Morning in week 6

imageSo, here I am… it’s quiet and it’s dark and inside I’m screaming.  I’m tired and I hurt.

This morning I caved and decided to take napproxin.  I have been gritting my teeth for days and I’m getting to where I just can’t take the pain.  I am still not healthy enough for my infusion.  I’m determined that in two weeks when I’m scheduled for the next one, I’m going no matter how horrible I feel.  I will not be on antibiotics and I will go.  I intend to take my methotrexate this weekend.  I hope my resolve holds out.  As much as I hurt, I’m terrified that, if I take it, the infection will come back and I will be worse again.

In taking my napproxin, I realized that the drug store is stupid.  My antibiotics had a not childproof lid.  My pain pills… what I take when I can’t take the pain any more… those have a lid that I struggle with on a good day.  How messed up is that?  And no matter how many times I sign the stupid paper at CVS, I still can’t seem to get my prescriptions with anything but childproof unless it comes in the pre-filled bottle that way (the antibiotics did).  I guess it is too much trouble to unbottle and rebottle those ones just to make it difficult.

I’ve learned that stress makes me exhausted and hurt even worse.   There has to be some irony somewhere that you just can’t escape stress.  And the feedback loop seems to be endless.  When I’m under stress, I hurt worse… and I get short tempered and depressed and it adds to my stress… and I hurt worse…

This morning, with the drugs, I also took 10 minutes of meditation.  I hid in the bathroom from the animals and I left the light off so I couldn’t be tempted to look at their paws under the door and laugh and be distracted.

I don’t think it helped this morning, because even after the meditation, I sat here in my office watching out and hoping to see the deer and crying uncontrollably.

I’m the strong one.  I’m the one who has to keep it all together because that is my job.  And in all things right now, I am an utter failure.



One response to “Morning in week 6

  1. Maybe, it is time to talk to your doctor about bringing out some bigger guns for moments like these. Something a little more stronger than Naproxen, which even doubling the OTC amount to make it a prescription strength, never did anything for me.

    It’s way too easy to slip into a funk, or depression when you are sick and on the sidelines longer than what you think you ought to be, or longer than you are used to. Those feelings of guilt over what we should be doing plays head games with us and often leaves us feeling sad, lonely, depressed, scared, anxious, and angry (just to mention a few).

    If you try to suck it up, it hurts, and you end up worse off than what you were if you would have just spent the day taking it easy. But if you don’t move, your joints lock up and you feel stiff and hurt when you finally do move off the couch.

    It’s a horrible circle to be involved in. But, if you can break the cycle (by using something stronger to beat back the pain, you should be able to move with a little more ease. As you move and re-enter the land of the living, you feel better about yourself and your situation, and most of the negative feelings leave you alone.

    Nobody is saying take the strong stuff every day, but at least ask about it, so you know if it’s an option, so you CAN use it during these times.

    I use narcotic pain medication. If I didn’t, I would be unable to do all the things I do every day- and you know my schedule… I shudder to think where I’d be mentally, if it weren’t for the pain medication.

    Gentle hugs, my friend.

    Oh… and shut up about being a failure. You are NOT a failure. Repeat that to yourself a hundred times today while looking at yourself in the mirror. And don’t make me drive out there… 😛

    Liked by 1 person

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