When the Aloneness is Overwhelming

Last night’s coffee for breakfast.  The windows are wide open because the nights are cooler for a bit.  The cat is a bit on the demanding side but the purrs are nice.

Yesterday’s training run was 9 miles to the gym and 4 miles at the gym with Bear.  I have been picking new routes to do my long ‘runs’ to keep it from getting boring and to make my mind work in different ways.  Sometimes that works to my advantage.  Sometimes not so much.  There are an awful lot of places that have very narrow “shoulders” (measured in centimeters or inches at best) and people don’t have sidewalks.  My options then are getting hit or cutting through yards.  I’m sorry if your was a yard I used, but it beat the alternative.

I usually don’t mind mornings like this.  Quiet.  Gentle.  Monday’s are my recovery day from long Sunday training.  That’s even more important this week because Sunday is my Rock n Roll Hall of Fame 10k.  This morning the quiet is oppressive.

Yesterday was a bad day at the gym for Bear.  Hot on the tail of a not great Saturday at the gym.   He was so depressed when he left the gym yesterday that it was scary.  Days like this weekend are times when I worry that he will give up.  They are times when he threatens to give up.  I’m hoping that tomorrow at therapy he does better on the treadmill.  He’s been doing better on the treadmill.  I’m going to have to start taking an extra O2 bottle and trying to get him to bump his oxygen up to 3 where it is supposed to be instead of the 2.5 he’s been doing to make the gym go in just 2 bottles.  He does better at therapy because he is on the 3 that he was prescribed.

I have so many question.  So many not answers.  I’m so glad that he has people he can ask questions to/of at therapy…. people who also have IPF… but sometimes I wish I had the counterpart to ask questions of.  I wish there was someone who is going through this or who has gone through this that I could talk to.

If wishes were horses

Wish in one hand and shit in the other

Sometimes the quiet and the no one who understands is just amazingly lonely.

I should have gone for a run this morning.  Running makes the endorphins flow and chases away the aloneness because I have the deer and the birds and (on Thursdays) the raccoons.

Today feels a lot like it is going to be a Debbie Downer kind of day… and Eeyore kind of day.

Love and Light
April
8/12/2018