Category Archives: motivation

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All about the perspective

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So, I’ve been dwelling a good bit lately because I know that people think I’m as dumb as a box of rocks. My post yesterday kind of dwelt on that. I’ve been torn between being dumber than a box of … Continue reading

5 AM at Gold’s and EVERYONE is here!

Today, I knew I had a lunch time meeting (which was actually a meeting I enjoyed and I think I’m going to very much like this project) so I opted to try to hit Gold’s before work. Packed my backpack with ‘gym’ clothes (underwear, dry fit shirt, an extra pair of ‘hobbit feet’ socks and sweat pants) and a towel, Secret and some shampoo. There has to be irony somewhere that I managed to get all of that, my laptop and all accompanying cords and cables, my journal and a book I’m reading into my backpack with a little room to spare. I’m getting better at this sometimes.

Hauled my butt to the local Gold’s, marveled at the fact that I had to HUNT for a parking space at Gold’s at odark thirty in the morning, crammed my backpack into a locker, got changed and hit the treadmill. I did three miles in 45 minutes.  I’m starting to believe I might actually be able to do this and not get swept.  Maybe.

Yesterday did me good using it as my down day.  Yoga/Tai Chi/Pillates class that I went to on Tuesday kicked my butt and I’m still sore in muscles that haven’t held poses for well over a year.  It was my first real yoga class since my hysterectomy.  I’m still feeling it today.

Gold’s is full of people at 5 am.  I was sure I would be alone in a big empty gym.  No dice.  I do like the big part of my local Gold’s better than the Lady’s Gym.  There are really nice treadmills. The kind that will alter the incline based on a program or on your suggestion as you run.  45 minutes and I was soaked with sweat dripping from my hair and running in my eyes (mental note… find that gym towel I got a couple years ago).

As I walked, I thought about Disney.  I thought about the Austin Halfs that I’ve done.  I thought about finish lines and other runners I’ve seen and how this is my own race against myself.  I thought about how much I hope I don’t flare in January.  I hope I can keep up this pace working out.  I hope I can always remember that ‘there but for the grace of God go I’ when people remind me that they hurt and that they can’t do this.

In the locker room, I was reminded that, no matter how much I am female genetically, I have never figured out how to be a girl.  There was a woman about my age (maybe a bit older) in her underwear putting on her make up.  She was putting on her make up at one of the mirrors (do the men’s locker rooms have this many mirrors?) when I walked into the locker room.  When I pulled everything out of the locker.  When I went in to shower.  When I came OUT of the shower (they have actual COLD water at the gym, ah to have a place where the pipes aren’t heated by the outside air).  When I got dressed.  When I got my hobbit feet pulled on.  When I pulled a comb through my hair and twisted it into a bun.  She was putting on makeup the WHOLE time.  Not doing her hair.  All makeup.  Sometimes I wish I knew how to “do” girl… but I don’t think I could handle taking that much time to get ready for anything.

There are a BUNCH of people just as crazy as I am out at the gym in the way way early morning.

Breakfast was Poweraid and Rice-a-Roni… and water… and Gu tablets in water.

Now, here I am. throwing a pony tail holder repeatedly for the cat drinking a cup of coffee thinking about excuses I hear from people who have no other excuse for not working out other than the excuse that it isn’t easy, they don’t like to shower at the gym, they have to get up early in the morning or take time after work and they certainly can’t take time out of their busy lunch.

I am incredibly grateful that I can do this.  I am determined to keep going.  I am hopeful that I will make it to the finish line in January, hopefully at least fifteen or twenty pounds lighter by the time we head to Florida.

As good as Orencia has me feeling now, maybe this will help make me feel even better.

Here’s to trying to believe in my own magic and making this dream come true.

On Disappointing People

So, I’m listening to “motivational” YouTube videos on half marathon running and finishing.  The one I’m listening to right now suggests that you “put it out there” and “share it with people” because then you will really do it because you don’t want to let people down.

