see me

Do you see me
Really see me
The me I am
Not just the me I pretend to be

You see the clown
The In Your Face
The ham they voted me in high school
The activist
The colorful flag waving goof

I hide the anger
The pain,  the fear
I hide it from the world
Beneath a thin veneer.

The hurt in my eyes
in my soul
In my heart
is there for the world to see
but the clown is much easier
Safer
less you have to care

Do you see me
Do you take the time
To really look
And see what you are afraid to see.

 

 

 

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Night Creeps In

I’m sitting on the bedroom floor. Tv turned way quiet. Blankets and my trusty afghan piled around me. I’ll bet she never dreamed those years ago when she crocheted it all together how much use it would get… How much … Continue reading

Moon Slivers

Moon Slivers
Dawn Shivers
Morning Creeps up the sky
Day comes warmly
into the world
Chasing night clouds
Away

 

 

 

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Methotrexate… Missing in Action?

It has been an interesting week to say the least. Went to my Rheumy for my every 8 week exam.  My fingers and toes are rebelling.  3 weeks without meds turned into three months of trying to get back to … Continue reading

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Up Bright And Early Again

Up and at em… Coffee (okay okay… it is last night’s coffee… but it is coffee) Tootsies are achey this morning.  This does not make me overly happy, but it is what it is.  All I can do about this … Continue reading

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Ah Elusive Sleep…

Up and not able to fall back asleep at mumblemumble o’clock in the morning… My mind races… my wrist is tender… my toes and fingers ache.  I’m thinking taking one of the post-op percocet would be wonderful, just to help … Continue reading

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Loneliness

 Loneliness Alone He sits alone Beneath the street light On the cool shiny red bench All alone But for the netbook cradled close In the lonely hours before the dawn He scavenges the bits and bytes From the library wifi … Continue reading

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On Accessibility

There is a great deal being said in many places (I think a lot of lip service) about accessibility. Wikipedia suggests that   “Accessibility is a general term used to describe the degree to which a product, device, service, or … Continue reading

Good Things That Came From The Wildfires

So much destruction, fear and heartache happening in the Austin area.  How can anything good come from it?

Because of ongoing discussions about the fires ongoing on Facebook, I’ve made a couple new friends.  I’ve found out other people in my area who have similar situations to mine (go go RA… no really GO, GO… GO, now) who are walking similar walks of their very own.

Going a little further down the rabbit trail, because I have found out that there are people like me in the area (no I’m not dumb, I knew they were there, but I didn’t know where and didn’t have a concrete picture of them in my head) I also went on a walk down their Facebook status’s.  And because of that (no no really I’m not ADD, look, shiny chicken) I found Redefine Girly.  There really are people out there like me.

It has been a running joke with my daughter (maybe not joke… something) that any time we go into McDonalds and they have a choice of toys in the Happy Meals… I better not be around when someone orders a Happy Meal… because they ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS ask if you want a girl toy or a boy toy…. GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH… unless the toy is anatomically correct, you can’t say it is either BOY or GIRL… it is a Hot Wheels Car or a My Pretty Pony… there is nothing inherently girl or boy in any freaking toy.

Amandya gets the deer in headlights look when she hears it and tries to steer me clear of the conversation.

I don’t know if she realizes it or not but what I have always tried to instill in my kids by telling them “there are no girl toys, there are no boy toys, there are toys” is that I have been trying to teach them (and I think I have been somewhat successful) that TOYS is only a euphemism for life.  There are no girl jobs/boy jobs.  There is no career that you cannot do because of gender.  You can read if you are a boy.  You can play Soccer (or Hockey) goalie if you are a girl.

Life is going to put the glass ceilings in place fast enough.  I have always tried to make them understand that they can do what they want to do an society might no “like” it, but you know what, society is so boogered up in so many ways anyway that it really doesn’t matter what they like.  Follow your heart.

We have come to the place where none of us are going to be singers.  Not because it is a gender thing, it is PURELY a talent thing.  But we sing from our hearts and despite being off key.

There are people out there like me.  And I am AWESOME!!!

Taking Stock and Contemplating

It has been a LONG ten days.  Surgery went well… enough.  Better than I expected, to be honest.  Now to allow healing to take place.   Steri Strips are holding tight.  Incisions are healing nicely.  Swelling is going down.  Even the immense bruises are going away.  And tomorrow I go back to work, brace and all.  Going to be a long day, I have no doubt.

I have spent a lot of time loopy (gotta love pain meds) and a lot of time thinking.  The fires the last couple days might have something to do with that… they have me thinking even more.

I’ve decided that life is too short.  In the words of my baby girl… You don’t know when you are going to die, why not do something totally out of character and enjoy yourself doing it.

I’ve decided to make a more concerted effort to not let stupid people irritate me over stuff that is pointless (at least for five minutes, I’ve decided this).  I know that tomorrow I will find it difficult to not be irritated, but I trust that the peeps that are my friends at work will make it all worth while.

This morning my left wrist was flaring really badly… both hands out of commission for several hours made for a fun morning.  Had my first enbrel shot in a month.  Actually looked forward to it so the creeping in fluffy joints would go back to normal.

Typing is still an adventure… but… it is getting better…