I’ve been cleaning. I’m not quite half way done with the task and I’ve been at it all weekend… but it has been an almost fun adventure. The cleaning has been interspersed with preparations for the upcoming school year (tomorrow … Continue reading
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So, my determined little Dassie Girl (who has taken to liking Dassie girl more than squirrel girl all of a sudden… I think because it sounds neat, and we know what a Dassie is and they are cute) crept slowly … Continue reading
So… here I am, faced with my ultimate dilema. I’m starting to feel human again. I can make decent tme on my walk. I can feel like getting out and pushing again. I am looking forward (deranged individual that I … Continue reading
Got your attention, huh? The reaction to that statement seems to be kind of varied. My OB-GYN (who is an AWESOME doctor… I lucked into one with a good bedside manner when I went on a panic stricken hunt for … Continue reading
You’ve heard them. And you have probably gotten extremely irritated by them. Those ever so well meaning people who tell you that, if you would just exercise more (maybe take up yoga) you would be all better and you wouldn’t have to rely on those silly meds any more.
You know the first thing that goes through your mind.
If I could do yoga, don’t you think I would love to do yoga, but I know how badly my body hurts just getting through my day and trying to stick my left big toe in my right ear while standing on my head is just not happening.
Why exactly do you think that people who weigh over 120 pounds, or who hurt or aren’t limber or who aren’t “perfect” don’t take up yoga? Any guesses? Anyone?
Look at the people coming in and out of a Yoga studio. Look at the pages of Yoga magazines. You will get a pretty quick idea of why.
I get the Nook version of Yoga Journal and I read it (albeit with a bent to what I can learn not usually because I want to be able to stick my right toe in my left ear while standing on my head. There are some amazingly well written and insightful articles.
But lately (as I hear more and more people talk about how maybe I could be fixed if I would just <insert quick fix here>) I have been looking as much at the pictures in the magazine to see if I can’t figure out why people I talk to don’t think they can take up Yoga.
OH BOY. Yeah, I know why no one feels they can.
On this month’s cover…
Blonde with not a hair out of place despite doing poses on a cliff side overlooking the ocean. Bare midriff. Tight spandex pants. She might weigh 125 pounds. The only thing missing is a bellybutton ring.
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Random pages…
Vintage VW Bug with another 115 pound girl on the roof… in the middle of a field of flowers…
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Two women sitting on a wooden deck, laughing together… neither has an ounce of extra flesh…
There are the women at the south pole (I guess they are at the south pole. they are standing on mats outside in the snow next to a pole and it says the south pole) and the quote in THAT bit says “it lets us take our big boots off, feel our feet, and just stretch”. The picture is outside in the snow… Funny… Not one of them has their boots off, but they don’t look like they are freezing, either… despite not one of them weighing over 120 pounds and despite the fact that one is doing tree, one is standing on her head, and one is squatting with her butt inches from the snow. The poses are perfect.
There is the well muscled woman on the side of a granite rock.
OH HEY, a guy. Also buff and fit.
None are sweaty. Not one are doing any kind of adaptation of the perfect poses. NONE look like they hurt or are in any way sweaty or un-perfect.
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WOW… I found her!!! The ONLY woman in the last couple issues of the magazine (I haven’t gone any further back but I have a hunch…) on page NINETY TWO of the magazine, back buried in the “continued on” section near the rest of the adverts… The token woman who weighs at least 150 pounds. She is doing a way better job at the pose than I could, but at least it isn’t perfect. She isn’t the stereotypical yogi. SHE IS ON PAGE NINETY TWO. And she is in advertisement for a yoga retreat (not ACTUALLY in an article)… but she is there. Hidden in the back… where you would not likely look if you were flipping through the magazine.
I love the magazine. I read the articles. I hate the fact that no one in any of the articles looks ANYTHING like me.
You can do yoga. Honest. I started yoga right after my diagnosis to try to stay ahead of the pain and the stiffness. You can adapt poses and use props to do them. Some of my favorite parts of yoga are the Pranayamas (like here http://www.abc-of-yoga.com/pranayama/)… breathing… thinking about where stuff hurts, and taking as deep a breath as I can and sending my thoughts and the breath to where the pain and stiffness is. Some days, this is the only yoga I can do (the poses are just so far beyond where I am that I just can’t).
You CAN do yoga.
You don’t have to be perfect at it. You don’t have to look like the stereotypical yogis. You don’t have to wear the “right ” clothes or even do half the poses. The point is more taking time to meet yourself where you are and change the way you are thinking during that short amount of time.
It isn’t going to “fix” you, but it can help make you more comfortable in your own mind. It can help with the way you feel about you, if not the way you feel.
Yoga doesn’t have to have anything to do with being perfect, only meeting yourself where you are and meeting your own needs.