Don’t take this wrong, please, but… no offense, it isn’t letting other people down that worries me.  It’s letting ME down that worries me.  I don’t intend to let me (or anyone) down, and given that I’m hearing a lot about how much I probably won’t finish and everyone has SO many doubts that I will make it without getting swept… I have a lot of negative press to overcome. But… we shall overcome and I will cross and medal.

I need to listen to these more often.  They are awesome!  Seeing what to expect at key points along the way is getting me really excited.  The Magic Kingdom right about sunrise?  Oh man…  I know that they try to keep the hype up for the Austin Half, but I don’t know how you can ever hope to out-hype the Disney World Half Marathon… This is enough to keep me focussed and training and keeping my nose to grindstone!

Given that I’m training on my own and this race I know I will REALLY be doing on my own, this motivation is helping.

Tuesday I ‘ran’ 2 miles at lunch time at the gym.  Wednesday I bicycled 7 miles at lunch time.  I love the gym.  I’m fixing to love the gym even more!!!

I went to the second hand store today at lunch time (yay payday) and I found some awesome cool stuffed animals (Stitchy for Amandya, Donald for Adam… and a Disney Animal Kingdom Hippo for me) but I also founf a pair of sweats that are almost (almost) exactly the color of Figment.  I don’t know if I will be using these pants for the half or if they are going to wear out completely before hand.  But… I found a pair.  I’m going to keep looking for a pair I like, but for now, these will do.  I can train in them to keep my spirits up.  I may forgo wearing the Figment hat in Gold’s, though.  I feel like enough of a freak without having everyone laughing at me.

Why does EVERYONE look at themselves in the mirror?  I mean, really?  I understand people with weights wanting to make sure that they are doing it right, I guess.  But I’m talking about spending the whole time watching themselves.  And not just like… Oh hey… there I am… or even… wow my hair really sucks when I’m sweaty… They stare at themselves ALL the time.  Okay, you’re gorgeous.  Yes, your form with the jumprope is AMAZING.  And you seem incredibly vain and self absorbed.

I keep trying to convince myself I’m not stark raving loony… I have to be crazy to be taking a chance on a race where I could actually get swept.  The moritication of having speant an obscene amount of money on a race that I may not ever finish.  It’s bad enough to be doing the race in Austin where I could be dragging my butt on the sidewalk long after they reopen the roads.  But… I could get swept and never finish.  I would cry so hard if I get swept.  I hope I get so carried away by everything that I just go and go and go.

I’m pulling together a list of songs for my playlist.  This morning I realized that I really need to add in the Owl City song from Wreck It Ralph.  It might not be Disney but it is a good song anyway.

Looking Forward to Training and Finally Feeling Human

I’m finally starting to feel human. It’s been a long couple weeks. My infection is gone and the incision to drain same is healing. My “the cat came back from the kennel” allergy attack is a not so fond memory. My fungal infection is clearing up. And… I’m sleeping again.

Feeling human is good.

I’m enjoying a quiet cup of coffee… my gym bag is packed for Gold’s (tomorrow? Monday? Not sure). I bought a lock… and have planned my purple outfit (figment purple) for the race. I have my hat all ready to go. Am I too excited given it is about 136 days away? Probably. But… this time I have a real goal and I know I can do it. I have to. It matters.

I got my bag of trading pins today. I rooted through them and found a ladybug pin with Mickey Mouse head spots. There were other wicked cool ones. Figment ones. Duffy ones. But… since I’m bug lady and since ladybugs are a “thing” with me… this seemed to be a positive omen. I’m going to put it on my RunDisney lanyard (thank you Ebay) that should be here in a few days and use it as a motivational tool.

I keep trying to hunt things like… blogs… and stuff about people who have done the race and people who have trained for the race. I can’t find anything that really speaks to me yet. But I keep trying. I keep thinking that if I can do this (especially with RA) other people surely should too.

SO… here’s to the end of a busy Saturday… lemon water and quiet… and a song in my heart!

