From Fat To Finish Line

I stumbled onto a facebook group called From Fat To Finish Line.  I figured that was kind of me… so I joined.  I didn’t read a lot… then I started to lurk.  I didn’t realize that “From Fat To Finish Line” was a thing…

It’s a documentary.

It’s on Netflix

It made everyone cry

I should watch it.

I’m watching it.

It’s about 12 people who lost on average over 100 pounds (not an option for me… that would put me well below any vague semblance of healthy weight.  ) and they run.  They struggle.  They are honest.  It is an amazingly motivational movie for me.  I have hope that after I come off of weight watchers I can keep being okay.

I am not fast but I am strong.

When I am near the back of the pack and I am running all alone and it is quiet and horrible, all I ever think about is how much I suck and how I suck more than anyone else around me.

I remember hitting mile nine in Austin and the waterstop people being the only ones there to cheer anyone on.  All of the cheering people had gone home because the people at the back of the pack don’t need to see the “you can do it” signs.  I cried for the next half mile because I hated myself so much.  I pushed through it.  I finished.

But there is such a difference in being near the front of the pack and being near the back of the pack.  It’s amazing to see the support of the FFTFL group to each other.

I am still down on myself.

But I can do this.  DFL beats DNF… DNF beats DNS…

This morning I weighed myself.  I was 208 pounds in August 2017. Valentines Day, I weighed 202.  When I started training for the Fairytale Challenge I still weighed 200 pounds.  I can’t lose 100 pounds.  I know that.  If I did I would be lower than what I weighed in junior high.  But when I weighed myself this morning I weighed 184.4 . I’m down over 20 pounds since I started using My Fitness Pal (which I will probably keep paying for when my year is up) .

Wednesday, riding the recumbent was good.

Then the day went straight to hell

Was in the locker room and saw myself in the full length mirror naked.  The first time in over 20 years I’ve done that.  It was not a good thing.

It was the first time that there was a line for the showers (the Strongsville gym has TWO count-em two showers and usually there is no one even thinking about showering.  Yesterday I got done with my ride and went to shower for work and had to wait… One of the showers has a level floor leaving the shower, the other has a two inch high wall across the floor.  I NEVER use the one with the little wall ledge thing.  Yesterday the woman who was in there first got done, I got done and the woman after me got done before the woman in the shower without the little wall finished.

I forgot the little wall was there and I tripped.

The woman who was in the shower before me dripped puddles on the floor… so I tripped on the way out… ALMOST caught myself… and slid in her puddle and landed on my booboo wrist and almost smacked my head on the metal bench.

I was determined not to cry

It wasn’t easy

It hurt SO bad catching myself with my bad wrist.

It didn’t help that I’m 4 weeks out from my infusion.  I hurt… and this… man… I didn’t need that.

Stopped at Sheetz to get a watermelon ice tea… No sugar… and yummy.  Changed my jacket in the parking lot and managed to drop my good headsets in the parking lot without noticing…. until I was 20 miles away and almost to work.

I lost it.

I called bear crying in the parking lot at work just absolutely losing it.  I wanted so bad to quit… to give up.  To just sit down and stop trying.  Bear talked me down.  He is my biggest cheerleader.  I don’t know what I would do without him.

Yesterday, my bestie sent me becklomas post from instragram… it made me cry happy tears.  It made me realize that I can live life I just have to be smart about it.  I’ve started making better choices and I can do this…

• becklomasYour body will fluctuate so much throughout adulthood and it really shouldn’t take over your life. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
  Yes I’ve probably gained a kilo or two (I don’t actually know because I don’t weight myself) but yes I’m less toned than I was 4 months ago, no I don’t think I’m unhealthy, no I’m not unhappy.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
  ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
  You know why? I’ve had fun, I’ve been on holidays, I’ve been eating amazing food, I haven’t been beating myself up when I don’t get to the gym because I’m too busy living my life, ive been really really HAPPY! That’s why I may look a little “softer” than I did 4 months ago. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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  It would have been a different story two years ago, when I was 19-20 years old if I fluctuated in weight by even 100 grams I would LOSE MY SHIT, let alone if my body actually changed, I probably would have had a severe mental breakdown.
  ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
  Why? Because I was never confident within myself and that meant that regardless of how much I weighed or what I looked like, or how defined my ab muscles were, I would never be happy with myself.
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  Just a tip: try to stay healthy, exercise regularly, but your body doesn’t define who you are as a person, your weight shouldn’t control your life, and if you want to eat a bowl of ice cream after dinner – EAT A BOWL OF ICECREAM AFTER DINNER! Because life is too short to give up those simple little pleasures.

And now it is Saturday.  Wednesday was supposed to be infusion day.  Now it is the 9th.  It’s going to be a long 11 days.  But it is gym day today in Bruswick.  At least 5 miles (probably 6 miles) on the treadmill.  And tomorrow a quick woggle to the Strongsville gym and another 6 miles more or less at the gym.  Bear and I supporting each other in this.

TWENTY ONE days until my 8k in Cleveland.  Twenty Two to my first half marathon in over two years.  I’m starting to wonder if I can actually consider doing the full next year… isn’t that scary.

Happy weekend.

Love and light
April
4/28/2018