So, I’ve been sitting in the growing gloom of morning as the storms creep in feeling very alone and very cut off from everything and everyone in the world. Given that my dog is at my feet and everyone I live with are where they usually are (squirrel girl asleep on the dining room floor and bear asleep on the basement couch) the feeling is in no way based in reality.
The rain has interrupted the satellite signal so the only sound is the rain on the roof and the windows and the patio and that lends itself to the feeling.
I’ve discovered when I’m aching more the moods are far worse than they are when I’m not. I am way more short tempered and moody (crying to anger to crying to feeling contrite) and physically exhausted when the pain and stiffness creep up.
It’s a lot like the the storm, the thunder and lighting and rain… the anger, frustration, anger and tears… they come in, sometimes blow through rather quickly, sometimes stay for days. Eventually it blows through.
And I feel so guilty because of it. I know it hurts people’s feelings. I know the way that hurts, too.
I’m looking so much forward to my twice put off infusion on Wednesday to blow out the cobwebs, the aches, and the moodiness.
be forewarned… this is a rant. I posted “my story” with my numbers today on facebook. I have some amazingly supportive friends. I didn’t actually anticipate the push back I got on my story. BUT I was surprised. I posted … Continue reading
Yesterday I worked 14 hours. By the time I got home I was exhausted and aching. My shoulder was sore. When I got up this morning my shoulder was hurting about a 12. I MAKE myself use my arm to try to get the synnovial fluid worked out of it. I’m trying to make myself feel less horrible. It isn’t working.
I hurt so bad today I actually called my rheumy to see what I can do… I took the anti-inflamitories that she gave me this morning (max dose) and it did NOTHING… So I called… and I talked to the nurse three times. The last time…
There is a steroid pack at the pharmacy… that I can pick up after it hurts like this for SEVENTY TWO hours. I had to put in 9 hours today… I have to haul my butt into work tomorrow because we have a very expensive contractor there and it is critical that I be there. My back up… yeah… he can come in 5 hours later than the rest of us yesterday… he can leave early today… because he is tired and his back (surgery 7 months ago) hurts so much that he has to be home. and I “got” to come home so I didn’t have to stay at work 14 hours again tonight… I have to WORK as long (oh… and I “got” to be volunteered to have my trouble ticket made a severity 1 and worked 24 x 7 because obviously I am the ONLY FREAKING ONE who can DO it and I so totally don’t need rest.
I am cranky tonight and feeling like not only am I taken for granted… I am ignored when I talk.
Between the pain that makes me near tears all day and the “you really don’t matter as much as… well… anyone else” attitude… I so want to just lay down and curl up with my blanket and sleep… which I can’t do.
The single bright spot in my today?
There is someone at work who rode to my defense today… made sure that boss man heard him say that what I do is appreciated… most particularly when I do it without bitching when I am not the one on call to jump when something is needed… but do it because I am there and I will get the job done. That made me smile through the pain fog.
I am so hoping to get a little sleep tonight…
I know I managed to tick off my entire family last night… but it got to where I really just wanted 5 minutes all alone to just exist (honestly, I wanted 5 minutes to go to the bathroom)… 5 minutes that I didn’t have to be doing ANYTHING….
I realized that 5 minutes of quiet personal alone time is something that means an incredible amount but that I take for granted a lot of time… yesterday, after the stress of the last couple days… I didn’t want to have to do anything but sit for just five minutes… and I got a little testy at bed time when I got the list of “where do you want this” and “did you get this done” and “did you get that done”…
A three day headache, up at 4 am, sunburn so I haven’t been sleeping great… and achey from taxing myself the last few days… and I just wanted quiet for a few minutes… and when I pushed back I made everyone mad at me.
I didn’t mean to make them mad, but even the “did you get this done” that I was going to do for me just didn’t matter as much as not HAVING to do anything for a few minutes.
I apologize to everyone for getting bitchy about it last night… but there are just days when I realize what those five simple minutes mean…
Okay, I have started to not like this game, at all… Man… got up this morning and hurt… everywhere.
Yesterday, I probably should have seen it coming, but I’m still not always remembering that I have RA and sometimes RA hurts when you don’t expect it to and that sometimes it hurts when you should expect it to and that I can sometimes affect when it hurts.
I should have realized and taken steps to try to counteract it ahead of time.
Yesterday was a forgetful day for my kid. I don’t know if it is the epilepsy or the meds to treat the epilepsy but she totally zoned out yesterday. She went from telling me to remind her that she needed to go to tutorials after school to two min later not knowing why she had to go, not knowing she missed a test, not knowing she was failing because she missed the test…. not knowing who the teacher was she missed the test for… not knowing we had a dog…
If it wasn’t her (she just isn’t “with it” enough for long enough to come up with this on her own for 3o min so I don’t think it was her playing and it seems to follow a pattern) then it is something and we need to find the something.
She got caught in a lie… and this lie is a big one for the current situation… and she knows it.
DH was screaming at her. She was screaming back. I was trying desperately to get my albuteral out of its box so I could actually breathe. She thinks everyone except her friends (FRIENDS? really? don’t get me started right now) suck totally and she wants to move in with them because we are mean and don’t let her have a life and don’t let her do whatever she wants and we put a roof over her head and provide food she refuses to eat most of the time and provide her with an IPod and a cell phone plan that lets her talk all the time to everyone and surf the net when she wants and go out and put the extra hundred or so dollars to the money she has for clothes to buy her the extra couple pair of jeans just because she wants new jeans… but we are unreasonable because we want her to turn in her homework so she won’t get -0- and fail and we want her to not lie all the time and we expect her to let us know where she is so if she has a seizure we know where to find her…
We are horrible parents.
She thinks “Shadow” has the right idea and that maybe emancipation would be a GREAT thing (at 15… she can’t carry the bowl of peanut butter down the steps when she comes down stairs so we don’t get ants in her room or mice but she is going to go out and get a job and an apartment and handle her own medical situation when OH Hey she can’t drive because of the epilepsy is so new).
So… long rant finally getting to the point. With all of the drama and the fact that I went down to the park and cried and threw rocks at the creek and cussed under my breath in the rain… this morning I hurt. My knuckles hurt. My wrist hurts. My ankles and toes hurt and my chest hurts… kind of inside breathing kind of hurts.
So, back on the aleve and maybe I will have to cave in and take a prednisone just because I have to drag her butt to the doctor today…
Okay, I’m really not ready for the rain to be over, but I really wasn’t in much of a mood to be out running in it this morning… not carrying squirrel’s backpack and trying to keep her dry on the way to school and wading waist high drenched grass through ankle deep puddles… hidden by the waist high grass.
How DO you lift your feet straight up to keep them dry in THAT case???
I hadn’t planned on falling face first into the mud on the way home… or almost getting hit by a car who “forgot” that you are supposed to wear your headlights turned ON in the rain.
None of it was planned, but all of it was my workout today