Category Archives: Journalling

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On Touching Just One

If not me, then who? If I can touch just one, and that one can touch just one, and on and on and on, then maybe the world can change. Once upon a time, I wanted to change the world. … Continue reading

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Broken Graft

Broken Graft I grew up on a farm. It wasn’t a formal farm. It was a family farm. Even when I was small it had fallen frequently to disrepair. The walls of the barn were even then being pushed out … Continue reading

188 days and counting

ImageUp… Hobbit Feet on… lots of water… out the door and into the darkness.  My favorite time to “run”

It was so quiet this morning.  Crickets, owls, and just a little bit of traffic.  Into the dark, into the quiet.

It was a fast walk… 1.7 miles out and 1.7 miles back.  I was going to do the big circle, but there aren’t nearly enough lights in the park at o’dark thirty to make me feel even halfway safe, so after a quick drink next to the pool, I turned around and retraced my steps.

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Lion King and songs from the 60s kept me company.

By the time I got back to nearly home, I was cooling down to Yoga Walk.  Hair dripping sweat down my back.  Hobbit Feet feeling the road.  Stretching and listening to the quiet…

I feel sore but the shower helped… Eggs for breakfast… coffee and water… and… I can so do this again…  which makes me feel amazingly good right now

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Does a Day Go BY

This past week I had my visit with my Rheumy.  She poked and prodded (physically and metaphorically) and she got me thinking. For starters, I’m thinking that 85% back to ‘normal’ might be good enough if it means that the … Continue reading

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Rockin my Buff

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Okay, so… like I said, I like my Buff.  And I have been wearing it to work.  It has met with some very mixed reviews. I have heard that some people like it.  That seems to be what passes for … Continue reading

In general, it has been (in case you didn’t read about it) a kind of crappy feeling several days.  I’ve been inordinately down on myself.  I have felt very insignificant and to a great extent like a looser.  I’m still feeling kind of disgusted because even among RA people I’m “sick” enough to qualify as technically part of the group, but I realize that I don’t reach nearly enough people to count as someone who makes a difference and I’m not sick ENOUGH to be held up as a poster child.  It kind of makes me feel like the fact that I can actually finish a half marathon and dream of walking a Disney half some day means that I am too healthy to be sick and too sick to be healthy.  Sigh… so… I will figure out how to deal with all of that.

The rest of the poor me crap that has been plaguing me, I figure I’m pretty much past.  I went for a walk.  I took a mess of pictures.  I enjoyed a beautiful day.

I went out and played.  I played in the rain and in the after rain.  I got soaked multiple times, froze my tootsies and got some really interesting pictures.  It kept my mind occupied and let me get out and get some much needed exercise and de-stress.

It is still promising to be a long week.  Tomorrow I have my rheumy appointment.  I’m kind of looking forward to it so I can find out for sure if the Humera is working well enough or if I’m going to have to add some other uber industrial strength meds.  I’m feeling some better.  I still ache.  But… I guess that is a given.

Here is to looking forward to a better tomorrow…

Tuesday, my baby girl gets injected with radioactive die and will be stuck laying on an xray table for two hours for her HIDA scan.  I’m worried.  I don’t like that she is getting so irradiated.  But she is still puking and that worries me even more than the radiation.  so… I will worry and suck it up.

I am still not completely back to Mary Sunshine.  I am still worried about friends and family and what is being faced tomorrow and over the next couple weeks.  But it is starting to feel a little bit like butterflies after the rain.  There are still weeds.  But at least the weeds are blooming and there are butterflies dancing and playing in the warm afternoon sun.

Finally Enjoying the Quiet

The house is asleep late… or at least very quiet.  Even the dog is loafing later than usual… that might be her leg aching from the damp cold morning and when she wants out, she just comes to look at me, not even a scratch on the door.  I took a nice long hot bath… easing some of the aches, but not all.  My knee and my shoulder this morning (up from “just” my knee yesterday) are complaining… but my tootsies are warm and my fingers are working well, so I finished a couple more chemo hats.

It’s been a long couple weeks.  I’ve spent most of the time trying to protect and heal my little herd.  It hasn’t been easy.  It has caused so many hard feelings for so many people.  I’m trying to figure out how to heal the rest… or how to deal with the fact that I can’t.

I’ve been thinking an awful lot about toxic people this week.  Too many people are already hurting in this world with physical and emotional pain.  Why do people (who are probably themselves hurting in some way) have to add to the pain of others?  I hope that it isn’t really intentional on most people’s part.  It would make me feel much better if the causing of pain from one person to another was purely accidental.  And for the most part I think it is.

I may be a pollyanna… I may actually be worse than a pollyanna… but I would rather believe in the good rather than to live my whole life believing that everyone who isn’t exactly like me, or everyone who I have never had the fortune to see face to face is evil and wrong and bad.  That mentality is what keeps wars going and that causes bullycide and other violence.  Live and let live. Hate is entirely overrated.

Listening To The Rain

Was up a lot last night.  A couple storms blew through and it got way loud and lots of lightning.  Poor dog is never rattled by storms and this one rattled her.  Now, five hours later, the rain has quieted to just an easy slow rain on the window.

I’m all curled up in a blanket and enjoying the rare sound.  It has been so infrequent that we have had rain this past year that despite the achies that this rain seems to have brought with it, I’m loving the sound.  I even hope that, eventually, we might get grass back rather than gray-brown stubble and a few intrepid weeds.  So far we have left the weeds because at least they are green and soft.

Hands are complaining this morning.  I know it is from the rain, and from the extra typing yesterday.  Ah well, it is what it is and it will be what it will be.  I will toss in my jar of Tiger Balm and my fingerless gloves when I head out to Jury Duty this morning. My commute this morning is ten miles north rather than thirty miles south.  It will be a short one and I get to see what Jury Duty here is like.  I’ not sure what the deal is, I looked at the county web site and it said the next jury trial is January 24.  I guess today is part of picking a jury for one of the upcoming trials?   I have my iPad all charged up so I can take notes on my fellow captives and so I can read.

I have a neat sore spot in the middle of the top of my left foot.  Not sure what it is but it has been there for a few days.  I’m trusting that I will make my rheumy appointment on Wednesday to find out.  I have a place just at my ankle of my right foot that feels like I could crack it if I tried really hard.  Except that I tried really hard a couple times and it brought tears to my eyes, it hurt so bad.  Yeah.  Pretty sure I will try to let it work itself out.

I keep thinking I need to haul my butt out of my nice warm bed and head to the kitchen to fetch coffee.  I get to take it a bit on the easy side this morning, I don’t have to be to the court house till EIGHT THIRTY!!!   I really should find something suitable to wear, though.  Not sure what one wears to Jury Duty today… should I wear my Mickey Ears?  Or… my unicorn head?  … ah… maybe jeans and a sweater (I am always chilly) and grab my hoody…

Happy Monday all.

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Words…

You know… I’m finally coming to the place in my head and in my heart where I understand that I need to just stop fighting my own reality and give in and do something about it.  I’ve spent a night … Continue reading

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What RA is like

This was posted in a group I’m on on facebook.  I went hunting and found it here as well (and found out that it can be shared with attribution)   What RA Is Like: A Letter For Family and Friends … Continue reading