Feeling Lost and Alone

Sitting here… trying hard to focus on work. Trying to stay buried in not thinking. I’ve been working so hard at not thinking… if I don’t think I don’t feel so empty… so alone… but that only carries you so far. And when you are suddenly faced with holy crap all you can do is think.

So here I am. Back to my own reality… hot on the tail of being 57… damn…

I’ve been having a weird lymph node issue going on. Stupid me fessed up to being on antibiotics when I was SUPPOSED to get my March infusion. Yeah… that didn’t happen. Wait until antibiotics are done. Wait until lymph node is back to normal. Four weeks later, Eight weeks from my last infusion… I’m sitting here looking at the results of yesterday’s CT scan.

Any other time I have to wait an eternity for the doctor who ordered it to release the results. When I get a stupid mammogram I wait for days for the negative results.

Bear’s ENT did my lymph node biopsy on Monday.

THAT result will apparently take some time.

Thursday… CT scan with contrast. Test was 11:15. MyChart came back with the results (me before the Dr) by 1:30. Lymph node is a lymph node. Nothing horribly remarkable in it. But… apparently there was a finding (an actionable finding) on my thyroid. There are multiple nodules, the largest is in the left node and is 1.1 cm. Low-attenuation nodules.

I have a follow up appointment April 14th. Two weeks. Two weeks of questions. Two weeks of fear. Two long weeks. Sat alone in the office for the biopsy thinking how much I miss having him here to talk to, support, stupid jokes… Silence stretches for freaking ever.

And, here I sit… Dr Google giving me the next best thing to nothing constructive (positive or negative) to grab on to. It tells me it could be nothing or it could be something and I might be stuck waiting and seeing or I might be doing something whenever someone gets around to letting me know what actionable means.

I don’t know if I will have the results before the 14th.

I keep trying to fill the days with noise (not just snoring dogs… actual noise)… to keep me from thinking. It doesn’t work.

Lymph node is still the size of a blueberry.

No good drugs since February…

My hands are feeling it. My shoulder is bitchy this morning. I want to take my Arava. I want to lie and sneak into an orencia infusion. TECHNICALLY I’m not on antibiotics. The caveat was that I needed the lymph node down to normal too, though. So, today… Turmeric tea… maybe turmeric coffee, too after yesterday’s pot is emptied.

I guess learning about natural stuff like turmeric is a good thing… Hate taking napproxen to keep functional. If I can gag down turmeric coffee black it will maybe help…

Monkey Butt keeps telling me that he is glad that I’m not thinking ‘end of the world’ only ‘I may get really sick for a little while’. I’m really not thinking end of the world. If it is cancer… I will do what I have to do. I promised Bear to fight as long and as hard as I can.

Shrink appointment was… stupid. I am paying someone to chat with me. I was hoping for coping skills for the new stress. I got platitudes. Stress is struggle. Stress is suffering. What can you learn from this? What can I learn? I can learn that I’m scared. I can learn that I can google and read peoples’ posts and still not know anything and I’m still scared.

Time for work (well… almost… sort of… still early but, yeah…)

Love and Light
ajw