Tag Archives: grief


Getting a Tattoo

Getting a tattoo is not something I EVER thought I would do. For starters, Bear was kind of against anyone getting a tattoo (but he was in the navy in the 60s and tattoos were a little… frowned upon?). He … Continue reading



I have been SO lost. I’ve been really really lost for the past three and a half weeks… but I’ve been lost longer than that. I’ve been lost since we got the diagnosis that he had IPF and that it … Continue reading


Sometimes too many coincidences aren’t coincidences

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October is my favorite month of the year. This year… October has colossally sucked. It has also been one of the hugest blessings that has ever come into my life. I will never be able to move from this house. … Continue reading

Grief Chokes

Greetings and felicitations

This morning, I’m having a huge problem getting through my morning. While we were at Disney World, our beloved Peanut passed and now waits at the rainbow bridge.

It was out of nowhere

it was not completely unexpected

We bought her four incredible years with her emergency Bladder Stone surgeries two consecutive March’s. But she was on special food to keep her functioning the best she could. There were no nummy white bits.

She had arthritis. She took carprofin twice a day every day for the last few years.

She was nearly blind with cataracts.

She was 12.

We made sure that she knew she was loved beyond belief and that she was a good girl. I know she was not alone when she crossed the rainbow bridge. The Vet Tech’s that loved her almost as much as we did were with her from the time that they realized that she was in complete renal failure. They worked hard to keep her body going until we got home from Disney. Six days was going to be a long long time. She fought a good fight. But she died on Feb 22 at 10:56 am. I got the call while we were in the Lion King show at Animal Kingdom.

I will never forget where I was when I got the call from the vet that she was in renal failure. I will never forget where I was when I learned that she died.

I get the lessons (at least part of the lessons) that I’m supposed to be learning here. I’m learning how to cope with grief. I’m learning how to cope with grief so deep that it chokes. I get it… sort of.

This morning is so hard.

I hear her nails click on the kitchen floor. I hear her sigh. I hear the thump of her fat butt coming down the stairs. I look to make sure that I don’t step out of bed and step on her when I get up.

We had her cremated. Her box is sitting on my writing desk. Her urn is beneath my computer. I have ashes in a necklace that I wear.

We rescued a Mountain Cur mix when we got home from Disney. He gives me something to fixate on. He is my early morning walking/running buddy. He will help keep me from gaining the weight back. Goofy is a good boy. He’s an enormous puppy (40 pounds at about 5 months old) and he’s working to learn how to live in this crazy household. He’s a good boy. But the void left by Peanut is massive.

Squirrel worries that Peanut will think we are trying to replace her. I talk to her every day. I know she still knows she is loved. I know that she knows that there is no replacing her in our hearts.

Miss you wiggle pig
love and light
March 10, 2019