Yesterday (at least yesterday morning) was a really bad time. It really was… Everything came crashing down around my ears and all I wanted to do was cry. Sometimes I forget things like… Dr Booth was incredibly impressed with how well my back shots did to improve my leg weakness in less than a week and how well my joints are doing on ebrel, even when I hadn’t taken it for three weeks. I’m down to 6 involved joints.. the base of two toes on each foot and two knuckles on my right hand. Knowing that there are things that are beyond my control that I want desperately to control in the lives of people who matter makes me feel very helpless sometimes.
Usually I can shake it off.
Not yesterday. Yesterday was just one of those days when I just wanted to cry… and I did.
This morning, it isn’t quite so bad. Actually, this morning I can start to wrap my mind around reality again. This is a good thing.
I got up this morning ready to squeeze my farmville animals and trees and my cityville buildings and fields and boats… ready for a cup of coffee and to take on the world.
I had a wonderful conversation with my cousin many miles away via text messages. I could picture him sitting listening to his rain and drinking his coffee half a country away. Made me smile, made me homesick, made me feel like I got a virtual hug. Thanks Andy. I needed it. Enjoy both your coffee and your rain. In fact, enjoy your rain just a little bit for me too.
The other thing I did this morning was that I read the responses to a post I added to RA Warrior’s wall on facebook last night. People there reminded me that, while RA kind of sucks. Okay, okay… RA sucks rocks on a good day… and on a bad day… well… but it has given me perspective that I can use to support my peeps… even extending “my peeps” to include special people I’m meeting all over the world.
I am currently 17 months down my diagnosis trail. I am over most of the “this isn’t fair”, the “why me”, the “no no no no no no”… and with the assistance of really interesting medicine, back to feeling way more like me again. I’m planning on going to the gym today with a lady from work at lunch time again! I’ve gotten my head around my reality. I’ve gotten to the point where I’m thinking that I can actually help people deal with their new reality from a personal point of view.
That is a good thing. Because suddenly it matters very much that I can be strong to be leaned on during a newly nearly officially diagnosed peep. I can do this.
I don’t want to have to do this
but I can do this.