Don’t think. Don’t think. Don’t think. Just follow the program and it will work.
And it’s pretty much working.
I eat turkey, eggs and bananas.
It’s a life style.
Yes, it is. And I spend EVERY MINUTE of EVERY DAY that I’m not actively at work thinking about NOTHING but how many points I have used, how many points I have left, and how to not feel dizzy after 7 miles on the treadmill (I hate snow) when I can’t eat a PBJ and everyone tells me that kale has carbs and that is 0 points!!! Bananas do too. We have gotten 15 pounds of bananas a week since I started this. Yay. How much can I safely eat when I get home without going over on points. How can I make it through my entire Saturday (6 miles this week) and Sunday (7+ miles this week) and not eat so I don’t go over so I can make my doctor SHUT THE HELL UP.
I’m tracking what I eat on WW. I’m tracking what I eat (Exactly the same things) on My Fitness Pal. My Fitness Pal won’t let me close my days because I haven’t consumed enough calories with respect to my workout calories burned.
Yes it’s working if I blindly follow the plan and don’t eat ANY cake at the part for co-workers milestone anniversaries (a SLIVER of cake is an entire day’s points and I already SPLURGED on ONE WHOLE PIECE OF 15 grain bread, a TEASPOON of peanut butter and a TEASPOON of jelly so I could finish my run that morning. SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT… I can’t have cake, I ate a half a sandwich today….
I’m trying. I’m trying so hard. It’s working. I’m down 10 pounds (well 10 yesterday… only 9 today and I spent 10 minutes in the bathroom on the floor crying because I gained .8 pounds since yesterday… I don’t know what I did wrong yesterday… I even tracked the swallow of Pepsi I took from Bear’s bottle). My fingers are swelly and stiff this morning because of all the stupid weather changes… does inflammation mean more weight? If it does am I hopeless because of RA?
I’m falling apart over EIGHT TENTHS of a pound…. but… I gained weight… and that is bad.
The whole way to work yesterday morning I worried… what am I going to do when I get to MY goal weight? Will I just need to keep going to get to Doctor’s goal weight because I’m TERRIFIED of leaving WW and the strict guidelines on not being able to eat red meat or spaghetti or have ONE WHOLE BAGLE before my half marathon?
What is my Dr going to say when my cholesterol is through the roof because I’m eating a dozen or more eggs in a week because one cup of oatmeal has 20% of the points I can have in a day and that is if I DON’T put milk on it? I’m SO hungry for cheerios… but if I eat one cup of cheerios and add milk (no sugar) I have blown a QUARTER of my day’s points. I don’t want fish for breakfast. I’m sick of eggs.
What does maintenance look like? Losing weight looks like this… but if I eat more than my allotted points will I gain it back?
It’s not a diet. It’s not a diet. It’s not a diet.
Maybe I should have opted for meetings but I’m away from home too much as it is. I should have a coach probably. Someone who can walk me through the fact that I’m overthinking everything EVERYTHING and explain things to me.
Fitness points… DON’T EAT ANY OF THEM if you want to loose weight… eat some of them so you have fuel to run…. eat them you earned them….
Dr says I should try REALLY hard to ONLY eat 0 point foods. WW has so many YUMMY zero point foods I should try to only eat those. Since the anti depressant that I started taking to keep me from loosing my shit all the time didn’t cause me to loose weight (she picked the one she did because it usually causes people to loose weight and I need to loose weight…. loose loose loose loose loose…)
I’m tired of turkey and bananas.
Zero Point foods…. I can eat a 6 egg omelette with just onions and peppers… every day… according to the Dr… but… according to the people on the plan on the groups if I eat more than ONE egg (one…. one egg) I have to count the points but I can put 6 eggs into the app and come up with 0.
I know I’m running away from everything when I run. I get that. I really do get that. The endorphins help my day all the way around. I am not as apt to say stupid things on days when I run.
Now I’m starting to think more and more about running because if I run enough I will loose enough weight. If I run and run and run and run and eat only 0 point foods… maybe I will get thin enough. But after 5, 6, 7 miles I’m hungry. I’m hungry and light headed…. but….
I’m starting to worry about the way my thinking has changed in just the couple weeks I’ve been on the plan. All I EVER seem to think about now is food and how little of it I can eat to get by so I don’t run out of points. I know this isn’t healthy thinking. I KNOW it isn’t… logically…. mentally…. I KNOW it isn’t…but… And the thought actually crossed my mind in the cake meeting that I might be able to eat a ONE INCH piece of cake so people won’t think I’m a total and complete freak then run to the bathroom and throw it up and then maybe the points wouldn’t count and if they didn’t count I could fit in instead of being an even bigger freak……
And that’s why I worry.
I know that thinking the way I think makes me an epic failure.
I feel that .8 of a pound makes me a failure.
Yesterday I wore the belt that I got from Disney years ago (Rock-n-Rollercoaster gift shop… recycled rubber… seat belt buckles… pop lids… I know it isn’t meant for people my age but I don’t care) and that was incredibly awesome. I know I felt really good putting it on and being able to buckle it without it being too tight.
But can I sustain this until I make Dr happy?
I have deliberately not been writing because this is the way my mind has been being EVERY single day… and I hate hate hate feeling like Debbie Downer…
Love and Light