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The End Is Finally In Sight

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It’s Monday. I have coffee (yay) and quiet (also way yay). The dogs are being giant butts but they are happy and having fun so also a yay. I have been working on Bathroom Remodels since the beginning of the … Continue reading

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Keeping It Real

The cold has finally (maybe? maybe not) settled in for a bit. It has kind of pretended to snow. It was supposed to have melted by the overnight but it didn’t. Instead the rain on snow in the freaking cold … Continue reading

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A Week of “Vacation”

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It’s already the 12th. I have not been to work since about Christmas. My plants are likely not happy with me at all. I hope I haven’t killed them off completely. I took off so I could work on Palliative … Continue reading

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Happy New Year 2020

Today is the first page of my next 365 pages. Today, I start 2020 feeling like a failure. I know I’m not. I get it. I totally get it, but it’s the way I feel so it is in some … Continue reading

Grateful

It’s Thanksgiving again.

I’m sitting at the kitchen table, Hallmark Yule Log is on… Christmas music, dogs, pigs, cats and ducks are enjoying a toasty fire. It’s still way early. I’ve got a cup of hot coffee and four dogs by my side. It’s quiet… at least until they decide to start horseplaying with each other.

One of us is far away this year. He is being very missed.

Sunday was “Thanksgiving” in my house. We had 22 people around the table all enjoying each other’s company. Today will be ham and yams and stuffing and potatoes. Has to be early because squirrel girl works retail and has to be at work for 12 hours starting at 4 pm. Once upon a time it was a day to spend with family. Now it’s a day to spend.

There have been times over the past year when I have been terrified that we would not all make it to this time this year. There will be many more times that I am terrified that we won’t all make it to next year at this time.

It’s been an enlightening year.

I’ve discovered just how broken everyone is and just how each person’s brokenness can complete everyone else’s. I’ve learned that I’m not the only one who has been feeling so much less than adequate and I’ve been learning that it’s okay to open up even when you are terrified. Sometimes it’s hard to remember that people are just people.

I’ve discovered how much I can miss a soul that was a nearly constant companion for well over a decade. Peanut was such a precious little girl and I miss her scratching at the side of the bed when it was time to go outside. I miss her snuffling. I miss her so gentle nature. I get that she is no longer in pain and she can eat all of the nummy white bits that she wants at the other side of the rainbow bridge, but she still is missed and I still talk to her daily.

I’ve discovered how much I can love the cast offs, the misfits, the other beautiful souls that other people have discarded. Pain changes people. I think pain changes animals, too.

I have learned that depression and stress can have a hugely horrible effect on how much you care about what you do to yourself and how much care you take of yourself. I’ve learned that I need to find the time and the place in my day… in my whatever… to take care of myself because sometimes it is easy to forget that your why has to be bigger than your but.

I’ve found treasure in simple things. I guess maybe not entirely simple, but simpler. Pictures… coffee cups given just because… a hat that warms not only the head but the heart… surprise cards that come and bring happy tears… a set of dishes that came from their own adventures… a box of buttons…

I’m so grateful for today.

I’m grateful for all of the todays.

I’m scared of the tomorrows and what tomorrow may bring.

But for now, I have today. I have coffee. I have the wind and the heat and the music. I have love.

Love and Light
AprilJoy
11/28/2019

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Believe

There comes a time when everyone stops believing in something… or some things. There are things in which you just have to believe, no matter what. We went to Columbus Zoo to see their WildLights. It’s a thing we have … Continue reading

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When you realize just how much you over extended yourself

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Me time matters more than you can believe. Not us time. Not you time. Me time. Being able to take even just ten or fifteen minutes to not have to be “on” for anyone else anywhere on the planet. It … Continue reading

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When you finally stop giving a d@*& what people think

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So, I figure I will get some (a lot) of grief for the picture I added to the post. It’s almost Halloween. I can hear the words running through people’s heads. Buying into the commercialism Not taking holidays in order … Continue reading

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Akron Great Pumpkin Run Review… Just my race

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Yesterday was the Great Pumpkin Run in Akron. I have to say that, despite the fact that I absolutely hate the last (very stupidly pinched) half mile… it is one of my favorite local races. That said, yesterday’s was particularly … Continue reading

RA uses a weighted blanket

So, I had done quite a bit of research on weighted blankets. I toyed with the idea, for a while, or trying to make my own… but… yeah… maybe not so much.

Yesterday I spent most of the day trying to figure out how to cope with stress… anxiety… life… and I realized that I had read in the past about weighted blankets and how they can help in life.

I don’t know how much store I put in what articles say… but… I also know that my niece has one and loves it but is thinking she might be not quite heavy enough… and that she wants a heavier one. My sister is thinking about buying one. That speaks way more than simply googling it all up.

There are many studies that people with RA hurt more when they don’t sleep well and that when they hurt they don’t sleep well so they hurt when they don’t sleep well. It’s an ugly circle. It’s also something that I can attest to personally.

So… last night I bought my first weighted blanket. And last night I used my first weighted blanket.

It’s different. First night… It’s not good… It’s not bad… It’s different. I didn’t sleep completely well. It was warmer than I thought it would be. The 15 pounds left me feeling like I had… well… lifted weights. It felt good but it was heavier than I thought it would be. I know that it will feel better and better. I know that to such a degree that I’m going to figure out a way to buy one that is lighter to use as a shawl when I need it with me.

I think I’m going to need it with me.

I think it will help when my hands ache. And my hands ache… often as not.

Weighted blankets are supposed to help with anxiety. I think that is going to be a big thing for me coming too.

I think this will start to be a saga.

AprilJoy