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Morning is my favorite time of the day… especially early morning when the world is quiet and I can sit with a whole cup of coffee and just be. The only thing demanding my attention is my dog and all … Continue reading
Yes, mother, occasionally I do shut up and listen! 🙂
and yes… this might JUST be one of those times.
I’m sitting here watching my movie copy to my phone (I know what I’m listening to today) and thinking. My fingers are kind of whining (It’s going to be a Tiger Balm kind of day, I can see it already) so I’ve been being gentle with them. The flu really kicked my butt and I’m trying to be gentle with myself in general. It’s not easy. I’m stubborn.
Over the weekend, I got my Royalty statement from Amazon. When I saw it, I rolled my eyes. My last one topped out at about… oh… a buck and a half. At the time I figured it was a fluke. People I knew, maybe, were being nice and coughing up the 99 cents for one of the essays I have out there. I filed it under “I get a new song” and left it at that.
To be fair, this one isn’t going to be a WHOLE lot more than that if it tops out at that much. But it made me stop, this time, and really look at it and think. The essays (I haven’t uploaded another one in a couple years) haven’t been publicized. I haven’t marketed them. They have just lain there, moldering in the the digital darkness growing dust, cobwebs and probably feeling lonely. And still a few people (not even a whole handful) found them, and bought them.
As the flu and lack of MTX have wreaked havoc on my hands the last couple of days (there has to be some irony there) I’ve thought about those facts and I’ve decided to shut up and listen.
I’m going to re-download the formatter for Kindle/iBooks/Epub (and re-download all of the garbage about the how-to’s and wherefore’s of publishing on different devices) and start putting a little more concerted effort into my writing. I’m not convinced I’m ever going to write the great American novel… but novel isn’t maybe where I’m supposed to be.
I’ve been thinking… and… I think it’s time I shut up and listen.
Now now now, calm down. It got your attention didn’t it?
This is the evolution of me. I’ve been thinking a lot about it this week.
I had a wonderful week off (exhausting, but good) with my son visiting in from Texas. He’s been quiet this week and I miss him. A mom worries even when her babies aren’t babies and it was so nice to talk to him just a week ago today.
Earlier this week, when I pulled into the parking lot for work, there was one of the massive ore freighters coming in the Cuyahoga river. The only sound she made as she eased through the water was a very low hum. She was graceful and huge and it made me smile. I remember the freighters in Duluth. I remember the pellet trains (and blowing up dirt) in Minnesota. I remember the parting words that someone gave me as I left the plant (and the company) in Minnesota.
He told me that some day I would look back and think what if. And during my walks to work, up the hill from parking… this week (15 years later) I really started to think about the what ifs.
I know what he meant. He meant with regret. And I have regrets in my life. However, I don’t look back on the last 15 years and the adventures I’ve had or that I’m having, necessarily, with regret.
I’m sitting at a desk I adore in a house I finally feel at home in listening to the sounds of everything and nothing stream through the open windows. I’ve tried to drink from my empty coffee cup about four times now. I sat on the porch a while and watched the sun creep up through the trees. I have a job I enjoy with people who I’m finally a team with.
If I hadn’t left US Steel, I would never have had the opportunity to learn so many of the things I’ve learned. I would not have made my way to Texas and met the people who I met (and some of whom I miss) there. I would not have seen what I’ve seen and I would never ever have been where I am right now.
Am I wear I pictured myself 15 years ago? Nope. Not even close. My goals have changed. My drive has changed. My outlook has changed. I’ve grown (in many ways) and I’ve stretched my wings far further than even I ever dreamed possible. My Brazilian business visa is in process and I’m starting to find my voice and my strengths and weaknesses and learn my way navigating my new(ish) job.
I have evolved.
Do I miss my kid? Yeah, an awful lot some days. Do I completely understand why he is in Texas and I’m in Ohio? Yep, completely. I wish Ohio and Texas were closer. I wish I could make life easier for both of my babies and that neither of them would have to be going through some of the stuff they go through. And I sit and drink my coffee and think about where I am and what I do and the lives that have touched mine and I smile (and try again to drink from my empty coffee cup… there has to be a metaphor there somewhere).
This weekend I’m tired. I’m tired, breathing sucks this morning, and I ache and I feel every bit of the two weeks late on my orencia infusion… and I’m SO looking forward to Wednesday when I can get my next obscenely expensive fix.
Has it been a week of thinking about what ifs? Yep. It sure has. But my Blue Jay is back and I’ve scared the piggy little squirrel out of my feeder again this morning. And I hear the hickory nuts thudding to the ground where the stupid squirrels are either harvesting them or knocking them down.
I am exactly where I am supposed to be today.
And just for shits and giggles, I googled the guy who told me I would look back and think what if. The meteoric rise to power that he foresaw in his own future I guess has come to pass. He’s in slovokia now. I wonder if his ex-wife and his cute kids and dog are happy back in their home town without him. He seems (if the company press releases are anything to go by) to have become a smashing success. And I guess I do wonder where I would be had I not left my first grown up job 15 years ago. And I’m PRETTY sure I don’t think I would have liked where I would have been.
Posted in reflection, rheumatoid arthritis
Tagged contemplation, evolution, looking back, what if
So… we are in the new house and it is starting to feel like home. I still have a good bit of cleaning to do, but it is feeling much more like we live here and not we have a maze of boxes. The new job is incredible! I’m having fun and learning and I’m being a productive part of the team. It makes me smile. I don’t always look forward to the drive in right now, but that is because the roads are sometimes kind of iffy not because of the job.
I realized it had been a month since I posted. Yesterday I was way busy with trying to get boxes unpacked and put away… so another day passed with no posting. But here I am. Alone in the dark, realizing how much my RA took a toll on me for the past month.
I don’t EVER want to go over two months without my meds again. I got my infusion on Thursday last week and it was almost 9 weeks between. Not good. Way not good. The last couple weeks it was all I could do to get up on the morning and get to feeling human. I was running on prednisone (not a good thing) and determination. By the time I got home from work every night all I wanted to do was take napproxin and sleep.
I was tired, short tempered, and I hurt. The day before my infusion hurt so badly that my fingers wouldn’t work when I told them to and my knee wouldn’t bear my weight for long (and my weight is starting to come down slowly!).
I’m glad I spent an hour on the phone with the insurance company. Goodness only knows how long I would have had to wait if I hadn’t pitched a fit.
But the infusion was Thursday. The infusion center at Cleveland Clinic is incredible. They give you graham crackers and juice and a TV and a blanket and you can have company while you are having your infusion. For me, given it is 30 or so minutes, the visitor part was kind of nice to have but not as important as if I had been one of the longer infusions.
The infusionists use a neat light to find the good veins to hit and it went really well. I still miss Keoto, but I think I will be able to do this. In July I will be able to start getting my infusions in my town rather than having to go clear into Cleveland to get them. I will probably try to do a work from home thing those days and save some time. It’s way better to have to drive 2 miles to the clinic and back than to take thirty minutes by bus or car and have to pay for parking. I’m starting to really like the city but I’m starting to really dislike parking again. Eh, it all comes out in the wash, I know. but if I can avoid the extra hassle I think it would be awesome.
And here I sit, alone in the darkness, my creatures at my feet… coffee and a shawl… missing my left behind son… and contemplating getting around to do my daughter’s hair (the thought of that doesn’t make me wince this morning either!) and getting my butt ready for work.
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