Category Archives: bullying

I am just freaking tired

It is infusion day, so I am tired in general. But the tired that I am is way different than that kind of tired.

I’m tired of having to be the bigger person when I walk into Walmart wearing my mask (because even though I am FULLY vaccinated (as in I got my third dose already so yeah) and I get derogatory comments directed at me. I either get comments about it all being a hoax… or not nearly as bad as the flu… or get your damn shot… or that I am just plain stupid for wearing one… or if I’m fully vaccinated I don’t have to worry about anything so don’t pander to the man… whatever

I’m tired of seeing posts about “them” putting chips in vaccines so they can track you and knowing that at least half of those posts are made by people using their shiny smart phone that has legally been tracking people since the 9-11 attacks. OOOOO yeah… tell people how YOU aren’t going to be tracked and stick that tracker that automagically sends you “there is a sale at that tire store you just passed” adds… and coupons based on your past shopping…. that can hear you and pander adds to you… because yeah… the vaccine is what they will use to know things.

I’m tired of the rhetoric and the arguments

I’m tired of people being judgemental butts

I’m tired of “yeah yeah yeah, I know you have problems but what about MY more important problems”

I’m tired.

No, the vaccine isn’t the magic bullet. Yes if you get the vaccine you can still get covid but not as bad (I’ll get to that in a couple minutes). Yes, you have every right to your views and opinions but you know what, I have every right to mine and if I don’t happen to point out that you are stupid or being a sheep to a different flock (if I’m going what a whole bunch of people are doing I’m a sheep…. GUESS WHAT… if you are doing what a whole bunch of different people are doing you are just a sheep to a different flock but you are still a sheep… you can find a way to be your own lone wolf to eat the sheep I guess but if you are like a metric crap ton of other people you’re not the wolf).

Yes you can pick and choose your pieces and parts of your version of your religion to justify whatever you can do. Even Shakespeare knew that much a bazillion years ago…

“The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose.
An evil soul producing holy witness
Is like a villain with a smiling cheek,
A goodly apple rotten at the heart.
O, what a goodly outside falsehood hath!”
― William Shakespeare, The Merchant of Venice

But you know what… I just spent the weekend worried (surrounded by pieces and parts of my family at any given point in time) about my little sister.

My little sister was fully vaccinated (MONTHS ago because she has parents that she didn’t want to put at any more risk than had to be… and she has a daughter that has diabetes so is at added risk and didn’t want to be the cause of bad things happening even inadvertently).

My sister caught covid a few weeks ago. She was self swab tested and it came back negative but there can be false negatives. They treated her for covid and she was REALLY sick for several days and improved. End of last week her doctor cleared her to start back to work on a limited schedule.

Friday she was out an about doing the things that she generally does… towards afternoon she realized she wasn’t feeling right (her dr told her to be aware if not feeling right happened and get to the ER). She is a trained nurse so she knows what to watch for. She went to the local ER. They knew something was up but didn’t know what. They were going to admit her for observation. Then they realized something serious might be up and they decided they didn’t want to look bad if things went south so instead of putting her in THEIR ICU… they life flighted her to a semi local hospital. By the time they landed she was in the middle of a massive heart attack (two of the four blood vessels were blocked by clots). She died three times and had to be revived with the defibrillator… THREE TIMES. This, she/we were told was classic post COVID complication. No plaque in veins just huge clot that has now exploded and is hundreds of little clots… on blood thinners… having ecgs… moved (moving?) to a “regular” room on the heart unit. Will need a pace maker when she gets strong enough but in the mean time will be wearing a life vest for at least six months (those are the personal aed devices that monitor your heart rhythm and will shock you back to normal… alive… if you pass out).

They are keeping her a few more days to monitor her.

Her doctor told her that it was a blessing that she had been fully vaccinated because if she hadn’t been… she would not be alive right now. Her covid WITH the vaccine was sever enough that if she hadn’t been vaccinated she would have ended up intubated and would most likely not have made it.

I’ve heard my mom cry hysterically over the phone… not able to catch her breath… when she called and told me that sis was on her way to the hospital in life flight. I sat around the table talking to very sober family who rallied around each other waiting to get information from little sister via phone/messenger/facetime. I’ve heard the fear and the pain.

And this morning it’s back to being Monday. I’ve driven 500 miles in two days (two trips there and two trips back… because work…. and dogs). I’m sitting here listening to the morning snorage that is all around my feet because they are dogs and they sleep A LOT but they also know and want me to be okay.

And I’m realizing how tired I am. I watched as some people pretended to support the family while wedging in their own agenda to the conversation. I’ve watched while people looked at me with hard side eye for wearing my mask in Sheetz to grab pop and coffee. I’m tired of arguments and rhetoric and bullshit and my tolerance for bullshit is so epically low that I currently refuse to deal with it. I’m unfollowing people (because lord knows I can’t block people).

Tomorrow should have been my anniversary.

In 19 days it will be the anniversary of bear dying.

Covid has been a thing and my doctor told me that covid will forever be a thing and the best thing I can do is avoid people at all costs and learn all of the right ways to protect myself and my family. Even with fully vaccinated for flu or covid or pneumonia I will only ever be 65% protected because of my amazingly expensive drugs that allow me to maintain a fairly normal life.

If you see me with my mask on, don’t get all sanctimonious on me. I don’t care what your opinion is. You have yours and I have mine and if you don’t want me to get bitchy in your face just leave me the hell alone. If you don’t like it, I DON’T CARE. And the next person who tells me that they were bullied into wearing masks for a year so now it’s my turn to be bullied because I am still wearing one… don’t be surprised if I tell you to go sleep with the sheep in your own damn herd.

I’m tired.

I’m tired and there is no end of bullshit in sight.

Love and Light
ajw

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I thought I Could Protect Them

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Finally Enjoying the Quiet

The house is asleep late… or at least very quiet.  Even the dog is loafing later than usual… that might be her leg aching from the damp cold morning and when she wants out, she just comes to look at me, not even a scratch on the door.  I took a nice long hot bath… easing some of the aches, but not all.  My knee and my shoulder this morning (up from “just” my knee yesterday) are complaining… but my tootsies are warm and my fingers are working well, so I finished a couple more chemo hats.

It’s been a long couple weeks.  I’ve spent most of the time trying to protect and heal my little herd.  It hasn’t been easy.  It has caused so many hard feelings for so many people.  I’m trying to figure out how to heal the rest… or how to deal with the fact that I can’t.

I’ve been thinking an awful lot about toxic people this week.  Too many people are already hurting in this world with physical and emotional pain.  Why do people (who are probably themselves hurting in some way) have to add to the pain of others?  I hope that it isn’t really intentional on most people’s part.  It would make me feel much better if the causing of pain from one person to another was purely accidental.  And for the most part I think it is.

I may be a pollyanna… I may actually be worse than a pollyanna… but I would rather believe in the good rather than to live my whole life believing that everyone who isn’t exactly like me, or everyone who I have never had the fortune to see face to face is evil and wrong and bad.  That mentality is what keeps wars going and that causes bullycide and other violence.  Live and let live. Hate is entirely overrated.

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Trying To Deal With Stress

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Why Do You Care

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