Category Archives: bitchy

I am just freaking tired

It is infusion day, so I am tired in general. But the tired that I am is way different than that kind of tired.

I’m tired of having to be the bigger person when I walk into Walmart wearing my mask (because even though I am FULLY vaccinated (as in I got my third dose already so yeah) and I get derogatory comments directed at me. I either get comments about it all being a hoax… or not nearly as bad as the flu… or get your damn shot… or that I am just plain stupid for wearing one… or if I’m fully vaccinated I don’t have to worry about anything so don’t pander to the man… whatever

I’m tired of seeing posts about “them” putting chips in vaccines so they can track you and knowing that at least half of those posts are made by people using their shiny smart phone that has legally been tracking people since the 9-11 attacks. OOOOO yeah… tell people how YOU aren’t going to be tracked and stick that tracker that automagically sends you “there is a sale at that tire store you just passed” adds… and coupons based on your past shopping…. that can hear you and pander adds to you… because yeah… the vaccine is what they will use to know things.

I’m tired of the rhetoric and the arguments

I’m tired of people being judgemental butts

I’m tired of “yeah yeah yeah, I know you have problems but what about MY more important problems”

I’m tired.

No, the vaccine isn’t the magic bullet. Yes if you get the vaccine you can still get covid but not as bad (I’ll get to that in a couple minutes). Yes, you have every right to your views and opinions but you know what, I have every right to mine and if I don’t happen to point out that you are stupid or being a sheep to a different flock (if I’m going what a whole bunch of people are doing I’m a sheep…. GUESS WHAT… if you are doing what a whole bunch of different people are doing you are just a sheep to a different flock but you are still a sheep… you can find a way to be your own lone wolf to eat the sheep I guess but if you are like a metric crap ton of other people you’re not the wolf).

Yes you can pick and choose your pieces and parts of your version of your religion to justify whatever you can do. Even Shakespeare knew that much a bazillion years ago…

“The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose.
An evil soul producing holy witness
Is like a villain with a smiling cheek,
A goodly apple rotten at the heart.
O, what a goodly outside falsehood hath!”
― William Shakespeare, The Merchant of Venice

But you know what… I just spent the weekend worried (surrounded by pieces and parts of my family at any given point in time) about my little sister.

My little sister was fully vaccinated (MONTHS ago because she has parents that she didn’t want to put at any more risk than had to be… and she has a daughter that has diabetes so is at added risk and didn’t want to be the cause of bad things happening even inadvertently).

My sister caught covid a few weeks ago. She was self swab tested and it came back negative but there can be false negatives. They treated her for covid and she was REALLY sick for several days and improved. End of last week her doctor cleared her to start back to work on a limited schedule.

Friday she was out an about doing the things that she generally does… towards afternoon she realized she wasn’t feeling right (her dr told her to be aware if not feeling right happened and get to the ER). She is a trained nurse so she knows what to watch for. She went to the local ER. They knew something was up but didn’t know what. They were going to admit her for observation. Then they realized something serious might be up and they decided they didn’t want to look bad if things went south so instead of putting her in THEIR ICU… they life flighted her to a semi local hospital. By the time they landed she was in the middle of a massive heart attack (two of the four blood vessels were blocked by clots). She died three times and had to be revived with the defibrillator… THREE TIMES. This, she/we were told was classic post COVID complication. No plaque in veins just huge clot that has now exploded and is hundreds of little clots… on blood thinners… having ecgs… moved (moving?) to a “regular” room on the heart unit. Will need a pace maker when she gets strong enough but in the mean time will be wearing a life vest for at least six months (those are the personal aed devices that monitor your heart rhythm and will shock you back to normal… alive… if you pass out).

They are keeping her a few more days to monitor her.

Her doctor told her that it was a blessing that she had been fully vaccinated because if she hadn’t been… she would not be alive right now. Her covid WITH the vaccine was sever enough that if she hadn’t been vaccinated she would have ended up intubated and would most likely not have made it.

I’ve heard my mom cry hysterically over the phone… not able to catch her breath… when she called and told me that sis was on her way to the hospital in life flight. I sat around the table talking to very sober family who rallied around each other waiting to get information from little sister via phone/messenger/facetime. I’ve heard the fear and the pain.

And this morning it’s back to being Monday. I’ve driven 500 miles in two days (two trips there and two trips back… because work…. and dogs). I’m sitting here listening to the morning snorage that is all around my feet because they are dogs and they sleep A LOT but they also know and want me to be okay.

