So, the governor of Ohio has declared a state of emergency. There are three confirmed cases of Coronavirus in Ohio (coincidentally, also in the county in which I live). This shit just suddenly got to be less academic for me … Continue reading
Spoon Shortage Sue & Spoonie Spaniel on Facebook started a really neat calendar full of ideas that you can use to enjoy your day… enjoy your month… just spend a little time enjoying. If you’re on Facebook, I highly recommend her page. She is very up beat but she keeps it real.
Today’s ‘task’ is ti sit in the garden and soak up some fresh air. While I have to admit that I’m spending extra spoons (sometimes many extra spoons) trying to keep up with this summer, this morning I’m doing just this. I am sitting in the not quite morning, listening to the birds, enjoying the quiet and it’s helping. I know I will wish I could have bottled this in about six hours when we are in the middle of Columbus zoo and I know I will probably regret not taking the extra time this morning to work on my book like I’m supposed to, but right now I’m enjoying Lemon Lavender Lane tea and just sitting.
Sometimes you just have to do the needful for yourself.
Love and Light
So… I’m sitting here drinking my medium iced coffee from Dunkin (thank you squirrel, it is extra yummy this morning) watching the rain cover the city. Hands are a little achy this morning, probably because of the weather. Not anything … Continue reading
So, sitting here watching the fog roll in and sneak through everything in the neighborhood, thinking about my past month. It’s infusion time again (well, tomorrow) and I have realized that it’s been a really really rough month. And, while … Continue reading
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So… I get a few different reactions when I post something about Sheetz. And… it’s funny… but… I guess it bears explaining. Technically, Sheetz is a convenience store and gas station (although, once upon a time, not all Sheetz’s had … Continue reading
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I’ve had all I can stands I can’t stands no more. There comes a point where being ‘nice’ and being patient is just highly over rated. There comes a point where it’s just frustrating and makes me feel like … Continue reading
So, the big day is over and I lived!!!
I turned 50. I spend a lot of time yesterday thinking about the last half century. I got some text messages that made me roll my eyes, I got some that made me smile. I got wished Happy Birthday on Facebook from many people. I got to touch base with people who have made me smile for years. It was a good day.
I think one of the best things that I heard, yesterday, was that people where I work now actually were trying to plan on trashing my cube. I’ve never been one of the popular kids, and that meant a lot. It meant that I have found a group of people that I fit in with.
The snow was maybe a little overkill. Everyone was getting used to Spring weather and it was a small dose of reality that it’s still reasonably early spring and we can still get snow. We can still get accumulation. I’m thinking (given that it is in the 20s this morning) I might need a heavier jacket today… or I might just tough it out on my morning walk and wear my lighter jacket since it is going to be almost 50 by the time I can (maybe) come home from work. Getting closer to go live, working from home is harder and harder. Too freaking many meetings.
Taking stock… my Ra is… eh. This morning my fingers are a little achey. My knees have been a little on the bitchy side. But my infusions are still working. And even when I am late, even when I am very late, to get my orencia, it still works and works reasonably well. I’m not thrilled that I had to push my infusion by a week to go to Brazil again and that my next two infusions are going to mean 5 weeks instead of 4 weeks, each. But I have a taper pack of prednisone that should see me through a flare if it happens.
And this weekend, I’m planning on a long training walk (if I accidentally don’t have to work) to get ready for the race in June.
I’ve seen a lot in 50 years. I’ve learned a lot. I’ve learned that too many 60 hour weeks in a row are exhausting. I’ve learned that there are a lot of people like me. I’ve learned that people are people and some people aren’t very nice but the not very nice doesn’t have anything to do with where they are from or who they love. It has everything to do with the fact that they are not very nice.
I’ve learned that my dog is a pig, my cat is an attention whore, and coffee at 4 am can solve many of life’s lesser issues. Ice Cream Cake can solve just one or two more.
Now… for the next 50 years… what kind of trouble can I get in to???
Updated by April Wells
Update Date April 24, 2015
So… Herman is noisily drinking water (sometimes I wish a cat would drink as quietly as a horse does) from the dish, Peanut is hunting stray food that might have hidden itself somewhere (even though we all know it hasn’t) and the world, otherwise, is disturbingly quiet.
It’s Labor Day in the US. A Monday holiday. The beginning of what everything thinks of as fall even though it’s really not.
Today is a fair day. Canfield Fair. I haven’t been there since my ‘little boy’ was a little boy. Today is going to be an awesome day and a very hard day for me. I miss him a lot. I will miss him a lot today. I’m really proud of him for the path he is walking, but sometimes I wish that path was a little nearer. When we were last at the fair, he was lifted high by Tony The Tiger and rode in a stroller. Nothing like the 6 foot tall young man who stands on his own two feet.
His path is overgrown in places, in places the brambles have crowded so near that they bite deep into his body and his soul. But it is a shaded path. Cool and tree lined with just a wee bit of the rain to nurture his soul. And he walks it hand in hand with his love. Two roads diverged in a yellow wood….
It’s been a good weekend. It’s been a hard weekend.
I’m looking forward to today. Root Beer and laughter. I will take a little extra napproxin because I can feel the weeks rolling by towards infusion day. And I will carry an extra class ring with me…. because it helps.
Okay, There comes a point where I have to remember to shut up and listen. I know I realize this periodically. Life has been reminding me of that quite a bit lately.
