Tag Archives: fear

Choosing Joy… 99 Walks… Joyful Wanderer… July 4th edition

It’s the 4th of July 2020. I am so over politics. I am so over Covid 19 and its evolving cousins. I’m over the Murder Hornets and the Meth Gators and being scared all the time.

January is the traditional time of “reset”. And in January I decided that my word for 2020 was going to be JOY. And then February happened… then March happened… then April and May and June. I have been fighting so hard to just maintain any vague semblance of sanity and not falling into a pit of depression.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m on year three of my anti-depressants. And there are days when I really want to message my Dr to see if we can’t adjust the dose. It’s not like I have much to be depressed about. Bear on hospice, knowing that the flu probably put him there. Races being cancelled. Fairs and Disney. Movies at the theater being a thing of the past. The world as we know it changing to one where hate and derisiveness are rampant. Realizing just how polarized things really can get. It’s made this Mary Sunshine pretty much a Debbie Downer for a lot of days.

Then I found 99 Walks.

I’m not even sure how I found it on Facebook, to be perfectly honest. It might have been an ad on my feed. I don’t know. I know whatever it was, I saw the shiny thin bracelet that is your reward for making your walking goal every month and I was hooked on the bling. Ask anyone… I have a crap ton of medals hanging in the window of my office at home. Bling is an awesome motivator. And I needed some heavy duty motivation. Three good things every day for months on end wasn’t doing it. Something had to.

So I went and investigated. There is an app for that (go figure). There is a book. There is a central Facebook group. There are spawned off other Facebook groups. Everyone is so incredibly supportive and friendly. It is my respite from the world. It’s not a magic bullet. I still find myself in a pit with nothing to look at but mud walls and worms kind of frequently. But it is helping.

This month the theme is Joyful Wanderer (did I say that yesterday?). I’m taking this month very much to heart. I’m very mindfully walking. I’m stepping up my game. I’m very determined to get my Joyful Wanderer bracelet.

I’m struggling to get back to Choose Joy.

I’m manufacturing ways to try to trick my brain back into some semblance of who I am because I really really miss being me.

Does that make any sense?

So tonight I’m sitting here waiting on French Fries to be finished cooking, nursing a shoulder that has been flairing for about four days now (it usually doesn’t last this long and I’m really not enjoying it). I’m putting my left hand where I need it to be with my right hand so I don’t move the muscles so much in my left shoulder. I’ve been putting Boo Boo Salve on it pretty regularly (it’s awesome stuff… all natural… a friend of my mom’s makes it… https://www.rainbowskytrading.com/) and adding in the Napproxen at night.

Today we went to the zoo again. It’s coming up close to the Asian Lantern Festival and we wanted to see them in the daylight. That, and the Dinosaur experience is open so… yeah.

It was particularly scary to be out and about today. The state isn’t as bad as Florida or Arizona or California right now… but we are double what we were a month ago and it isn’t looking better any time soon. Our county is the second highest number of Covid cases in the state. The mayor of Cleveland made an executive order that everyone has to wear a mask when they are in a public place.

It was good to see, though, that people were actually wearing masks this week at the zoo.

I worked hard today at mindfully spending time with Bear and Squirrel. It was, altogether, a good day. Pictures to treasure. Memories made.

Should we have gone given everything? Probably not. But we were as careful as we could be. Handsitizer. Clorox wipes. Masks and 6 feet apart (even when it pissed people off that I deliberately would not push Bear’s wheelchair past them when it was too close. Bear says he will die sooner if he can never leave the house. I can’t take everything away.

Starting now I will be starting to use curbside pick up.

Am I scared?

Hell yes

But I can do this. I can’t say this is any kind of new normal… but it my current reality and I have to find myself again.

Today was one walk of 2.6 miles pushing the wheelchair and one walk of 1.2 miles. both were mindful and peaceful.

Love and Light

AprilJoy

7/4/2020

Pre-existing Conditions

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No, mom, the picture isn’t from now, it’s from a couple years ago… just making a statement.

Okay… let me start out by saying I’m trying really hard not to over react. I’m trying hard to think that, even in politics, there has to be some logic involved, some degree of common sense.  I’m trying to believe that a country that has progressed so far in the past dozen or so years can’t possibly slide backwards so far so fast.  I try.  I really try. I want to believe that my daughter (who has kidney stones and epilepsy) won’t be cast adrift.  I want to believe that my son with sjogrens will likewise not be put on his own iceberg.

That said… trying hard doesn’t keep me from being terrified.  I’m terrified.

I read pre-existing conditions.

I read caps on coverage.

I read the rhetoric and the realities.

If there is a million dollar cap on lifetime benefits… and I ONLY get my orencia infusions… those magic biologic treatments that keep me functional… at 10,000 billed to my insurance a month… that leaves me with just over 8 years.  8 years of being able to be a functioning tax paying contributing to society citizen.

There has to be an irony in the fact that 8 years will take me to the maximum possible term that Trump could see.

And I am one of the “lucky” ones.

I hear the people in the infusion center talk about what EACH of their treatment actually “costs” if it isn’t covered.    Fifty thousand dollars a week for one treatment.   They get to live almost 6 months (because their treatments are keeping them ALIVE not just keeping the hot glass shard feeling out of their fingers or their fingers pointing in the same directions, or their knees from being the size of volleyballs).

I’m trying to not be reactionary

Acne is a pre-existing condition

Acne

People who had cancer 15 years ago and are not clean and clear… they have a pre-existing condition.

And don’t even get me thinking about how much the fact that a woman is born with the wrong anatomy to matter.  <<it’s been a LONG exhausting week and I might just tell you>>

 

I don’t want to be reactionary… but…

States could apply for waivers that would allow insurance companies in their states to do three things: 1. Charge older people more than five times what they charge young people for the same policy; 2. Eliminate required coverage, called essential health benefits, including maternity care, mental health and prescription drugs, that were required under the Affordable Care Act; and 3. Charge more for or deny coverage to people who have pre-existing health conditions, such as cancer, diabetes or arthritis.

The waivers could also impact people with employer-based insurance, because insurers could offer policies that have annual and lifetime benefit limits, which are banned under the Affordable Care Act, and some companies may choose those policies for their workers to lower premiums.

Let’s face it… I’m really scared.

I’ve written my senators.

I’ve considered stopping my infusions because they will cost more than I make

I’ve considered moving to somewhere that will allow me to afford to exist.

Yeah… not being terrified and not being reactionary isn’t really working for me so much right now.

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Slithering…

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Fear, like the fog, slithers in and through and around. Fog leaves its damp trail on the roads and the lawns. It licks the trees and fences and guard rails. The damp taste of metal feeds its silence. It weaves … Continue reading

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Just a Hysterectomy

Got your attention, huh? The reaction to that statement seems to be kind of varied. My OB-GYN (who is an AWESOME doctor… I lucked into one with a good bedside manner when I went on a panic stricken hunt for … Continue reading

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I thought I Could Protect Them

School was an escape for me.  I could escape my reality and replace it with one that sounded wonderful (in books at least) or that showed me the parts of other people’s reality that I would have loved for my … Continue reading

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I can’t do this anymore

Have you ever had one of those days (hours, weeks, whatever) when everything seems (to you, at least) to come crashing down and you don’t know what to do and you just feel like you can’t do this anymore?  You … Continue reading