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On Touching Just One

If not me, then who? If I can touch just one, and that one can touch just one, and on and on and on, then maybe the world can change. Once upon a time, I wanted to change the world. … Continue reading

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Labels

The last few days I’ve come to realize that my whole life I’ve been some kind of label. Sometimes at first glance the labels were put there to encourage. Usually they were kind of derogatory in flavor though. I’ve been … Continue reading

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Cold Front Friday

So… it was 91 degrees Fahrenheit yesterday. That’s about 33 Celsius if anyone  reads this who lives in a place where that is more common (as in ANYWHERE but in the US… ). About 9 last night a cold front went through.  Windy and … Continue reading

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When Someone Else Gets an Autoimmune Disorder

Irony is amazing isn’t it?  I mean, the very people who blow you off when you casually mention the fact that you have an autoimmune disorder that will affect the rest of your life are sometimes the very people who … Continue reading

On Being a Geek with RA

Okay… so…  I’m a professional geek.  I work in IT.  And I have RA (but RA does NOT have me).  I’m starting to FINALLY (after mumble mumble mumble years) realize that neither of these things necessarily define me. Now who I am.  Now what I am.  They are a part of me, but they are not me.

That said… IT does keep me (and my family) in drugs.  Looking at what it costs for the drugs we all take every single solitary day (or in my case every other week for my Humera)… IT keeps me able to keep myself and my family reasonably healthy.  Prescription medication runs about $5000 a month for all of what we all take.

This past week (and quite likely for the next at least 4 to 5 weeks) has been bad for work.  Extra hours, weekend work, and stress.  We don’t plan always overly well… and this is no exception.  The systems I work on don’t “make the company money” so they don’t really matter as much until the last possible moment then they matter a WHOLE lot and I have to scramble to make everything okay.    I know that by the time everything is said and done, I’m going to hurt and be exhausted.

When I started being the kind of geek I currently am, it was kind of easy to work 900 hours in three months.  I missed spring, but I got a bonus and it lead to my first book.

It isn’t so easy now.

I’m currently fighting a flare in my knees that has me gritting my teeth and trying hard to not look like I’m limping.  And I’m only a couple weeks into it.

It used to define who I believed myself to be.

I’ve let a lot of things (through the years) define me to myself.

But I’ve realized (a lot the last few days) that… much as I have been allowing what other people think or what I think because of it…

I wasn’t born in a cream can (thank goodness) so I don’t have to worry about the fact that they wouldn’t have opened it if I had been.

Yes, I melted crayons on the registers (coal heat is a HOT heat) and on the guts of the hot water tanks that littered the pasture field.  But the colors ran together is such beautiful rainbows.

I shot crayons out through the holes in wire spools.  They launch awesomely with a ruler.

I scribbled in notebooks

I colored outside the lines in my coloring books when I was 6.

I was touched inappropriately.

I was called little boy all the time by a relative

I played dress up (in gowns and heels) with an awesome little boy who loved dressing in dresses.

I buried dead toads and butterflies under the pine tree in the play yard.

I believe with all of my heart that the shanty in the play yard and the workshop at grandpa’s house are haunted.

I gave up trying to be as good as older siblings.

It took a long time before I was able to say the words “I am a writer”.  I had several published geek books before I was able to say the words.   I still have trouble saying it… but it’s true.  I have been a writer since I was in 4th grade.

I realized today that… if I hadn’t grown up the way I did… If I hadn’t experienced the things I experienced… I wouldn’t be who I am now.  I wouldn’t be able to understand the things I understand.  I don’t know who I would be. I don’t think I want to know who I would be.  I do know that there are things that I can understand that I KNOW I wouldn’t have been able to understand had I not lived what I lived.

If I could have picked a childhood… I might have chosen one more full of “yes you can” rather than one full of “people like you can’t”… but then I wouldn’t be me and maybe I wouldn’t be able to tell my babies that they can do whatever they want to do… to follow their dreams no matter what they are and no matter where they lead them… maybe I would be a person I don’t even like.

What about you?  How do you define you?  By other people’s standards and the way they talk?  Or by the way you want to be?

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It’s Okay to Be Okay With Yourself

So… Dark and Quiet again this morning.  Isn’t it interesting how 5 am is like that pretty much every day south of… like… Alaska?  My feet are freezing and I have a fan on because I’m still having some interesting … Continue reading