Lost…

I have been SO lost.

I’ve been really really lost for the past three and a half weeks… but I’ve been lost longer than that. I’ve been lost since we got the diagnosis that he had IPF and that it is terminal and that three to five years were all that he had… that, if he lasted through to IPF to when it takes over your lungs he would suffer. He would struggle to pull in every single breath.

For years he apologized for having to leave me too soon. For years he fights. He tried.

Watching the decline… I was lost. I lost the future and slowly I lost the now. I missed biking together. I missed walking together even when we were only walking slower and slower and having to stop every block or so. I miss pushing the chair.

I lost the memories we could have made.

I lost the memories we should have made.

And now I lost everything.

My heart hurts.

Today, I found just a little bit. This morning I wrote my letter to Bear… it was still early when I finished. I wrote out the grief and the pain of putting up the Christmas decorations. I listened to the wind chimes that sang to me while I was alone with what I needed to be doing. Once I finished… It struck me that I needed to walk. Grabbed my head lamp… my hoody and my flip belt. I went for my walk… I went out and I felt less lost… I felt okay for the first time (for at least half an hour) in over three weeks.

Disney Christmas music… I felt, a few times, like running. I ran. I ran for the first time… really ran for the first time in over a year. I hadn’t run for a long time and I couldn’t run far or fast but I ran and it felt wonderful.

I’m still lost.

But maybe I’m starting to figure out how to find myself.

Love and Light
AprilJoy
11/10/2020