that are cuter or that fit better.

But if it means that piggies are going to find it acceptable to make comments… am I really ready for those head games?

I know, I know… piggies will be piggies… and piggies are everywhere.

But that doesn’t make it okay.

 

Love and Light
April
6/12/18

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Fear Factor… Reading Race Posts for the Disney Princess Half Marathon 2018

Posted on February 28, 2018 | Leave a comment

So… I’m feeling all hyped and at the same time apprehensive for the 2019 Princess Fairytale Challenge.  10k Saturday, half marathon Sunday… February 2019… Yesterday it became official… we booked through a travel agent for the challenge bibs, rooms, dining plan and park tickets for 10 days.  I’m actively working towards a goal completely terrified I won’t make it… but a goal none the less.

I’ve been eavesdropping on conversations on Facebook groups about this year’s race.  Some I can so totally relate to… some not so much… but it’s all information and it’s all good.

This morning I saw a post that stopped me dead in my tracks…

I had the flu but mostly recovered, did the 10k but the morning of the half had a sore throat and fever but I wanted to do it anyway but <ajw THANK GOD> couldn’t… found out I had strep….

I had the flu and did the 10k but couldn’t do the half…

okay…. pretend you are on the other end of that discussion ….

I spend an OBSCENE amount of money dumbing down my immune system. My body hates me and attacks itself if I don’t. I find any way I can to not touch things like tables in public places, elevator buttons, gym machines that inconsiderate ass holes use and hang all over and sweat all over the treadmill and walk away without listening to the signs saying that after you sweat all over everything wipe it off…. I am overly cautious and I’m overly cognizant of this kind of thing…. frankly because I have to be. I read posts DUMPING on inconsiderate people at the races who walk in the wrong places or jump into corrals where they don’t belong…. and then I read the posts that say that they have incredibly contagious diseases (in a year when a lot of people…people like me…. people like….oh you know… the little kids you’re around) from just these diseases. But I guess that contaminating the happiest place on earth is way less inconsiderate than all of the other stuff because it’s you?

Do I know there are people who don’t think… yeah. Do I know there are people who just don’t care, yeah. But as long as you are talking about entitled people being inconsiderate to you, realize the mirror works both ways.

Okay…

Rant over…

Coffee consumed….

Off to infusion time to dumb down my immune system some more…

Love and light

April

2/28/18

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Posted in disney half marathon, Disney Princess, Half Marathon, rant