This morning I caved and decided to take napproxin. I have been gritting my teeth for days and I’m getting to where I just can’t take the pain. I am still not healthy enough for my infusion. I’m determined that in two weeks when I’m scheduled for the next one, I’m going no matter how horrible I feel. I will not be on antibiotics and I will go. I intend to take my methotrexate this weekend. I hope my resolve holds out. As much as I hurt, I’m terrified that, if I take it, the infection will come back and I will be worse again.
In taking my napproxin, I realized that the drug store is stupid. My antibiotics had a not childproof lid. My pain pills… what I take when I can’t take the pain any more… those have a lid that I struggle with on a good day. How messed up is that? And no matter how many times I sign the stupid paper at CVS, I still can’t seem to get my prescriptions with anything but childproof unless it comes in the pre-filled bottle that way (the antibiotics did). I guess it is too much trouble to unbottle and rebottle those ones just to make it difficult.
I’ve learned that stress makes me exhausted and hurt even worse. There has to be some irony somewhere that you just can’t escape stress. And the feedback loop seems to be endless. When I’m under stress, I hurt worse… and I get short tempered and depressed and it adds to my stress… and I hurt worse…
This morning, with the drugs, I also took 10 minutes of meditation. I hid in the bathroom from the animals and I left the light off so I couldn’t be tempted to look at their paws under the door and laugh and be distracted.
I don’t think it helped this morning, because even after the meditation, I sat here in my office watching out and hoping to see the deer and crying uncontrollably.
I’m the strong one. I’m the one who has to keep it all together because that is my job. And in all things right now, I am an utter failure.