Category Archives: Down Day


Grief, Stress, and fighting your way out of darkness

This gallery contains 1 photos.

It’s really hard being in a dark place. It’s hard to think. It’s hard to function. It’s hard to BE. I knew grief was going to be hard. Believe me. I watch people (face to face and virtually) and I … Continue reading

Grief Chokes

Greetings and felicitations

This morning, I’m having a huge problem getting through my morning. While we were at Disney World, our beloved Peanut passed and now waits at the rainbow bridge.

It was out of nowhere

it was not completely unexpected

We bought her four incredible years with her emergency Bladder Stone surgeries two consecutive March’s. But she was on special food to keep her functioning the best she could. There were no nummy white bits.

She had arthritis. She took carprofin twice a day every day for the last few years.

She was nearly blind with cataracts.

She was 12.

We made sure that she knew she was loved beyond belief and that she was a good girl. I know she was not alone when she crossed the rainbow bridge. The Vet Tech’s that loved her almost as much as we did were with her from the time that they realized that she was in complete renal failure. They worked hard to keep her body going until we got home from Disney. Six days was going to be a long long time. She fought a good fight. But she died on Feb 22 at 10:56 am. I got the call while we were in the Lion King show at Animal Kingdom.

I will never forget where I was when I got the call from the vet that she was in renal failure. I will never forget where I was when I learned that she died.

I get the lessons (at least part of the lessons) that I’m supposed to be learning here. I’m learning how to cope with grief. I’m learning how to cope with grief so deep that it chokes. I get it… sort of.

This morning is so hard.

I hear her nails click on the kitchen floor. I hear her sigh. I hear the thump of her fat butt coming down the stairs. I look to make sure that I don’t step out of bed and step on her when I get up.

We had her cremated. Her box is sitting on my writing desk. Her urn is beneath my computer. I have ashes in a necklace that I wear.

We rescued a Mountain Cur mix when we got home from Disney. He gives me something to fixate on. He is my early morning walking/running buddy. He will help keep me from gaining the weight back. Goofy is a good boy. He’s an enormous puppy (40 pounds at about 5 months old) and he’s working to learn how to live in this crazy household. He’s a good boy. But the void left by Peanut is massive.

Squirrel worries that Peanut will think we are trying to replace her. I talk to her every day. I know she still knows she is loved. I know that she knows that there is no replacing her in our hearts.

Miss you wiggle pig
love and light
March 10, 2019


I’m Becoming Jaded

I’m becoming something I never wanted to be… Jaded. I play an online game.  I can’t devote much time to it, but when I play (pretty much every day for a few minutes) I make sure that I help all … Continue reading


Morning in week 6

This gallery contains 1 photos.

So, here I am… it’s quiet and it’s dark and inside I’m screaming.  I’m tired and I hurt. This morning I caved and decided to take napproxin.  I have been gritting my teeth for days and I’m getting to where … Continue reading

Fighting To Retain the Christmas Spirt

***** Warning… rant in progress… *** Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

I love Christmas.  I love winter… almost as much as I love fall.  And here I am… sitting at my window, trying very hard to retain the Christmas spirit.

This morning my fingers are not happy.  I’ve used my Tiger Balm and my Voltaren gel, and they are still not happy.  I’m going to have to resort to Napproxin shortly.  This is not a huge big deal.  THAT at least is something I have come to expect at random times.

I’ve been sitting here absolutely depressed, however, over my work schedule for the rest of the year.  I’m not supposed to be on call at all this weekend.  AT ALL.  Yesterday I got a rather testy phone call asking me why I wasn’t on line because it was go live (WHO knew) for a project that I wasn’t aware I was even still responsible for.  4 hours working on THAT project on my day off (another hour or so today… yay me) PLUS I got another rather not happy call from MY project team asking me if I could log on and work for an hour or so because the person who WAS on call was TWO HOURS away from his computer.

It’s not bad when I expect it.  It’s not nearly as bad when I can plan around it.  Finding out that my daughter is liable to get fired for being late because no one bothered to tell me that I had to work on my weekend off… really?  Thanks guys… Uber Specialness.

Starting on the 18th (The ENTIRE holiday, ironically starting the SECOND I am allowed to carry more than 10 pounds) I’m on call for all but three days through the end of the year.  I’ve already been warned it’s going to be very busy and there are going to be a lot of things that have to be done. Merry Christmas.  Yay me.  Christmas eve and Christmas day, New Years Eve and New Years day, the entire weekend for two consecutive weekends.  There are going to be two of us NOT on vacation on the Friday after Christmas.  Because when people committed to what they were going to take (back in September) as vacation… they forgot what they said.

Good thing we got the Christmas lights out of the way over Thanksgiving.  I’m trying so hard to keep looking forward to the rest of the Christmas season.  I’m NOT working next Sunday.  I don’t care if someone has to drag my cold dead body across the finish line at the Santa Hustle… I’m holding on to at least that remnant of my holiday.

I’m trying… I really am…

I’m not sure if it is the full moon making it worse, or just realizing that commitments don’t mean shit to people when there are good times to be had… but whatever it is, I have to find a way to shake off the tears and get the holiday spirit back.


