So, sitting here watching the fog roll in and sneak through everything in the neighborhood, thinking about my past month. It’s infusion time again (well, tomorrow) and I have realized that it’s been a really really rough month. And, while I’m actually starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel (if not the one at the end of the street… it’s really REALLY getting foggy) this morning I would love to just be able to crawl back into bed and under the covers and sleep for another ten or fifteen hours.
I’ve been having to push really hard on a project that I’m working on for word. I’ve been having to push entirely too hard and the stress has been showing. AND we all know that stress and RA are not really the best of friends. And feeling crappy has been making it harder and harder and harder to focus on anything. Never ending cycle.
I got to feeling so bad that I went to the doctor… several times over the last couple weeks. I’ve been told by more than one that what I’m having right now is a severe and long lasting asthma attack. Not the kind that sends you to the ER because you are in immediate distress, but the kind that just won’t freaking leave. I’ve had several breathing treatments, have been prescribed nifty new inhalers that I will use as long as I can keep getting the discount coupons from the drug company (sorry… I will tough it out if I have to start paying $400 a month for inhalers). A dose pack of steroids. REALLY good cough syrup so I could get ANY sleep at all. And here I am, starting to crawl out the other side.
The depression that went along with the way I was feeling… compounded by not being able to find out definitively what is or isn’t going on with bear for the last couple months… was way worse than just the Asthma attack. The little black rain cloud I had, the one that sent me into fits of crying at the smallest things, the one that sent me into the corner of the bathroom to choke back as many of the tears at work as I could choke down was the worst part of 2016. The last few mornings, I’ve actually felt like I’ve been able to start to shake that too. Maybe, just maybe, things are looking up.
Even though I get nosebleeds almost every day, I don’t think I’m up for another ENT, though. My PCP suggested that I go see one, and I have an appointment, but… yeah… I don’t think I’m going to go. The last one just wanted to do surgery after he informed me that my face is deformed. After hearing (and reading the provided information) on the surgery before, I think the nosebleeds are the lesser of the two evils. Unless and until I can’t function without the surgery, I’m going to just live with my deformed face (I’ve had the same basic structure for fifty years, why change it now) and deal.
And here I am… I just looked at my weather app, and it turns out we have a dense fog advisory (who knew…. !!! ) and it is supposed to be in the 50s today. Slow going on the drive in, but it will be a nice day. The storms of last night have blown through and with luck the lake in the back yard will dry up soon… nah… it won’t dry up until probably the middle of next month… but it does give the visiting ducks something to float around on for a bit.
And here I am… ready for another cup of coffee… a jolt from my shiny new purple inhaler… and maybe some toast for breakfast. On to face the day… and try to make up for the time, at work, that fighting to breathe has cost me.
Love and Light