The life before this one

I’ve been cleaning.  I’m not quite half way done with the task and I’ve been at it all weekend… but it has been an almost fun adventure.  The cleaning has been interspersed with preparations for the upcoming school year (tomorrow both my babies are going to college… They aren’t babies any more.

Part of cleaning has been looking through papers and some journals and stuff and I spent more time than I should have reading through some of the kids’ old school papers and my old writing and journals… and I was pleasantly surprised and very shocked at some of what I wrote.

I had forgotten how bad it hurt and how I reacted to the hurt when it hurt really bad, before I got around to going to the doctor… back when I was “just running too much”…  back when I was “looking for attention”… back when I was typing too much and writing too much and doing too much and just didn’t want to feel better…

The pain in my feet that made it impossible to spend an entire day in the parks at Disney World (thus pissing people off because we spent money to go there and I was just not wanting to spend time together there)… the pain that meant I almost crawled from the parking lot to the hotel room… that no amount of soaking or tylenol would make go away.

The thoughts of wishing I could just cut off my feet so they wouldn’t hurt so badly.  The pictures of giant shards of glass being in my feet making them hurt so bad but glass would have hurt in one spot and there was NO spot on my feet that didn’t scream in pain… a pain that was bright blinding yellow and that turned our last Disney trip gray and painful to my feet and my heart and my brain.  I want so badly to go back to enjoy the parks again.

I wonder if that is so much why I want to go do the Disney Half to prove to myself that I can do a day in the parks again and to prove that I can do this (prove it to myself). Prove that I am not so lame that I am the biggest Debby Downer in the parks… And I know that somehow no one can really understand that…

An amazing young man pointed out to me that pain changes people.. and he’s right… it does, but it can help change you in many different ways…


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