And I’m realizing how tired I am. I watched as some people pretended to support the family while wedging in their own agenda to the conversation. I’ve watched while people looked at me with hard side eye for wearing my mask in Sheetz to grab pop and coffee. I’m tired of arguments and rhetoric and bullshit and my tolerance for bullshit is so epically low that I currently refuse to deal with it. I’m unfollowing people (because lord knows I can’t block people).

Tomorrow should have been my anniversary.

In 19 days it will be the anniversary of bear dying.

Covid has been a thing and my doctor told me that covid will forever be a thing and the best thing I can do is avoid people at all costs and learn all of the right ways to protect myself and my family. Even with fully vaccinated for flu or covid or pneumonia I will only ever be 65% protected because of my amazingly expensive drugs that allow me to maintain a fairly normal life.

If you see me with my mask on, don’t get all sanctimonious on me. I don’t care what your opinion is. You have yours and I have mine and if you don’t want me to get bitchy in your face just leave me the hell alone. If you don’t like it, I DON’T CARE. And the next person who tells me that they were bullied into wearing masks for a year so now it’s my turn to be bullied because I am still wearing one… don’t be surprised if I tell you to go sleep with the sheep in your own damn herd.

I’m tired.

I’m tired and there is no end of bullshit in sight.

Love and Light


Mood Swings

IMG_6105So, I’ve been sitting in the growing gloom of morning as the storms creep in feeling very alone and very cut off from everything and everyone in the world.    Given that my dog is at my feet and everyone I live with are where they usually are (squirrel girl asleep on the dining room floor and bear asleep on the basement couch) the feeling is in no way based in reality.

The rain has interrupted the satellite signal so the only sound is the rain on the roof and the windows and the patio and that lends itself to the feeling.

I’ve discovered when I’m aching more the moods are far worse than they are when I’m not.  I am way more short tempered and moody (crying to anger to crying to feeling contrite) and physically exhausted when the pain and stiffness creep up.

It’s a lot like the the storm, the thunder and lighting and rain… the anger, frustration, anger and tears… they come in, sometimes blow through rather quickly, sometimes stay for days.  Eventually it blows through.

And I feel so guilty because of it.  I know it hurts people’s feelings.  I know the way that hurts, too.

I’m looking so much forward to my twice put off infusion on Wednesday to blow out the cobwebs, the aches, and the moodiness.


I’ve been SO Stupid

be forewarned… this is a rant. I posted “my story” with my numbers today on facebook.  I have some amazingly supportive friends.  I didn’t actually anticipate the push back I got on my story.  BUT I was surprised. I posted … Continue reading


Trying To Deal With Stress

— WARNING… downer post… rant… stressed… not a pretty site. It has been a really stressful couple weeks and I’m trying really hard to figure out how to deal with everything.  I’m failing miserably at it. Monday was Nephrologist appointment … Continue reading


Why Do You Care

This has been a particularly bad week.  My “boo boo” arm has been hurting more and I’m even caving into the ouchies enough to take tramadol for it.  I’m pretty sure all Yoga managed to do yesterday was aggravate it … Continue reading

Rough Day… Rough Wait

Yesterday I worked 14 hours.  By the time I got home I was exhausted and aching.  My shoulder was sore.  When I got up this morning my shoulder was hurting about a 12.  I MAKE myself use my arm to try to get the synnovial fluid worked out of it.  I’m trying to make myself feel less horrible.  It isn’t working.

I hurt so bad today I actually called my rheumy to see what I can do… I took the anti-inflamitories that she gave me this morning (max dose) and it did NOTHING… So I called… and I talked to the nurse three times.  The last time…

There is a steroid pack at the pharmacy… that I can pick up after it hurts like this for SEVENTY TWO hours.  I had to put in 9 hours today… I have to haul my butt into work tomorrow because we have a very expensive contractor there and it is critical that I be there.  My back up… yeah… he can come in 5 hours later than the rest of us yesterday… he can leave early today… because he is tired and his back (surgery 7 months ago) hurts so much that he has to be home.  and I “got” to come home so I didn’t have to stay at work 14 hours again tonight… I have to WORK as long (oh… and I “got” to be volunteered to have my trouble ticket made a severity 1 and worked 24 x 7  because obviously I am the ONLY FREAKING ONE who can DO it and I so totally don’t need rest.

I am cranky tonight and feeling like not only am I taken for granted… I am ignored when I talk.

Between the pain that makes me near tears all day and the “you really don’t matter as much as… well… anyone else” attitude… I so want to just lay down and curl up with my blanket and sleep… which I can’t do.

