When Your Heart Hurts

wpid-20150617_083816.jpgI’ve been incredibly moody lately.  I’m not sure why.  I know I can’t blame it on the moon.  This morning, as I sit listening to the rain on the trees outside my office window and the birds lending their voices to the music, dog by my side, all I really want to do is cry.

I don’t even have a good reason to feel this way.  I mean, I know that there are things that have been working on me…. things that I’ve taken entirely too personally… but I’ve taken things badly before and it’s never made me feel like this.

I’m still seeing the bright side as well as the crappy side of things.  Well, okay, most things.  But I spend the biggest part of every day feeling like I’m on the verge of tears, and I’m way not liking it.

I was so excited to join RA Guy’s Hope Care Package exchange.  It was hard to put a value on what I sent because i made most of the stuff I sent, so the yarn didn’t cost me all that much.  If I would have bought the stuff it would have cost a good bit more than what we were supposed to limit ourselves to… The postage to the Uk cost more than the stuff… but I worked really hard to put together something my “to” assignee might like.  And she did.  She posted a picture of herself in the hat and she looked really cute… if you can be our age and still be cute.  THAT made me smile.  It kind of hurt that the person who got my name for her “to” person didn’t bother to send anything… not even a card… and a card would have been really nice.  Would I do it again if there is an exchange again?  Yeah.  It was nice to try to do something special for someone and believe that they would get a smile out of it.  I’m working on hats now for people that I need to send by fall so they have them.  Does it hurt to know that I seem to end up with the people who want to get but not send in these sort of things?  Yeah.  It does.  I don’t want to bitch and kvetch, but it hurt.

I was trying to take advantage of my most of the people I most directly support taking three weeks off from work by taking one of this year’s vacation weeks off.  But I’m suddenly in the middle of really important stuff again.  So, I put off my vacation.  My first thought was… that everyone will get to take all of thier this year’s vacations again and I will be the one to support everything that they don’t have to be doing.  It doesn’t help that one of the most incredibly important things that I have to be neck deep in right now happens to be something left behind when we had to get rid of all of our contractors because budget ran out.  Budget ran out but the work never does.  Jaded?  A little.  Determined?  Hell yes.  I’m going to take the week of Christmas off this year.  I actually got most of Christmas day off last year (most of it) this year I’m taking a page from everyone else’s notebook and taking the ENTIRE week OFF.  So, I sulk, and do the needful.

Some things are harder to see the bright side in.  Some things make me just want to crawl up into a tight little ball and cry.  I try not to dwell on them… but sometimes they are the closest to home, the ones that you can’t escape, that the bright side of is hard to find.  For those I just keep swimming.

My office at work overlooks the river.  I love to watch the changing seasons (heck, the changing days) out my window.  I love it even more when a freighter comes up (or down) the river.  Truth be told, I fly to the window (mine, or one of the others in the bigger office suite) to take pictures of them.  An awful lot of the time, it is “just” the Sam Laud on its merry way back and forth from the stock piles at the mouth of the river to one of the plants up river.  But that just means I have a gazillion pictures of the Sam Laud.  I belong to a group (okay, okay I belong to a couple) on Facebook where everyone is just a goofy as me when it comes to the boats.  The leader of the group I just got added to messaged me and told me that, since I post regularly (sometimes several times a day, depends on if I get to see the ships (stupid meetings and if the ships come through during working hours), he would like to mail me a hat with the Facebook Group’s name embroidered on it.  THAT was a bright spot, it came on Wednesday.  Most hats don’t fit me quite right.  This one fits perfectly without having to tighten it past where it’s “supposed” to be tightened.  I’m sitting here this morning with it perched on my head.  I’ve been wearing ball caps a lot lately.

Tomorrow we are taking a train to Hale Farm.  If I can’t ride an ore freighter, a train is second choice.  I can’t wait to take pictures.

I started another blog, too.  Probably not the best thing to do, under the circumstances… I have a hard time keeping up with living most days.  This one makes me smile.  My DSLR camera’s lenses have worn out completely so I can’t use it.  So, I’m taking pictures with my phone.  I use my daughter’s old camera because she was paying off a chunk of debt with it but the lens is just 18-55… I can’t say I won’t be taking pictures with it.  I will.  I don’t like having only that lens but it will do for now.  My blog, though, is all about smartphone photography.  Just smartphone… maybe a few of my cheapy lenses… they take wicked awesome macro pictures.  So, I’m making a statement with this one (go figure, who knew).  There are pictures I will never be able to get with it, I know, but there are many many that I will.

And writing it out helps.  Getting my mammogram results last night helped a lot too.  I totally need to shake this feeling.

Author: April Wells
Updated July 10, 2015


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