Posted in pain, reflection, yoga
Tagged being gentle with yourself, meeting yourself, not perfect, RA, rheumatoid arthritis, stress, yoga, yoga journal
Up obscenely early this morning. The windows wide open, trying to catch the smallest breeze. It’s 70 degrees at 3 in the morning. There is a small breeze, but not even enough to stir the wind chimes into singing. I … Continue reading
So… today was my rheumy appointment. I was TOTALLY not looking forward to this appointment. The last couple hadn’t been stellar and I was worrying myself about half sick over what she might say. I know what my next steps are and I really really didn’t want to hear them.
Got there and went right into the office (going RIGHT after lunch is a good thing). I didn’t get weighed. I didn’t have my BP taken or my temp or my pulse. That was really creepy. When Sean was there I always always always had vitals. I don’t even know that Dr Booth cared so much, it was just what we did. Today, nothing. Great. I actually wanted validation that my weight is down.
So, I kicked off my hobbit feet and my rainbow toe socks and tucked my feet under my legs to try to keep my tootsies warm. It didn’t work. “Yay” Raynauds… :0(
Dr Booth came in and we chatted and she poked and prodded. Then we chatted some more. Turns out she was anticipating my going on the IV drugs in the VERY NEAR future. I was instantly petrified. Tied to the doctor’s office for the rest of my life.
But… looks like I’m down to three involved joints, and those three only the eensiest bit squishy… and none of that squishy is in any way looking like it might even chance extra damage to the joints. I am staying on Humera until at least the end of May (when we will re-evaluate and determine if Remicade or Orencia are next). If I can hold in there at about 80% back to normal or even gain a little more ground…. I may be able to hold out for even longer on “just” the tummy shots and not have to go onto the stronger and stronger drugs.
I did get a script for Napproxin (I was coming to the end of the ones from my wrist surgery from last year) to take the edge off when I’m having an achy day.
I’m not sure if I’m looking forward to the next appointment or dreading it… but I did make it the whole day with my hobbit feet and my toe socks and nothing ached at all! Yay!!!
Posted in reflection, rheumatoid arthritis
Tagged Humera, rheumatoid arthritis, rheumatologist
It has been a thoughtful week… thoughtful, as in a week full of thought. I’ve decided (again??? eeesh) that it is okay to be me.
Let me start out by saying that I’m really not very good at reading people. It took me quite a while to realize that there is a very reasonable explanation for this… Aspergers. Not making excuses… some very amazing people are Asperger-ians… just stating facts. It explains why I have a very unique sense of humor, why I can’t play poker (and why I’m not invited to several kinds of meetings at work) and why I don’t read people face to face very well.
This week one person who I have come to realize really is just poking me when he says stuff comments on my Hairless Hobbit Feet and my wicked cool fingerless gloves made comments again and then did the knuckle bump thing. The knuckle bump thing gives it away… that and the fact that the first time he saw me wearing my Vibrams he told me the story about how he was out to dinner one night in town and he ran into the guy who invented them and was out trying to scare up support in one of the weirdest (keep austin weird) towns and one of the running-est towns around…
I’m still trying to work out the conversation earlier in the week when someone read my RA hands poem and made what I’m trying to decide if it was a snide remark or not… “Woo, people read what you wrote on the INTERNET…. what you wrote… on the INTERNET… wooo”. That one really hurt. I’m not entirely sure why it hurt, I really don’t fundamentally care what people think of me much anymore, but I am really proud of my poem. I’m touched and proud and amazed that it touched so many people, that so many people like it. I’ve had dead tree books published. I’m not convinced more than 500 people have read most of them. MOST of them I’ve never seen more than my advance on royalties. I’m proud of them but… you know… yeah… this poem touched people and somehow that matters more. I’m not sure if the person who commented was just poking fun or if that was really what they thought…
You, person who is such a putz that you are scared of me because of my scars, you can bite me. I’m done with the whining, I’m done with hearing about how I give you nightmares just because I had my broken arm fixed and how my horribly deformed bumpy hands scare you silly. Bite me. I’m done letting your shallow criticism hurt me.
I’m really deciding more and more that the me that I am is okay. It beats being some of the people I have been learning about this week. Hurting people just because you can isn’t cool.
I kind of like me. I haven’t always been able to say that. I can now. And that’s a good thing…
Posted in reflection, rheumatoid arthritis
Tagged aspergers, fingerless gloves, RA poem, sense of humor, snide remark
You know… I’m finally coming to the place in my head and in my heart where I understand that I need to just stop fighting my own reality and give in and do something about it. I’ve spent a night … Continue reading
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I don’t think it was a Kaitlin’s Cauze snowball, but I guess it could have been. Regardless, this morning I was hit by a snowball, and it was great. I woke up this morning totally not feeling the fact that … Continue reading
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