Category Archives: fear

Just Like It Was Before…

People are talking about when life can get back to the way it was before. The way it was before Covid-19. The way it was before everyone became aware of all of the things they touch and all of the ways you can spread diseases… any diseases… not just the pandemic one.

Funny… I thought I was super duper careful about what I touched and how I thought about things before. I mean, I’ve had active RA (been classified moderate to severe for what… 12 years?). I have been washing my hands and singing happy birthday twice. I’ve been washing tables off at restaurants. I’ve been “careful”… but I’ve never really, I guess, been CAREFUL.

People talk about how it’s just like the flu. People talk about how mild their symptoms were, they barely knew they had it.

People talk a good game about social distancing… and meet every evening in the driveway within arms length of each other to discuss the day. No gloves, no masks.

The mail man walks up to you to hand you your delivery box… no gloves… no mask… hands it to you… and you have an internal panic attack because… because you were just walking around the house to go inside and you didn’t have your gloves on and you didn’t have your mask on and he just hands it to you. It was in his truck with lord knows what other stuff. He has touched mailboxes and mail and (apparently) other people… and here you are walking around your own yard and should you wear your mask and gloves not out in public but in the semi-privacy of your yard?

Back to normal?

I don’t know if I will ever get back to “normal” if what before was was normal. Covid can live on surfaces 72ish hours (or 14 days depending on whether you are a cruise ship or not…) but the flu can live on surfaces (yeah yeah… depending on surface, humidity, temperature and the phase of the moon and what color underwear you’re wearing blah blah blah) for 48 hours. Two days. Who touched that door handle two days ago? Who pushed that elevator button in the last 2 hours let alone the last 2 days?

Am I a germaphobe? No. I will eat tomatoes off my vines without washing them. I will snuggle my dogs knowing full well they have been rolling in the mud. I will talk to people (eventually… when all of this is over) without the use of technology between us. My house will never be pristine (I have four dogs… I’ll just be glad if I can keep the dust down to a small “Pigpen” cloud most days).

But I will be way more aware of things.

I will probably bag my groceries less by just tossing anything in the bags… I will bag cardboard together, cans together, perishables together. I will leave the cans in my trunk (unless I NEED them sooner) for a few days.

But more…

Normal looked very different in more ways than just that. Normal was running and going and doing and not time for this and no time for that. I love having time. I love being able to do things as a family that we just didn’t find possible before.

Movie night. Game night. Putting jigsaw puzzles together, together. Sitting on foldy chairs in the front yard and talking.

It will be nice to be able to get in the car and drive to the lake. It will be amazing to get in the car and drive to mom’s for a few hours. It will be a hugely special treat to go to the store and walk around and browse rather than just get in and get out (or more… order everything delivered).

Will I ever go to Disney again? My plans are still to run the Goofy in honor of my Goofy. Looking at it now, that may not be before there is a Covid shot I can get about the same time I get my flu shot. Will I look at running in races differently (10000 of your closest friends herded into corrals)… oh yeah. Will I do it? Hell yeah.

I will continue making my own hand sanitizer because I just like mine better than the commercial gel kind. Will I carry some in my car, my purse, my pocket, my backpack, my desk… yeah. And I will use it way more religiously than I ever have before. And I will carry gloves and a mask and my buffs (which I do anyway because well… buff)… yeah, and I will use them.

Life has changed here. Covid-19 situation in the world has changed me in a lot of ways. Some good… some not so much. Monkey butt said, last night, that he thinks some of what I’m doing right now will stick forever… making four thieves vinegar… making citrus cleaner… making citrus enzyme cleaner… coming closer to zero waste. He’s probably right. And I’m enjoying getting back to growing my own herbs and starting my own plants.

Life has changed.

It will be good to get back to not being terrified of the outside world. It will be good to not think judgemental thoughts over what other people do in any situation.

I will take way less for granted.

And I really really hope that life doesn’t actually get back to what normal used to be.

Will it ever get back to “normal” if normal was what it was before? Probably not. At least not for me. There will be a whole new normal. I’m not sure when that normal will be… but there will be a whole new one. And it’s okay.

Love and Light
AprilJoy
4/9/2020

Thirty Something Days Until Vacation

It’s January.

It’s snowing very lightly. It’s 26 degrees Fahrenheit .

Sorcerer Radio is on my my Echo (I really really want to thank my boss for not getting me a gift card this year. I’m in love with Alexa).

Coffee is… well… everywhere…

Gym is done for the day yesterday (I clocked 7 miles on my “I need 4 miles today” training schedule… today is 11.5… yay). If I follow my Google Pedometer plan, I’ll hit 13.3. Next Sunday the high is supposed to be 18. I’m really really really glad it’s not supposed to be a training day and that we will likely ‘only’ end up at the gym.

In 30 something days we fly to Disney. I think I honestly have to say that for once I’m actually ready for a race (or three). I’ve been watching people post on their races from this weekend (WDW marathon weekend) and I’m so jealous. I never in my life thought I would be looking at a marathon racer and thinking… maybe…

It’s hard to believe that just about a year ago I was watching people run a RAGNAR on From Fat To The Finish Line thinking that I would love to be able to maybe possibly some day do that… but that I would never ever be able to get to the fitness level that they were able to do. I don’t know if I will ever be able to quite get THERE… but… maybe… But here I am, at goal weight (still… I weigh myself almost every morning just to make sure… and I need to lose at least 5 pounds before Disney to give myself a little buffer) and actually hitting a little better than the goal I set for myself for my races, time wise. Maybe I’m okay.

It’s been really stressful lately and I can tell that it’s been playing havoc with my body. A week out from my last infusion and I’m feeling way way more human (otherwise I wouldn’t even be considering a half marathon distance today) but my body feels off. I know that the stress is poking me in the ribs (literally). I have this interesting bump on my elbow. Six months ago my PCP told me it was just a little cyst and it would be fine. Except it’s gotten bigger… and it’s where I rest my elbow on my chair arms or my desk so it’s kind of problematic. So I engaged my Rheumy… who sent me for X-rays (nothing… duh… it soft tissue) who sent me to ortho… who said huh… PCP? Oh wait… I guess we can do an ultrasound and make you an appointment with our ortho-rheumy-surgeon…. it’s probably a cyst.

It’s not a cyst. It’s, apparently, a subcutaneous thickening without a discrete cyst. Not a cyst. Not an RA nodule. MAYBE this could be the result of irritation to the tissue… maybe… or maybe this pea sized lump in my elbow could be my imagination or something… who knows. I almost don’t want to go see the surgeon on Wednesday. I’m terrified at this point. There are things it could be. Surgery would mean 4 weeks no infusion, then surgery then two weeks more no infusion. It would be 6 – 8 weeks without orencia. I don’t know if maybe I just don’t want to keep the bump. The devil you have and all that… but I’m scared.

So yeah, stress.

And I have three races in about 6 weeks from today (half is 6 weeks from today, 10k from yesterday and 5k from Friday). Surgery doesn’t fit into my plans right now.

If something is really wrong, how will I take care of Bear? How will I hold my world together?

Just keep swimming

One day at a time

one breath at a time

For now, it will be daylight soon. Time to work, a little, on my playlists for my races… and pull together a backpack for my ‘run’… I need to get my Starbucks free for January coffee while I’m out… and take some water and some Milk Duds along for the walk. Wish me luck…

Love and Light
April
1/13/2019

Gallery

Trying so hard to hang on

Sitting watching the stuff I need to get done for work run, watching the world fill up with snow, watching everything falling apart around me.  I guess sometimes it is goon that no one gets up this obscenely early to … Continue reading