This morning, I sat waiting for the lift bridge and for not one but two freighters to go through the Cuyahoga river. I realized that I live in a city replete with lift bridges and drawbridges… and with a river like this there comes the necessity of occasional pauses in the day’s hurry scurry, helter skelter bull…$%^&… There are times where a pause is just a pause and the pause is exactly what is needed. Time enough to watch the smoke stacks of the boats make the bend… to hear the birds and the metal on metal screech whine toot of the trains… to see the bright yellow canary in a bright yellow flower… to take a slow deep breath (or twenty or thirty) and relax. Was I late? Yep. Was it all good? Yep.
It’s funny… I had just gotten off the phone with my mom when I got stuck in traffic. We were talking about being where you need to be… where you are supposed to be… and… thoink… duh…
I was hired at US Steel because Ida Flynn told me that I was GOING to go test for the Internship at US Steel the ONLY semester I could actually qualify the ONLY week I could actually test (given that we went on vacation) in a college career that was end to end in 2 years and 4 months. Yes it is possible. Yes, I regret not doing it slower because my QPA would have been better. I swore I would never work in a big city. I worked in downtown Pittsburgh. I was department lead for the Y2K project with 12 contractors and I had an incredible implementation. It was such a good job that I was “rewarded” with being transferred to the iron range of Norther Minnesota. Which is beautiful and where I saw eagles and heard loons and I watched the northern lights.
I was told when I left US Steel that I would regret it. I don’t. It’s ironic.. .the boats that fascinate the crap out of me now are the ones that left the port of Duluth carrying Ore… the pellets we made that came from the dirt we blew up. I don’t regret it. I miss the northern lights and listening to the lakes freeze in November, but I don’t regret either going to MN or moving from MN. I learned how to be an Oracle DBA in Mt Iron and that backup and recovery are the most important parts of the job.
I left there for Amarillo. SMALL company… friendly town. I was hired as a DBA despite having no REAL DBA experience, because I was trainable. Turns out Trisha was right. I am trainable. I learned to be a good DBA and I learned (in 900 hours in 3 months) to be an Apps DBA. It meant I lived my dream of publishing a book and it laid the groundwork for the next steps. The company was acquired by a huge company in Chicago and I went looking for not Chicago.
Poof… Austin… BAD company to start out with… then Oracle… then another company where I lost myself. Where I learned that I have the ability despite RA to bust a move and walk a half marathon or four. My first I hurt so bad I almost quit yards from the finish line. My second, my son medaled me despite the flu. My third bear and squirrel girl did with me… and I thought I was going to not make it… and I walked in with my son and (even though I still don’t think I’m anything special) I became his hero. And because I understood what forever conditions mean, I was able to cope when my daughter got Epilepsy, when my son got epilepsy and when my son got Sjogrens… and when friends ended up with RA, I was able to be there, to tell them that it is not the end of all normal and to get their butts into the doctors. It took some time for me to get my head around the fact that Autism isn’t the end of normal, it is just a different normal and that sometimes when you get answers to all of the hard questions in your life you can take a deep breath and relax and be your own beautiful self. I’m incredibly proud of my little boy who just took a deep breath and became himself.
And now, here I am. Because I was incredibly frustrated with being told how worthless I was I started looking for elsewhere to be. Because I was scared that the 412 area code on my phone meant that something was wrong with the family I answered the call… and despite not believing that I was in any way qualified I took the chance. Despite getting horribly mixed up in the first phone screen with contact information, I made it through that. Despite feeling like I blew it by not knowing current technology in my first technical screen, I made it through. Despite throwing up all over town my all day interview went remarkably well. And despite being terrified of leaving my baby behind in Texas and moving half way back across the country and not knowing if I would let myself and my family down, here I am. I am in the Cleveland Clinic medical system. I am back near “home”. I have found a house that was waiting for me. I am settling into a job that I really enjoy.
I am where I need to be to help family understand. I am where I need to be to allow my little girl to find her wings and to allow my little boy find his feet and his wings. I’m so very proud of my babies.
Looking back… looking around… looking at everything… I realize that I am right where I am meant to be. everything is working exactly as it should. My job is to breathe… to be kind to myself and to quietly do the needful.
I love you mom… I’m listening…
Okay… so… sitting here drinking Oprah Chai with a little cone of incense burning. Dog and cat resting from the latest chew the wump game. I’m thinking back over the past 7 months… over the past 7 years… over the past few weeks… and over a conversation that I had over listening to the advice I give to people.
I sit here and realize that I had allowed the messages that I was getting from the person I used to report to to get into my head and eat away at my brain. It’s hard to believe in your own abilities when you get glowing performance reviews and then face a one on one telling you that you probably don’t have what it takes to be a productive member of the team… that you are actually (despite your reviews) probably going to be better off looking for a different job (which I did and I’m very VERY happy I did) because you just really don’t have what it takes and everyone hates working with you anyway.
I keep trying to shake the cobwebs out and every once in a while they creep back in. This morning I was thinking about the conversation (the one on one where I was summarily told how much I lack) and realize it has been a while since I have thought about it. That is has been a while since I’ve cared. And I realized I don’t care. Does it still sting that every goal that was set for me was snatched from be by the man sitting across the desk because the task was fun and he was bored in his manager role? Yeah. Because I like learning and having an effect… making a difference… but… I don’t have to take on his lameness as my own.
A few minutes ago, my cousin posted on her wall… Half a Century… Hear me roar… it’s her 50th birthday today. And I realized… that… 🙂 I really need to hear my own voice, to listen to the messages that I tout (they are not diatribes, they are not empty messages, sometimes you just have to take the time to shut up and listen to yourself).
It’s the start of a brand new day, a new week… the first day of forever.
Hear me roar…