When you finally stop giving a d@*& what people think

So, I figure I will get some (a lot) of grief for the picture I added to the post. It’s almost Halloween. I can hear the words running through people’s heads.

Buying into the commercialism

Not taking holidays in order

What about freaking Thanksgiving.

Know what… I really don’t care what you think. Honest. I really really don’t.

Know what else? It feels really really good to not give a damn. Stress has been kicking my ass a lot lately. I feel a lot like I’m melting down inside and I don’t even have the luxury of being able to do it externally. It’s not doing my hands/wrists/back/knees/weight/mind any good at all.

Yesterday I spent the WHOLE freaking day beating myself up because I had to pay for the second month in a row for my Weight Watchers lifetime you’re too heavy fee.

I’m tired

I hurt

I really really really need to be better at making sure I take my meds.

And you know what I did?

Yesterday I dressed my dogs up for Halloween, I took them to TWO different puppy stores for free pictures. My English Bulldog rescue (MY boy) won a $5 gift card for best dressed (he was Pikachu) at PetSmart. We got a crap ton of free dog treats. I got a sign for my front yard that says dogs can trick or treat here. I reveled in being around other weirdos who brought their dogs for the festivities. My dogs reveled in the attention.

Then we went to BJ’s (big box store) and they have (no shock here) Christmas stuff and Halloween stuff up for sale. They had a gorgeous birch tree that I was going to get but it was 6 feet tall and it would totally not fit where I needed it to go. So I bought the 4.5 foot LED lighted Christmas tree. The “Joy Tree” that I’ve been using for almost a year is… not stable. I jammed it in cement but it didn’t set right and it leans badly. I’ve been tying it up so it would stay semi-vertical on my desk. But I’m getting so many things that matter SO Much to me on my desk and on my tree that I just can’t take the chance. So I bought the kind of over priced tree. Yes, I bought it and brought it home and sat it up and started to transfer stuff from my old one to my new one.

I turned on Sirius radio this morning (yes, Hallmark Christmas music) because my heart has been so troubled… so heavy… and I finished transferring the ornaments. It’s in my window lit. I know the neighbors can see it. I don’t care.

Ever since my friend in Middletown PA introduced me to her happiness tree (looks a lot like the birch) I have known I need to do this. No one’s opinion on this actually much matters to me. Bear is good with it. My kids are okay with it. No one else really much matters.

It has things I have accumulated that make my heart feel better. I’m putting as many “Joy” ornaments on it as I can. Okay so far there are two but I’m working on it. I would love to get as many of them as I can because 1… I was a joy to have in April and that makes me love my middle name and 2… I need as much joy in my life as I can cram in. I have a “Joy” coffee cup squirreled away in my cart on Amazon right now… maybe payday… I have “Goofy” stuff because Bear is my Goofy…. I have dog stuff. I have Disney stuff. I have a rock I found that has a hole in it. I have driftwood. I have the last Fright Lane key that we had before Bear got sick. I have Santa keys… Angels… Bear’s Magic band from February’s trip to WDW. It’s just got stuff on it that makes me happy and makes me cry and it’s just mine.

I am going to have to buy a box to turn it off and on because it doesn’t really need to be on all night and day but I love having it on to wake up to.

There comes a point in life where you just don’t care what other people think…. or maybe when just what you think matters more to you than what other people think…

This isn’t going to make my knees/hands/whatever feel less shitty but it might make my heart a little lighter all the way around.

Love and Light
April Joy
10/27/2019