Practice What I Preach

It’s Saturday morning.  The sound of the city not quite ready to wake up yet is interesting.  There are birds.  At least there are birds. I’m trying so hard to think positive.  Attitude determines altitude.  Whether you think you can … Continue reading


Drowning Out Negativity

The world in the predawn is quiet.  The coffee is cold (Adam made it sometime last night) but the girl scout cookie creamer makes it taste very yummy and very welcome.  It’s the first not black coffee I’ve had in … Continue reading

Feeling Lame

Today is just kind of a totally lame kind of day.  I don’t know why.  Everything is feeling that way.

Thursday night I got a text message… three “words” (except not all of them were actual words… “how r kids” was all it said).  Guilt?  Yeah, probably.  So I did my good little girl duty (doody?) and crafted a nice long email response to the ever so personal text message.  AND… everything went off into /dev/null (the great bit bucket that passes for email for some people).  But… I did my duty.  Will I hear back?  not likely…. at least not until it is to the advantage of the texter to get back in touch with me out of obligation.  Sometimes I wish she would just send me a “hi how ya doing”text or an email that isn’t telling me about how wonderful she is or how much it would be wonderful if I would do something fabulous for her.  But I know better.  Some day I will get my 30th birthday sweatshirt and the Christmas cards for the last three Christmases.  And Peter Cottontail is hopping down the BUNNY trail… lameness

I know that I will get to hear about how much I don’t need to go spend time with my son while he is having his VEEG test week after next.  I should have been there more for them when they were little, now I don’t deserve to pretend to be there for them.  Yeah… it was put that way.  It isn’t like I’m already beating myself up for the fact that I had febrile seizures and maybe part of this whole epilepsy thing is my fault.  It’s not like I don’t already beat myself up because I worked so much when the kids were little.  It isn’t like I’m not already pretty much the best in the world at beating myself up.  I can’t fix it, I know I can’t fix it.  But I really don’t need people who I KNOW don’t matter making sure I’m aware of how much I don’t deserve to be there for my kids… feeling lameness…
Add to the VEEG deal, he had his wisdom teeth out yesterday and I had to go to work and couldn’t be there for him for his surgery.  I think that is when this whole lameness feeling started.  I know it is “only” oral surgery and there wasn’t anything I could really do there… but I was 40 miles away and feeling very insignificant… and sad… lameness…

This morning, I made chili.  That added to my lameness feeling, too.  To start with, my mom and I chatted during our phone call this morning about stuff.  One of the things was the fact that they were having dad chili today (huge pot of chili, all the kids who aren’t half way across the country would be stopping in for a bowl of chili and a chat) and I talked about the fact that I wanted to make chili because it would be soft enough to not have to chew (I forgot about the TINY little fact that tomatoes burn open wounds and Adam has several open wounds in his mouth… duh).  I was supposed to tell Amandya that we would be able to vicariously participate in chili because we were going to have it at the same time.  I did.  It made her cry.  lameness for making her cry… lameness for making Adam’s mouth hurt…
AND, I always put a jar of picante sauce in my chili.  Opening the jar this morning brought me to my knees.  It made all of my knuckles scream and brought tears to my eyes.  That made me realize that 1.  I am entirely too stubborn for my own good and 2. lameness in a whole different way… :0(

In my head, I know… yeah… I’m doing this to myself.  I’m not lame (except for the ‘it hurts’ kind of way… and I just have to suck that up and realize that it is what it is) and I’m messing with my own head… but it was just that kind of day.  I feel very far away from home.  I feel very insignificant.  I feel very very disconnected.  I see how much pain and fear that so many of my friends are going through and I know I can’t help and I can’t fix it and I want so badly to help… and I feel lame… And I keep reading and re-reading the form letter that I got for putting in my “application” to be in a “hands of RA” book and realize that even among my own people I don’t fit in or belong.  My hands hurt, but they don’t LOOK like they hurt… I am one of the people who are invisible enough to be invisible.  I am one of the proverbial ‘poster child’ people who look healthy enough to  be really invisible… and I’m not even deformed enough, I don’t even fit in with my own kind.  Lameness…

So, the rain falls down and splashes against the window.  The coffee is cold now but still as yummy for all of its creaminess.  My shiny new Hobbit Feet (since Amandya swiped her hobbit feet back now that I broke them in and they are easy to put on) are warming (on my feet) under the heating pad. (Amandya got a wicked cool light blue and gray pair of shiny new hobbit feet too… Yay REI… she is running around with black and white striped toe socks and her hobbit feet below men’s basketball shorts and her Taco Bell hoody).  I’ve discovered Buff Headware that is keeping my head warm and hiding my hair from myself (it looks better to have a wicked cool purple hat thing going on than to see how thin my hair is being… and I’m deliberately ignoring the hair restoration commercials and the “this is how you can make you marvelous main of shiny flippy amazing hair look even more amazing” commercials).  The pine scented candle that I have burning by my side makes the room smell yummy… I’m working my way out of my lame feeling…

How do you shake the sulky feeling that you sometimes fall into?  I’m usually the one who always wears a smile (even if sometimes it feels like a clown face).  I know that I will shake it… but in the mean time, I really don’t like feeling this way.


Why Do You Care

This has been a particularly bad week.  My “boo boo” arm has been hurting more and I’m even caving into the ouchies enough to take tramadol for it.  I’m pretty sure all Yoga managed to do yesterday was aggravate it … Continue reading



And I don’t mean the horse drawn kind… I’m trying really hard to shake the sulky… almost depressed… kind of feeling I’ve been having. We are waiting for Skinny Butt’s AutoImmune blood test results to come back to verify what … Continue reading