Beginnings

I’ve been thinking a lot about beginnings, my beginnings.  I know that everyone is more than the sum of all of the things that went into where they are now.  I know though, that all of what came before does go into what we are, who we are, what we do.

I had a “Pitch Back”.  I wanted desperately to be able to play on one of the local little league teams.  I remember the birthday when that is all I wanted.  I got it.  I pitched balls at it.  I caught balls it sent back to me.  I hit balls that it pitched back.  No one pitched them to me.  Alone is sometimes lonely.  When the pitch back broke, I threw balls at the barn.  It was less fun, but it worked.

I never got to try out for little league.  Even when my heart SANG the year they actually made it co-ed and I could.  I brought home the papers to be signed.  I asked and pleaded and begged.

But practice was “in town”.  It would mean driving home from work and turning around and driving the 7 miles back to town just so I could try to do something we all knew I couldn’t do anyway.  The other kids had years of practice on real teams.  They would be good.  Implication, I could never be as good, never be good enough.

It was one of the things, like spit baths, that I promised I would NEVER EVER do.  I would never shoot down my kids and tell them that they couldn’t because I didn’t feel like helping them, that I didn’t feel that they were talented enough or had enough experience, to be able to do anything.

I carry with me the knowledge that I’m not good enough.  I will never be good enough.  It is one of the reasons that I question how someone like me could make a difference.  Why would anyone listen to anything that I say.  I fight to overcome that.  It is also why I don’t listen to can’t now that I don’t have to listen to can’t.

Can’t write.  Nope… not listening
Can’t finish my half.  Nope, again, not listening (even when I look at the videos and see a penguin waddling the 13 miles, even when it would have been better, last year, to not have finished because I hurt SO bad… I can and damn it I will)
Can’t make a difference to anyone else.  This one, I do struggle with, but I am starting to realize that I can make a difference and I can help.

So can you.  It doesn’t matter who “you” are.  You matter and you can matter in someone’s life.  Stop and look around you.  You matter.  It may be the neighbor who looks at your smile every day and realizes that even in a tangential way they matter because you smile. Maybe it is a kid who you listen to that no one else seems to listen to and they realize that maybe what they have to say matters.  Maybe you tell people about what you do and what you see and what you live and they understand and they start to realize that other people are people too.  Maybe you think you are doing something for someone else, or for some specific reason (oh say like a kick ass all you can eat soup day to raise money for cancer research) but you may not realize that this may be the only meal someone who shows up may eat and you brought a smile to their face or some friendship to their lives.  Maybe you even carry someone’s bags from the food pantry for them because they can’t and they realize that maybe everything in the world might not totally suck after all.

You are who you are.  You are the sum of what you have been all the days before today plus the little something that you bring to it that you can’t actually see in the math…

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