I don’t think it’s strong… I think it is too stubborn to give up.

It’s been another not so great day.

The weekend, on the whole, wasn’t horrible.  The 10 MTX did hit me hard but it wasn’t totally unexpected and a little extra nappy poo helped.  Tea helped.  Hot bath helped.  It wasn’t a bad day.  And it came after a wonderful walk (Bear, Squirrel and I) down to Sally’s Beauty Supply for 2 pair of purple and silver earrings on Friday afternoon (9 miles round trip) and KFC (loved the grilled chicken and we brought home wings for skinny butt boy who was sleeping WAY in!

Walk, yesterday, may have helped too, but it was 39 degrees most of the day and windy and rainy and yukky.

Today was the reality check, hey don’t think you have a handle on life yet… I know that you can handle just a little bit more.

Today was another seizure day for squirrel.  I found out that it is not uncommon for a seizure to bring on a Migraine complete with vomiting and visual disturbances.  I found out that I will never mistake the sound of a seizure any more than the sight.  I found out that life can always throw just a little more at you and you can probably take it.

I got an email from someone who reads my epilepsy blog who said I’m strong.  I have heard before I’m strong.  I don’t like being strong… and I don’t think of it as being strong.  I think I’m just too stubborn (Deniker Stubborn) to give in or give up.  People who think of me as strong have not seen me curled up, covered from head to toe, clinging to my stuffed teddy bear for dear life trying not to let the kids know how scared I am , how worried I am, how much I physically hurt.

Today, added to the achey-ness and the worried-ness I have the frustration that I can’t fix this.  People at places I have worked can often attest that I don’t like to not be able to fix things.  This is something that I want desperately to fix (Squirrel’s epilepsy) that I just can’t fix.  I can be her advocate.  I can protect her the best I can.  I can help her deal and help her adapt and help her adjust but I can’t make this better.  I can’t make this boo boo go away with a kiss and a hug.  This (her epilepsy and my RA) is a forever thing and we can force it to listen to us eventually with meds but it is something that will be here forever.  For me, it isn’t so SO bad… I’m old enough that forever isn’t so long.  Her forever is (God willing) a lot longer.


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