Loner-dom has never been a conscious choice, not by design, not because I hate people. It has always seemed to just happen. Thinking back, making friends was just never as easy for me as it seemed to be for other people. And friends have come and gone, slipping gracefully into and out of my life.
There are a few who I have missed greatly. I have tried to contact some… and all of my attempts, for all intents and purposes, have gone to the great bit bucket in the sky. At some point, you start to realize that it’s just not happening.
I watch people at work go and have coffee together. I watch people walk loops, with other people, around the building. I listen to people inviting other people to lunch. I watch people joking and bring each other donuts and breakfast tacos.
I try to drown out the world at work with my headsets. And I feel a very lame leap of joy when I finally get one of the stupid “atta boy” cards at work… even though the person I got one from had (this month) written one out for each and everyone of the people on our team… I felt stupidly happy to realize that I was included as one of the people on my team.
It’s easier to think it doesn’t matter if you drown out the world.
I know I have friends. I know that I have even more acquaintances.
I got home and I watch the neighbors have parties.
We go on vacation and have to pay someone to watch the pets. There is no one I can ask to watch them.
mostly, my friends live in my computer. Some in my computer at work. Some in my computer at home.
And I finally have a best friend… and a few that I consider to be good friends.
I’m reading Mile Markers (Kristin Armstrong) and realizing just how lonely sometimes I am. I face so many of my runs alone.