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Okay… just giving you fair warning.  This is a rant… one of my pet peeves…  get out if you don’t want to watch.

What is it with people and gender hang ups?  I mean really?

This morning I was skimming through emails and I came across a post to a list by a guy who has a chronic illness and he was asking about prayer shawls.  Is it okay for a guy to get one… shawl sounds girly…

I’m coming to terms with this beast that is now a part of my life… part of what defines me… and you know what… I don’t care if something is called a knitted nut sack… if it will fit a need… if it will make my life in any way better… i will have it.  I will use it… I will wear it… I don’t care.

I have never been one for stereotypes.  Never in my whole life been one to follow the gender appropriate track.  Was the first female FFA president in our town.  I can weld well.  I can change a tire and I can change an oil filter (at least on an older model car… haven’t tried lately).  I’ve been in Information Technology for 16 years.

My kids get this look of utter fear when we are at McDonalds and the person behind the register asks someone if they want a girl toy or a boy toy.  They are smart enough to know that that is one question that is likely to set me off.  They have both been told from day one… there are no girl toys, there are no boy toys.  There are toys.

DS has a stuffed animal collection, plays the violin very well, reads everything he can get his hands on and writes poetry.  He had trucks and dolls when he was little little.  He has to deal with the fact that other parents aren’t quite like me… that other kids figure you have to fit a mold and if you don’t there is something wrong with you.  He gets harassed a lot becuase he doesn’t and only he seems to know how to deal with it.

DD is in ROTC and runs track, competes in flexed arm hang and is working on her rifle skills.  She plays soccer, has roller blades and hockey skates.  She owns exactly 2 dresses… gowns for the military ball because she doesn’t want to wear her uniform and that is her ONLY other choice.  Day to day, it is jeans and t-shirts or sweats and always the black converse high tops.  She’s mine.

Now… back to the rant.

If you are dealing with a chronic disease (heck… no matter what you are dealing with… a cold, a hangnail, or just a crappy day at work…) you have enough real stuff to deal with without having to worry about what other people think.  Do whatever it is that makes life easier… do what comforts you… do whatever… It doesn’t matter WHAT other people think… if THEY don’t like it it is their problem not yours.  If YOU don’t like the word connected with the comfort, change the word.  Heck, I would wear something called a nut sack if it helped me do something or feel better or get me through a rough spot.

Life is too short to worry about other people’s crap.  We have enough crap of our own…

there

rant over…

Okay… the morning after the day before (aka… the day after the race) wasn’t pretty.  I worked 17 hours.  My hips hurt.  My knees hurt.  My calves hurt.  I walked like a goony bird…

Aleve helped some but not a lot… Prednisone wasn’t so great either.  I just hurt.

Now, several hot baths later and a semi-good night’s sleep (thank you to my Bichon who thinks I’m there to keep her warm and comfortable) and I’m starting to feel semi human again.

Hips are sore (not a 9 like yesterday, more like a 5).  Knees aren’t so bad.  Calves are still pretty sore, but not really so bad… and that is a sore I expected.

People have asked, are you sorry you did it?

NO!!! I finished a half marathon before they closed the course and I actually made it in before some people… I even passed people on the road.

People have asked would I do it again…

Yes, I would.  I’m not sure when.. but I will do it again.

DS wanted to know if I will do the full next year.  Probably not.  The half you only have to average about an 18 min mile.  The full you have to do better than that… Given the hills and the way feel, I’m not sure I can make the minimum expected speed.

A year ago, I wanted desperately to do a half at least, but I had my doubts.  I don’t anymore.

And if I can do it, almost anyone can.

Laurie and Wren… thank you for the pep talk… helped… and yes, I will definitely update everyone on my big walk Next Week..

And in the mean time (as Dori the fish would say) what do we do… We swim…Just keep swimming… just keep swimming… we just keep swimming on…

Welcome to part 2 of my Sunday.

Just when I was happily sitting feeling semi-sorry for myself… even though I was starting to feel better and more “up”… DH decided that we probably should go for another walk through the park (this equates to 7 miles if you take the short cut through a field and a path rather than fighting the “they are fixing the road” traffic that adds a good mile and a half or 2 miles to the walk).

So here we are… from leaving the housing area, through the park… and back home (complete with muddy walking shoes and toasty fleece lined disney crocs… the during the walk shoes… and the after the SECOND bath shoes).  The second bath was more because I smelled like a goat after the walk (sweat shirt and hoody to stave off the chill and damp).

Now… to guilt the world in to meatloaf (sorry Wren!) and to eat some of the donuts that DH got on the back home swing.

Got up this morning to 30 degrees, cloudy and damp.