The single bright spot in my today?

There is someone at work who rode to my defense today… made sure that boss man heard him say that what I do is appreciated… most particularly when I do it without bitching when I am not the one on call to jump when something is needed… but do it because I am there and I will get the job done.  That made me smile through the pain fog.

I am so hoping to get a little sleep tonight…

The Little Things #7… 5 Quiet Minutes

I know I managed to tick off my entire family last night… but it got to where I really just wanted 5 minutes all alone to just exist (honestly, I wanted 5 minutes to go to the bathroom)… 5 minutes that I didn’t have to be doing ANYTHING….

I realized that 5 minutes of quiet personal alone time is something that means an incredible amount but that I take for granted a lot of time… yesterday, after the stress of the last couple days… I didn’t want to have to do anything but sit for just five minutes… and I got a little testy at bed time when I got the list of “where do you want this” and “did you get this done” and “did you get that done”…

A three day headache, up at 4 am, sunburn so I haven’t been sleeping great… and achey from taxing myself the last few days… and I just wanted quiet for a few minutes… and when I pushed back I made everyone mad at me.

I didn’t mean to make them mad, but even the “did you get this done” that I was going to do for me just didn’t matter as much as not HAVING to do anything for a few minutes.

I apologize to everyone for getting bitchy about it last night… but there are just days when I realize what those five simple minutes mean…

Achey Breaky Tuesday

Okay, I have started to not like this game, at all… Man… got up this morning and hurt… everywhere.

Yesterday, I probably should have seen it coming, but I’m still not always remembering that I have RA and sometimes RA hurts when you don’t expect it to and that sometimes it hurts when you should expect it to and that I can sometimes affect when it hurts.

I should have realized and taken steps to try to counteract it ahead of time.

I didn’t.

Yesterday was a forgetful day for my kid.  I don’t know if it is the epilepsy or the meds to treat the epilepsy but she totally zoned out yesterday.  She went from telling me to remind her that she needed to go to tutorials after school to two min later not knowing why she had to go, not knowing she missed a test, not knowing she was failing because she missed the test…. not knowing who the teacher was she missed the test for… not knowing we had a dog…

If it wasn’t her (she just isn’t “with it” enough for long enough to come up with this on her own for 3o min so I don’t think it was her playing and it seems to follow a pattern) then it is something and we need to find the something.

She got caught in a lie… and this lie is a big one for the current situation… and she knows it.

DH was screaming at her.  She was screaming back.  I was trying desperately to get my albuteral out of its box so I could actually breathe.  She thinks everyone except her friends (FRIENDS?  really?  don’t get me started right now) suck totally and she wants to move in with them because we are mean and don’t let her have a life and don’t let her do whatever she wants and we put a roof over her head and provide food she refuses to eat most of the time and provide her with an IPod and a cell phone plan that lets her talk all the time to everyone and surf the net when she wants and go out and put the extra hundred or so dollars to the money she has for clothes to buy her the extra couple pair of jeans just because she wants new jeans… but we are unreasonable because we want her to turn in her homework so she won’t get -0- and fail and we want her to not lie all the time and we expect her to let us know where she is so if she has a seizure we know where to find her…

We are horrible parents.

She thinks “Shadow” has the right idea and that maybe emancipation would be a GREAT thing (at 15… she can’t carry the bowl of peanut butter down the steps when she comes down stairs so we don’t get ants in her room or mice but she is going to go out and get a job and an apartment and handle her own medical situation when OH Hey she can’t drive because of the epilepsy is so new).

So… long rant finally getting to the point.  With all of the drama and the fact that I went down to the park and cried and threw rocks at the creek and cussed under my breath in the rain… this morning I hurt.  My knuckles hurt.  My wrist hurts.  My ankles and toes hurt and my chest hurts… kind of inside breathing kind of hurts.

So, back on the aleve and maybe I will have to cave in and take a prednisone just because I have to drag her butt to the doctor today…

Less than happy rainy run

Okay, I’m really not ready for the rain to be over, but I really wasn’t in much of a mood to be out running in it this morning… not carrying squirrel’s backpack and trying to keep her dry on the way to school and wading waist high drenched grass through ankle deep puddles… hidden by the waist high grass.

How DO you lift your feet straight up to keep them dry in THAT case???

I hadn’t planned on falling face first into the mud on the way home… or almost getting hit by a car who “forgot” that you are supposed to wear your headlights turned ON in the rain.

None of it was planned, but all of it was my workout today

what fun…