It’s been a hard stretch

I woke up this morning (early, thanks to some puppy doodle having to go out NOW NOW NOW) to rain on the leaves outside my window and a chilly house.  All in all, not a bad way to wake up.

I let the dog out to do her ‘doody’ and settled in to try to go back to sleep.  It wasn’t early enough that REALLY sleeping was an option and I was kind of worried that if I dozed off I wouldn’t wake up in time to get ready for work.  So… I started to read and think and realize that I have not actually written anything in the entire month of September.

This is not good.  This is very not good.

September has been a really really hard month.  There have been many changed around the household and my body has not been happy with me and work has been less than good to me… and I haven’t taken the time to just center and be with myself and do what I need to do for me.

So here I am.  My alarm should go off in about 30 minutes.  I’m sitting at my desk and the windows are thrown open wide.  The rain is still dancing in the leaves and I’m enjoying this morning’s coffee (okay, TECHNICALLY I’m enjoying what is left from yesterday’s coffee… but we won’t go there).

I’ve been fighting with my body for a couple months now.  I’ve had blisters in my mouth that WOULD NOT heal.  The physician’s assistant kind of fluffed me off a bit and said if it gets too painful or bothersome we will look at addressing it… blah blah blah.  Skin was coming off my cheek and gums in chunks, my gums were bleeding where enough layers of skin came off that it was that raw, and anything with salt or tomatoes would make me cringe.  I FINALLY got an appointment with my actual doctor (after only 11 months) and she took one look and said that I need to get off of methotrexate and take megadoses of folic acid until this gets fully cleared up.  After 2 weeks of pretty hefty doses of folic acid, I’m looking at starting the replacement drug (Leflunomide).  I’ve been reading up on the side effects of that and I’m not incredibly excited to start taking it.  I may try to see what my body does with just the biologics and if I can tough out the aches in my hands that have started to be a more constant companion again. We shall see.

Work has been being a bit on the stressful side.  I dislike being talked to like I have the IQ of a small hamster and even more I dislike being tossed under every passing bus that comes along.  I keep trying to convince myself that it really isn’t the  way it seems but… I think it might be.  I don’t like that it is effecting my attitude… I don’t like feeling like I just don’t care any more what happens… that I should just do the bare minimum to get by and not actually give a damn.  I know it is getting to me when I can’t even get through the day on humor.

Squirrel is having knee surgery on Tuesday.  She’s currently happy they are going to be dealing with the pain, relieved that a doctor isn’t just giving her platitudes, and scared of the surgery.  She’s also irritated that she is going to have to miss a significant chunk of school, which will push her graduation date by several weeks. Skinny butt son of mine just got his first car and he is starting to drive for Uber… he is driving himself and his fiance to school now, so for the next couple weeks, my commute will be solo.

And it is finally fall. It’s 55 degrees in the chill breeze coming through my window.  The rain is going to fall all day.  The high is supposed to get to 66.  I’m wrapped in a shawl (one of my heavier ones is feeling good today) and I’m starting to think it is time to really start working at training for the Santa Hustle that will be coming early December.

And here I am… sitting in the darkness, in the silence, listening to the rain and finally finding the small quiet time that I can call my own.

Love and light all
have a beautiful day

author: April Wells
published: 9/30/16

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