It is 2 weeks to my half marathon (I have such a hard time calling it a race since I’m walking in it and since I really don’t figure I will “beat” many people… if anyone) and I know I need to get more and more prepared.  Mentally, I’m not sure I’m prepared but physically I think I will be okay.  Thank goodness for prednisone…

I wore my 15 year old’s sweats (they are nylon and I can get my butt into them now… woohoo) and two, Count them TWO hoodies… and made it 9 miles (including a stop for donuts).

It was a wonderful walk through the park

I’m pleasantly surprised… I haven’t been affected by today’s weather.

It is cold front going through (not the snow.. the FOOT or more of snow) that is north of here, but cold for here none the less… and damp and crappy feeling.

I expected today to be an achy breaky kind of day.  It isn’t.  I’m guessing it is partly thanks to the prednisone.  I am trying to convince myself that it is also due to the fact that MTX is starting to help too… but I’m kind of loosing that battle.   I’m pretty sure that the MTX isn’t kicking in quite that quickly… It is the prednisone… but hey… I can dream.

I’ve started to write more carefully in earnest on my facebook notes… I’m writing about life in Kellyville… the farmville town that I have erected for myself.  I am going to weave in the stories of neighboring homesteads and towns.  It keeps my mind entertained.  I keep thinking that I’m supposed to simplify… but you know what… heck with it.  This is relaxation for me… loosing myself for a few minutes at a time in the digital world.  Am I completely odd?  Am I fooling myself that this is helping?  Am I just being me?

I know that everything says that there isn’t anything you can “do” to catch it.

I know that a lot of it is hereditary (Hi Vaughn… this is a weird cousin to your Diabetes!!!)  and I know that I had several great great aunts that had gnarled knuckles… and the day that I got my diagnosis, while I was sitting at my desk at work… that was what went through my mind… their knuckles…

I know that my broken arm and subsequent surgeries and dead guy (cadaver bone) probably made it really happy to have a great place to settle in to…

But in the dark of the night, I can’t help but wonder what I did to cause the RA to find me.

No, there is nothing that you did that landed you in this adventure any more than what I did.  Even though you were assured that cracking you knuckles would cause arthritis and even though you drink caffeinated coffee and all of the  horrible things that you think you might have done… it just… happened.

I think the thing that makes me the most frustrated is that I didn’t show any symptoms until after I started to “get healthy”… after I lost 30 pounds… it just doesn’t feel just feel just that my reward for doing good things is… pain and inflammation and stiffness and lots of meds.

but then I think… lord… what would I really be like now if I was still 30 pounds heavier?  How much worse would I be feeling?  And now… if I wasn’t trying to do right things (except for the divine donuts from the store out by the park that lays waste to my walk and my waist) where would I be now…

Late at night… I just start to think…

Today, I probably felt well enough to take a real walk, but the dog wanted to go, and so did both kids.  So mosey it was.

To be honest, the dog ran 90% of the time.  The people mosied, but the dog ran as fast as she could while going slowly at the end of the leash… she reminded of horses in a horse pull… they look like they are going 90 miles an hour but not really making any great distance.

We went to the park.  There is a new “track”… or maybe more accurately walking trail… around the back side of the park. It wanders along beside the creek (the dog LOVED that… we took a side track down to the creek thirty times!  Now the fuzzy white mutt is now gray from the belly down.

The path is great… is isn’t quite finished yet, but it is gravel and windy and peaceful.  It would be great if it were longer… but it is pretty.

I wish I could be less angry at my swelling… I wish I could make a fist.  I wish my toes touched each other… ah… wishing and wishing and wishing.

I have decided that I’m glad that I’m a part of something… I wish it wasn’t RA… but I’m glad I’m a part of something… having people who read this and actually post makes me smile… it means that I’m not alone…

I can’t type for long periods of time… and this morning I had a heck of a time using a pen to fill out paperwork at the dentist.  It was very frustrating.  I left my wider than usual pen in the car, and ended up struggling with the pen they gave me.  It was before the aleve kicked in and it was a struggle.  It convinced me that I need to be able to use my own pen when I’m this situation… the wide one I bought that fits my fingers better…

Today was my first day, too, of going to get my monthly MTX blood work.  The lab is REALLY pretty (well decorated) but there was ONE person working… she was the person drawing blood and the one dealing with the people at the desk.  Great… hello… I know it is MLK day, but you know what… this is stupid… the waiting room was full when we got there… and it was full when we left… duh… that HAS to be planning.

This week, so far, has been way better with the MTX side effects.  Yesterday we went to the zoo and had a WONDERFUL time… and I didn’t feel crappy.  Today, I didn’t feel crappy… things are reasonably good… now if the MTX would just start working its magic…