January

Good grief, it is already/only half over.  I’m exhausted this year by the sheer weight of January.  It’s been a long few weeks… but it is high time to start getting back to the me I need to be.

SO… status check…

I’m coming up on getting my infusion one week late next Wednesday.  I’m starting to feel it being late this morning.  My fingers aren’t working as happily on the keys as they should be. They aren’t as bad as I feared (stress usually pokes my body into getting very bitchy) but everything is starting to catch up to me. The stress isn’t going to go away any time soon.  In fact if what I read this morning is anything to go by, it is likely going to just creep up and get worse.  There is, however, drama that I’m not going to attend to.  It can carry on without me.  I have my own shit that I need to attend to.

I realized yesterday, as I was forced to actually pick up the phone and talk to people, that I am my kids’ mom (at the risk of sounding like Dr Laura and knowing full well that I always wanted to hit Dr Laura in the face with a pool noodle for her take on those words).  Work is forcing me to hone my very lacking people skills.  We are looking to hire a contractor to help out on my project and I’m having to be the one to contact the contracting companies to talk to them about the position.  I got into technology because it meant that I don’t actually have to do people and here I am having to do people and not just attend random meetings.  Much as that pushes the edges of my comfort zone, I’m finding the process kind of interesting and it will be good to have another set of hands to help out on some of the stuff.  Now… if I can just figure out how to let go and delegate, life will be amazing.

Bear’s bronchoscopy went well on Wednesday.  Cleveland Clinic is an incredible thing to watch.  The mass of humanity that is EVERYWHERE is an incredible thing.  It was demoralizing to find out that the pulmonologist knew that they were only 20% likely to get the biopsy that they were going after, given the location of the nodule and that all of the stress from the last couple weeks may or may not actually go away any time in the foreseeable future, but the procedure went remarkably well.  The lymph nodes are clear and small and perfect.  So, if the nodule IS anything, it hasn’t gone past just being in the nodule.  The surgeon thinks he may have gotten some cells to test but he isn’t sure.  Now we wait to see the lung guy in ANOTHER 2 weeks to see what we do next and what we do with the emphysema.  I could have done without at least one set of snarky remarks that I got AS WE WERE DRIVING HOME from the hospital, but I guess, all things considered, I expected about as much.

One final thing that I have discovered this week… the extreme power of words.  I guess that statement alone isn’t correct, because I’ve always known the power of words, but I didn’t really take in how big or far reaching the power could stretch.  Words connect or disconnect with such speed and clarity.  There can be so much misunderstanding created or so much understanding cleared.  I am reminded (sometimes gently and positively… sometimes less gently and with the force of a Louisville Slugger to the gut) what exactly words can do.  I am reminded and, more and more, I take the remembering to heart.  There are still days when the exhaustion gets the best of me and I just CAN NOT remember and I say things badly, but sometimes badly and with force is the only way some words can be delivered.  There are still days (several since the beginning of the year this year) where I have had to work at putting the thoughts to words and setting those words free to roam the great beyond, but those days too just serve to make me more cognizant of the power of words.

It has been, so far, a month of laughter and great contemplation.  And snow and cold, can’t forget the fact that we FINALLY got some snow and seasonably cold weather.  I am VERY happy that my body reacts positively to cold much more than it does to hot and humid.

What am I grateful for today… spellcheck… man am I grateful for spellcheck today!

I hope everyone has a marvelous weekend!!!

Author: April Wells
Published 1/15/2016