Feeling Lame

Today is just kind of a totally lame kind of day.  I don’t know why.  Everything is feeling that way.

Thursday night I got a text message… three “words” (except not all of them were actual words… “how r kids” was all it said).  Guilt?  Yeah, probably.  So I did my good little girl duty (doody?) and crafted a nice long email response to the ever so personal text message.  AND… everything went off into /dev/null (the great bit bucket that passes for email for some people).  But… I did my duty.  Will I hear back?  not likely…. at least not until it is to the advantage of the texter to get back in touch with me out of obligation.  Sometimes I wish she would just send me a “hi how ya doing”text or an email that isn’t telling me about how wonderful she is or how much it would be wonderful if I would do something fabulous for her.  But I know better.  Some day I will get my 30th birthday sweatshirt and the Christmas cards for the last three Christmases.  And Peter Cottontail is hopping down the BUNNY trail… lameness

I know that I will get to hear about how much I don’t need to go spend time with my son while he is having his VEEG test week after next.  I should have been there more for them when they were little, now I don’t deserve to pretend to be there for them.  Yeah… it was put that way.  It isn’t like I’m already beating myself up for the fact that I had febrile seizures and maybe part of this whole epilepsy thing is my fault.  It’s not like I don’t already beat myself up because I worked so much when the kids were little.  It isn’t like I’m not already pretty much the best in the world at beating myself up.  I can’t fix it, I know I can’t fix it.  But I really don’t need people who I KNOW don’t matter making sure I’m aware of how much I don’t deserve to be there for my kids… feeling lameness…
Add to the VEEG deal, he had his wisdom teeth out yesterday and I had to go to work and couldn’t be there for him for his surgery.  I think that is when this whole lameness feeling started.  I know it is “only” oral surgery and there wasn’t anything I could really do there… but I was 40 miles away and feeling very insignificant… and sad… lameness…

This morning, I made chili.  That added to my lameness feeling, too.  To start with, my mom and I chatted during our phone call this morning about stuff.  One of the things was the fact that they were having dad chili today (huge pot of chili, all the kids who aren’t half way across the country would be stopping in for a bowl of chili and a chat) and I talked about the fact that I wanted to make chili because it would be soft enough to not have to chew (I forgot about the TINY little fact that tomatoes burn open wounds and Adam has several open wounds in his mouth… duh).  I was supposed to tell Amandya that we would be able to vicariously participate in chili because we were going to have it at the same time.  I did.  It made her cry.  lameness for making her cry… lameness for making Adam’s mouth hurt…
AND, I always put a jar of picante sauce in my chili.  Opening the jar this morning brought me to my knees.  It made all of my knuckles scream and brought tears to my eyes.  That made me realize that 1.  I am entirely too stubborn for my own good and 2. lameness in a whole different way… :0(

In my head, I know… yeah… I’m doing this to myself.  I’m not lame (except for the ‘it hurts’ kind of way… and I just have to suck that up and realize that it is what it is) and I’m messing with my own head… but it was just that kind of day.  I feel very far away from home.  I feel very insignificant.  I feel very very disconnected.  I see how much pain and fear that so many of my friends are going through and I know I can’t help and I can’t fix it and I want so badly to help… and I feel lame… And I keep reading and re-reading the form letter that I got for putting in my “application” to be in a “hands of RA” book and realize that even among my own people I don’t fit in or belong.  My hands hurt, but they don’t LOOK like they hurt… I am one of the people who are invisible enough to be invisible.  I am one of the proverbial ‘poster child’ people who look healthy enough to  be really invisible… and I’m not even deformed enough, I don’t even fit in with my own kind.  Lameness…

So, the rain falls down and splashes against the window.  The coffee is cold now but still as yummy for all of its creaminess.  My shiny new Hobbit Feet (since Amandya swiped her hobbit feet back now that I broke them in and they are easy to put on) are warming (on my feet) under the heating pad. (Amandya got a wicked cool light blue and gray pair of shiny new hobbit feet too… Yay REI… she is running around with black and white striped toe socks and her hobbit feet below men’s basketball shorts and her Taco Bell hoody).  I’ve discovered Buff Headware that is keeping my head warm and hiding my hair from myself (it looks better to have a wicked cool purple hat thing going on than to see how thin my hair is being… and I’m deliberately ignoring the hair restoration commercials and the “this is how you can make you marvelous main of shiny flippy amazing hair look even more amazing” commercials).  The pine scented candle that I have burning by my side makes the room smell yummy… I’m working my way out of my lame feeling…

How do you shake the sulky feeling that you sometimes fall into?  I’m usually the one who always wears a smile (even if sometimes it feels like a clown face).  I know that I will shake it… but in the mean time, I really don’t like feeling this way.


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