Dear IF… November 29, 2017
My braid is running down my back, it feels comforting. I need comforting this morning. I’m totally not sure what is going on… Been taking my welbutrin but today is just a totally falling apart kind of day. Not handling this so well…
This morning I wore my Figment Wings hat to work. I got some looks. I got some great comments. My hat makes me smile. We took Peanut walkies last night (Squirrel wanted to go to BigLots for bandaids) and bear wore his Epcot hat that I bought him and it made me smile. It was very windy but unseasonably warm for November. Bear did 6 miles at lunch time and the walk to BigLots was probably a bit much… It was nice to get the text message that Bear
I’m struggling, today, IF, with wondering why me. I am realizing more and more that it’s not why me but why not me but my heart is still heavy because knowing things is one thing and needing to know the things you know is entirely different. I hate knowing that the knowledge that I have is important to other people because it means that they are following in places I’ve had to walk.
If I could take it away, I would. If I could make it all be mine, on me, I would. I wish I could. I hate the idea of Bear hurting… of Bear scared and feeling shitty. I hate the idea of Squirrel dealing with my shit her whole life. I hate the idea of Adam getting worse (since he won’t seem to remember to fight it at all). I hate that mom hurts. I hate that my step dad is facing the trials that he’s going to be starting in a few days. I hate it with all of my being.
I walk my walk. It’s the walk I need to walk…
Love and Light