It’s my pity party… get over it

It’s a crappy day.  It is going to be a crappy day… it has been a crappy day since yesterday afternoon.  Deal with it.  I will get over it… you can enjoy the party with me or you can ignore me or you can take a flying leap… your choice… it’s my pity party and I will be down if I want to.  I’m actually trying really hard to fight off the crappy mood… and am having some success… but I’m still feeling sorry for myself.

Yesterday was my last ‘official’ Rheumy appt of the year.  Woohoo.  I really like Dr Booth.  She listens… she doesn’t BS me… she is funny.  Her take on me?  I’m basically too stupid to let this get the better of me.  I just go on living my life despite hurting like hell some days… aching on most days. ..  I’m a difficult patient because I’m not a difficult patient… go figure.  If I didn’t just get my butt going and refuse to let this keep me from living my life, I would probably be in better shape and I would be better at whining about where it hurts and how I feel.

So… I’m really not sure what they think I should do… give up?  Quit being me?  Whine more?  For what purpose… what good would giving up really do?

I know that now I’m worrying people.  My mom said that I looked really good when we were home.  I’m really really happy that I looked good.  That makes me feel really great.  However now she is worried because Dr Booth was poking around my joints and figured out that my left ankle is squishy… squishier than my right one… which is also squishy.  my right toes are worse than my left toes which are also involved.  M right wrist… a couple knuckles on my right hand and a couple on my left hand and POOF… 12 involved joints at least.  Bear worries because I’m not getting better.

I’m worried because I’m not getting better… and because before I can take the next steps (enbrel) I had to have a TB test this morning that consisted of 3 tubes of blood drawn… AND now I have to take 2 shots a week instead of just one and (joy of joys) the new one hurts because it has to be refrigerated.  And if you read the cautions, it always makes the treatment sound worse than the disease.

Maybe this will work, though… Maybe this will push it all back down a bit and I can quit hearing Dr Booth telling me that as long as I have this level of involvement, there is a much higher chance of joint damage and malformation… aka… more bumps and angles… and what did I fall asleep to last night (in my sinus infection haze of methoprednizone… which didn’t actually help bring down my inflamed joints at all… joy oh joy… and Z-Pack)?… the commercial about Living or Existing… Living or Existing… and RA.

Well… now I’m looking to the next chapter… which should start about next Friday… the saga continues

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3 responses to “It’s my pity party… get over it

  1. I don’t inject mtx, so can’t compare. The Enbrel, however, does not have to hurt. Take it out of the refrigerator 20-30 minutes before you’re going to give yourself the shot. It’s not supposed to be more than 30 minutes, but less than 15 really stings. I’ve found that the prefilled syringes hurt less than the auto-injector pens, too. I can inject as slowly as needed, and that keeps the stinging to a minimum. The auto-pen has one quick speed, and that stings. At least it did to me. I like the syringe better.

    Good luck. I hope it helps you!

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  2. Thank you for the pep-talk Warm….
    I hope it helps, too… I really really hope it helps.
    I have been trying to figure out if I want the pen because I can’t chicken out or if I want to have the needle because I can control it.
    Given the way my toes feel tonight… I’m actually looking forward to the enbrel… and hoping that it pushes all of the achies away.
    Now… I just have to shake the crappy mood. I really hate feeling this way… less the achies… more the self pity… I don’t do feel sorry for myself like this much and I’m really hating it today.

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  3. Don’t be afraid of the Enbrel! I sat for a half hour trying to give myself the injection and worried for nothing. Besides, a little sting far outweighs the possiblity of relief. Eventually it didn’t work for me and I have been on Remicade for over four years. It has changed my life…and the side effects are scary, but I wouldn’t trade it….before I was on it I could barely walk. I’m not saying that I don’t have flares, but it has halted the progression of the disease so my joint damage hasn’t gotten any worse. Again, the positives of the biologicals far outweigh the negatives!!! Good luck!!!

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